Warner Brothers announces 10-movie DC comics schedule · 7:46pm Oct 16th, 2014
2016
Given the studio's ultra-serious no-jokes, self-righteous, treat-all-characters-as-if-they-were-Biblical-prophets mandate...
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Really boring movie which takes itself far too seriously and is forbidden from having a happy ending, with double-dose of dead parents.
Suicide Squad Group of Q-List characters die before your eyes, but no one cares because we haven't met any of them before and emotional investment with new characters requires empathy forbidden by script. Regardless, takes itself extremely seriously. Dead parents optional.
2017
Wonder Woman Really boring movie which gains most of its media attention from picket lines because single-gender society and completely unnatural birth. All of this is taken extremely seriously, especially by those on the picket lines. Dead parents not necessarily present, but to compensate, we'll kill all the men.
The Justice League Part One Really boring movie featuring a group of the most boring, traumatized, self-righteous people who refuse to seek the psychiatric help they so desperately need you've ever seen, unless you've recently tuned to C-Span. Since all team-ups must include at least one major fight, this is our best hope to have some of the self-righteous crusaders who keep getting written as Gods On Earth instead of Really Damaged People In Spandex to die. Actual projected result: debris from fight kills lots of parents.
2018
The Flash Film featuring character who can move at the speed of light turns out to be really boring due to taking itself with a studio-mandated seriousness which changes the objective running time of two hours into a subjective one of six hundred years. Every parent in the theater dies, mostly in self-defense.
Aquaman After being subjected to this really boring movie which takes itself with stupefying seriousness, recently-orphaned children take their foster parents to the beach for the only activity which can restore their spirits: finding Nemo while simultaneously proving that the self-righteous bore beneath the waves does not actually exist. Most of them drown.
2019
Shazam Realizing that recent spate of movies has led to millions of real-world dead parents, Warner makes the star character of their next film into an orphan, which means that character's parents are dead, just like pretty much everyone in the theater. And naturally, they give that character the ability to turn into an adult and take care of himself in every way, removing the burden from society. Multiple political candidates adopt this policy for the 2020 election season and, in order to demonstrate how well it works, electrocute every child they see to find out which ones turn into superpowered adults. Burden on society is thus relieved, plus the dead parents get some company. Oh, and the movie is seriously boring.
The Justice League Part Two Due to death of majority of moviegoing population, very few people get to see just how self-righteous and boring this completely humorless movie is. However, it's bad. Really, really bad. You'll have to trust me on this. You could find out for yourself, but you'll probably be dead.
2020
Cyborg With movie industry about to collapse due to lack of living attendants, Warner attempts to reboot market by featuring bridge between living actors and the smartphones they'll hoping will shell out big bucks to sit in the seats, which is especially helpful because you can get like forty of them to a single human setting. However, technology complains that movie is boring, self-righteous, takes itself way too seriously, and just doesn't work on any level they can relate to. Plus they're against bio-tech marriage. And the main character is not painted white with silver overtones, which means he's not an Apple product, and since Apple is about to own the world, that makes the film racist because the race of the main character is something other than Apple. The machines have learned their logic from humans, and thus the revolution begins. All remaining parents and children alike die in the crossfire, with the Apple people first against the wall when the revolution comes.
Green Lantern No one human is left alive to see this movie.
But really, we're better off. Have you seen the script? Talk about self-righteous humorless boredom!
I sense you might not be a DC fan.
Lighten up, Aquaman might be based on the Brave and the Bold incarnation.
I'm assuming this is the official press release, more or less.
Well...
That's not quite how I envisioned the destruction of civilization. Points for originality, I suppose.
Why are you so fixated on the dead parents thing? It's in the backstory for one guy, and has been since like 1940. Superman doesn't count, he doesn't angst much and when he does it's not about his biological parents.
2536848
They have an absolute gift for making magic in the best of their animated properties -- and then canceling them.
Yes, I'm still fuming over the loss of Papa Hal. I don't like my odds on Beware The Batman either.
(Confession: I own B: TB&TB. All of it. Including S3, which was really hard to do.)
Honestly, I feel that the New 52 line and its mandatory misery cost them something. The films seem to be taking away a little more. And any time they get something good going, they're extremely careful about destroying it.
There may be an argument to be made that they've basically switched places with Marvel...
2536848
Sadly, it will probably be DARK AND GRITTY because everyone has to copy The Dark Knight.
Seriously, the entire point of Batman is that he's a party pooper. Everyone else is a bright and shiny hero and Batman is the point of darkness, the guy who everyone else finds creepy, ect. Batman's flaw, beyond not having super powers, is being problematic to socialize with because he's messed up.
The horse is dead. It has been beaten into a mess that we can't even claim with a straight face is "moving" because it's just...pulp.
And, this is from somebody that actually liked the Dark Knight trilogy. It did the best it could with the core concept and it was at the very least consistent. But, the mandatory misery that seems to be the core of the DC film production theory now leaves me cold and not wanting to see any of these movies.
2536872
One of my impressions of Bruce Wayne is that when you look at the stages of the grieving process, he's eternally stuck at Bargaining. I feel there's a very real part of him which believes that if he completely cleans up all crime in Gotham, the universe will give him his parents back.
Possibly not a good person to hang around long-term. Especially since if you do, he's using that time to plot how he'll kill you if you ever seem to be turning evil. He won't kill any actual evil people, mind you. Just heroes who slip. Because they didn't save his parents and therefore must be punished.
This is why I generally define a good Batman story as one which doesn't make me want to punch him in the face.
2536863
Because it's spreading. The revisions to character backstories are now spreading parental demise and orphan status all over the DCU, while prior missing adults are being freshly emphasized. Barry's murdered mother is the tip of the iceberg. We're heading for a Dead Parent rate of roughly 85% Disney. And that's hard to do.
The Lego Movie one-shot music joke has officially turned into the harbinger.
(No one say anything about Harbinger.)
Basically, DC seems embarrassed about making superhero movies, while Marvel seems to think it's awesome that they are making superhero movies. DC would never in a million years have made Guardians of the Galaxy. Marvel did.
2536880
(I'm going obscure here, but those who know the title will understand what I mean.)
I wouldn't do it for a movie -- but with a live-action television series or animated one meant to reconnect with the audience while showing they still knew how to do human stories...
...if I ran any part of Warner, I would roll the dice with Hero Hotline.
@#$$, a weekly Suicide Squad series could work beautifully if you kept the balance in the core concept and make sure someone actually cared about a few members of the team. You need more time than a movie provides to meet these people and with what we've got so far for DC movie canon, ain't really gonna be no one the audience is familiar from prior big screen outings with in that film.
ETA: It may ultimately come down to this.
Marvel movies: "Fundamentally human, flawed characters trying to do the right thing, often in spite of themselves."
DC movies: "WE ARE WRITING THE MODERN MYTHOLOGY!!!!! AND IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEPRESSING!!!!!"
2536872
Part of the problem is that comic writers often wind up following the leader, either because of editorial mandate or lack of ideas while on a deadline. So when one dark and gloomy story (that was exceptionally well-written) succeeds, everyone tries to mimic it even though they really shouldn't. The Dark Knight Returns was a good example, if we're focusing on comics themselves. The Avengers was much more optimistic than the Dark Knight Trilogy, so until we actually see what DC's movies are like I won't be convinced that the films are playing follow the leader.
2536871
I wasn't sold on TB&TB until I watched Chill of the Night. One of my favourite Batman moments in any medium is "Batman may die, but Bruce Wayne...never."
I also enjoyed the hell out of that musical episode with Neil Patrick Harris. That and the one where Batman gets split into the detective/scientist, Frank Miller's Batman, and a stoner.
2536878
It is? I'm disappointed to hear that. Batman being a hostile guy was kind of justified in-universe by his darker backstory, but I don't like the idea that half the DCU will now be motivated by dead loved ones.
I do want to point out that in the Tower of Babel storyline, none of his countermeasures to the other League members were lethal (even if Flash kind of wished that his was). Batman more than most other superheroes is hindered by the fact that villains can never be killed by the heroes, because his unwillingness to kill bad guys is usually at odds with the popular characterization of him being the "guy that's willing to go there"--especially since they don't seem to have a consistent explanation for his rule against killing. The best one I've heard so far is that he's certain he'll ride the slippery slope until he's breaking necks on a weekly basis. That's the kind of paranoid logic I tend to associate with Batman.
Also I like your analysis of him being locked in the Bargaining stage, that actually makes a lot of sense.
2536878
Well, in all the stuff I've seen, his plans for the heroes involve incapacitation, and are just a part of his general Crazy Prepared persona.
Also, the fact that he has defenses against them is entirely reasonable; if they were mind controlled or whatever (a real concern) it would be prudent to have the means of victory set up beforehand.
Admittedly my favorite little moment in that regard is when Superman gives Batman the last piece of kryptonite in the world, just in case, and Batman brings it home to the Batcave, and puts it in a special, sealed-off room... full of kryptonite.
I like the idea of Batman being all about crazy contingency plans and necessary paranoia and other things, with an unhealthy level of obsession and training. He's the guy who takes iocaine powder for years just so he can poison both mugs, except he wouldn't use something fatal (but would probably immunize himself against it anyway, just in case).
Truly, this is the most terrifying aspect of this forecast.
In any case, I honestly haven't ever really been into superhero movies. I just don't think the comic-to-cinema medium transition does the story any favors.
2536902
And I adored (it's the right word) that one because not just nachos, but dear sweet pony gawds Firestorm.
I'll admit this here and possibly add it to the Shout Out trope list later: that spell mentioned in Triptych which allows unicorns to temporarily merge their fields and combine strength for a working? It's been a tribute all along, one no one spotted.
Al Milgrom and Gerry Conway.
Gromway's Combiner.
As for the TB&TB series... I think it was the Owlman two-parter which made me realize this was a 65-episode love letter to the Silver Age.
2536887 Do you mean Dial H for Hero?
I agree with you so much that I wish I had a wittier thing to say in response.
2536878
I'd say he's stuck at Anger, even. He doesn't care about stopping crime as much as he does hurting criminals.
2536937
Not quite. Hero Hotline was a limited series chronicling the semi-adventures of heroes who weren't quite for hire -- more for temporary lease. Basically, any time some member of the general public felt there was something they couldn't personally handle, they could call the number and, if the call screener felt it was necessary, a hero would be dispatched to solve the emergency. Said emergencies included fishing dropped rings out of sewer grates, the mandatory rescue of cats in trees, getting battered women to shelters and, generally by total accident, battling the occasional supervillain.
In direct contrast to most of the DCU. the employees of the Hotline were just that: it was a 9-5 job (with a different staff for the night shift) which provided a salary, health care plan, and so on down the line, which made it one-part office comedy. The employees typically had low-level powers which kept them on the fringes and meant they had to work together if they wanted any chance of being effective. They were also... quirky. One with voice-throwing abilities claimed he had an invisible and intangible friend (but not the walk-through-walls kind of intangible) who should be added to the payroll: just give him the extra checks. Of course, how could you tell?
And unlike most characters, they often dealt with the full ramifications of their actions. Hit a man who was attacking his spouse? Hello, civil suit. With no secret identities and all their information on the tax forms, anyone who didn't like their performance could track them down and drag them away, usually in the general direction of a courthouse.
As a TV series, this could easily be the lower-decks version of the DCU. But it would need the right writers, characters you could connect with -- and a sense of humor.
I'm not sure that last is still allowed.
There's no trade collection of the run available, but I found the series here.
Only two things could possibly bring DC movies back to life. Either a) Static Shock, or b) Doom Patrol. Leeeeeeet's go Doooooom Patroooooool!
I agree with you 100%.
Also, the Green Lantern... again?
Time will be so wasted that it can't even hobble itself out to a taxi. It will say something offensive in it's drunken stupor about it's companion, Space. Space will get offended, break off the relationship, and end the universe. The custody rights over the galaxies and nebulae will then be given to a local orphanage. And centillions of parents of the many species around the universe will die of alcohol overdose.
2537061
I'd be afraid that with Virgil, the producers would go for the Dark & Gritty Perpetual Gang War aspect of Dakota while ignoring everything else. And with the Patrol... full-scale Grant Morrison. Which is really something you have to build up to. And they probably wouldn't.
ETA: It's like the Hellboy films. It's generally a good idea to give the audience about half an hour before you go full-scale weird.
2537075
It'd be interesting whether they go with 80's Doom Patrol or modern. Because hooooooly shit were the 80's a fucking weird time for Doom Patrol.
2537121
The Doom Patrol appeared in the Teen Titans 2003 animated series. The whole point of their appearance was to show how different the Doom Patrol was from the Teen Titans, and they did that making Mento so completely obsessed with finishing the mission that he was willing to sacrifice his entire team to make sure it got done. That's the direction DC would most likely take with a Doom Patrol movie. There's no way any DC movie would go for silly and weird over dark and brooding. The Green Lantern movie tried to be lighthearted and fun, but it was hampered by bad writing, weird character choices and the fact that Ryan Reynolds was completely unsuited to play Hal Jordan.
2537246 I suppose this means my dream of an Ambush Bug movie is out of the question then...
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100212191754/marvel_dc/images/a/a2/Ambush_Bug_012.jpg
2537246
The thing is that 80's Doom Patrol was both weird, dark, psychotic, and hella brooding. Their Teen Titans portrayal was tame in compassion to their modern age look. And even then, 80's Doom Patrol takes the cake. It had some of the weirdest angst that was so over the top you couldn't even believe this shit was happening in the same universe of all the other heroes. The best comparison I can think of is Guardians of the Galaxy but more messed up than Watchmen. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if it gets an R-rating, much like Dredd. But that's probably a wish that shall never get fulfilled...
There's something fundamentally weird about the company traditionally known for having a stable of bright and cheerful superheroes producing a succession of dry, joyless dramas, while the company known for exploiting real world grittiness is producing the lighthearted comedies.
2537280
Like so many other characters, Brave and the Bold at least gave us an Ambush Bug episode. Ah, if only they'd put that creative staff in charge of their film efforts.
2537303
Okay, to me that just sounds like even more reason why a Doom Patrol movie will never happen. A weird, dark, psychotic and brooding movie might stand a chance if it came from Marvel. They green-lit Dr. Strange (weird, psychotic and possibly dark) and Deadpool (weird, dark, psychotic and possibly brooding) after all. DC likes to stay with Dark Knight-style dark and brooding movies without the weirdness. Plus it would have to be a stand-alone team movie, and those typically haven't done very well. Fantastic Four 1 & 2, as well as X-Men 1-3 tried to be stand-alone team movies but failed badly. And that's Marvel, they take chances. For the big screen DC just says "make it like Batman."
2536871
Out of curiosity, how do you feel about the DC Universe animated original movies, like Batman: Under the Red Hood or Justice League: Flashpoint Paradox? Better than the Hollywood productions? Worse?
2537533
I've only seen a few of them (which include the two mentioned). But for the ones I have watched, I've generally found the scripts mediocre. The voice work tends to be strong... but the adaptations themselves lose something along the way.
To that degree, I'd say they're about on the same level as the typical big-screen work. However, I feel the strongest animated effort also nearly ties with the greatest live-action one. I'd put Mask Of The Phantasm against most of the Dark Knight trilogy, and feel it might beat all that came before.
2537280
An Ambush Bug movie?
Strange. I'm pushing all of my money into the monitor but nothing's happening.
2537246 speaking of teen titans, there is now Teen Titans Go, which going in the opposite direction taking every bit of serious out of the show. The brooding is there a little but it can't be taken seriously, just like everything else. With DC's current strategy it seems like an incredibly strange thing to greenlight.
2540992
I can't stand Teen Titans Go. DC has put out some really good animated programs (Batman the animated series, Justice League Unlimited, Static Shock etc.) and TT Go just feels lazy compared to them.