Appreciate Life · 5:30am Oct 2nd, 2014
Life is a funny thing, and something I think about quite often.
Those of you who have followed me for a while know that I regularly have to deal with pretty severe depression, though it was a lot worse before I started the FiMfic thing so you guys never really heard about the worst of it while it was happening. I've told some stories, occasionally, but nothing specific. It's been a long time now since I've had any real problems, and a big part of that is this site.
But I don't want to talk about me in this blog, as much as I like to share my own stories. I want to talk about other people today.
If any of you suffer depression, then you know what it's like for others with it. But something I've noticed is that people who have rarely had a depressing thought don't understand it. They don't understand what it's like to be unable to control how you feel. A dew people have literally said "just be happy!".
Yes, your own personal mindset plays a big part in getting better, but it alone cannot drag you out. A happy outlook on life can be the most depressing thing, if you think about it. You look around yourself, and you see brightness, everywhere. Everything is vibrant and beautiful.
Except your own life.
Honestly having a happy outlook on life can have negative affects, at least in my personal experience. It's good to be optimistic, but don't exaggerate; look at everything for what it really is. And if that' depressing, then you're doing it wrong. Look at everything. Because everything is beautiful, but also simple enough that you can look at it and think it's not all that special, really. It's just the same as you or I with only small differences.
I tend to find that people who have fought with and through depression put a higher value on life, and it's certainly understandable why, especially if you're a person who's gotten so deep as to consider taking your own. When you pull yourself out, be that by yourself or with help, I can guarantee that everything is brighter for you than it is for everyone else. It's like coming out of a dark room into the blinding light of day; everyone else is already adjusted, but to you it;s so blindingly, wonderfully bright compared to the inky darkness you were in before.
Life is valuable, and there is no one who can understand that better than someone who has experienced first;hand what it's like to feel as though life is worthless. To experience true happiness, one must first experience true sorrow.
Life is hard. Life is unfair. Life is unforgiving. But above all else life is wonderful, and should never be taken for granted.
To quote Dr. Who, "The way I see it, a person's life is a pile of good and bad things, and we've definitely added to his pile of good things." The Van Gogh episode, if you didn't recognize it. Everyone has bad things in their life, some more than others. But at the same time, no one has nothing in their good pile. Find your good pile, and hold on to it, but never forget about the bad pile. it is these piles together, not just the good one, that determines that value of your life. Trust me, if you live a couple years, both piles will be nearly infinite.
For those of you who have never felt true depression and don't understand, try to imagine what it would be like to live with a thick, fabric bag over your head. It's hard to breath, you can just barely see the light of the outside world - and what you see is blinding compared to the inside of the bag - and it's constantly rubbing against your skin, wearing it raw as you go about your daily routine. Now imagine wearing that bag for weeks or months or even years. It's hot and sweaty inside the bag, and it's constantly there, separating you from anyone else. You can never take it off, you can never breathe easy as long as it's there, and you don't even know why it's there or where it came from.
Now imagine that feeling, but make it ten times worse, and that's severe depression, where I was about two years ago. That's where many people still are today, maybe even someone you know. We get good at hiding it from others when it's that bad. We look happiest when we're at our saddest, and saddest when we're at our happiest. We smile, probably more than anyone else you know, and we're always laughing and seaming to enjoy life.
That one friend who's the clown of the group, the one who has this ever-present smile on his face. They're the most likely to be the most depressed. That or a murderer....
So for anyone who doesn't get depressed, for anyone who doesn't understand the feeling, do me a favor.
Appreciate the fuck out of your life and other's. Because there is no bigger insult to someone like me than to disregard your own or another's life. You don't know how bright the world really is until you've spent some time in the darkness.
Alright, my ramble's done. Sorry, just saw something recently that made me think and I wanted to talk a bit. I wandered pretty far from my point though. Ah well. I need to go work on my stories anyway.
Until next time,
Kodeake out
That shallow breathing. The skips in your breathing pattern where you have to restart your breathing sometimes. The lead weight feeling in your chest and brain. And that distant stare.
It is possible to become so devoid of emotion that it feels like you're literally imploding in on yourself. A dead calm where even though your world is falling around you, you have yet to so much as show any signs of awareness of what's going on despite knowing too well. And yes, you can't will yourself to act.
It's easier to bear the mask when around others, but the way those who even come home from an emergency room for a check up because they felt they were sick and instead leave with advice to get eat more fruits as they hand you papers with "Severe Depression" and send you home, only for first thing you get from an ignorant friend "You need to go out more and associate more" as the first thing to come out of their mouths? It's beyond tiring.
I wish there was a way to inflict severe depression upon all those who have never been stricken by this. It goes so much further than thoughts or emotions. It's a crushing weight as if an invisible beast was constantly on you and draining you of inspiration and motivation. A weight that could bring down the strongest men in the world.
And for anyone who merely gazes upon you, it's always, "stop being so sad all the time".
You expressed severe depression pretty eloquently. I only wish there was a practical way to let others feel what many have to often times live with for the rest of their lives.
-Adam Young
Oooh, it's quotes-in-the-comments day! Well, this one's gonna be long.
Rough translation of "Les Hirondelles" by "Les Cowboys Fringants"
Please note that is feels way better to sing it in french.