Rage Review - "Clock Is Ticking" by Infant Horizon · 8:27am Sep 30th, 2014
This was one of the worst MLP fanfics I've ever read. Amazingly, the grammar and spelling were extremely good -- dreck like this is usually incoherent. The attempt at writing a story can be found here.
The Mane Five (plus Spike and minus Rainbow Dash) are partying with Pinkie Pie when suddenly a mysterious hazmat-suited pony comes in, beats them all up (yep, all six of them) and in the process kills Applejack. Infant Horizon forgets about everyponies' canon powers.
Twilight wakes up a prisoner of Rainbow Dash who has inexplicably turned evil. This somehow has to do with "highly contagious radiation" which has caused Dashie to look like a cheap-makeup zombie. She was the one who beat them all up in the first scene.
Dashie reveals that she has tortured Applejack to death (this seems odd given that AJ got killed in the previous scene, but I guess when one has "highly contagious radiation" one can kill ponies twice. Why not?)
Dashie then threatens to not give Twilight or her friends the cure unless Twilight goes to Canterlot and destroys the city by infecting the blood bank. Infant Horizon apparently doesn't know that it is rare to get blood transfusions, so this Evil Plan could not kill more than a few ponies.
Twilight for no sane reason agrees with this plan instead of fighting, or trying to free her friends, and infects the city. At no point does it occur to her to simply TELL Celestia what's going on, because apparently Twilight's brain has been shut down for maintenance or something the whole story.
Twilight then returns and is fatally stabbed by Dashie, who escapes. Before escaping Dashie for no obvious reason frees Spike, enabling Twilight to get a letter to Celestia and hence foil Dashie's evil plan. Twilight then dies. So sad.
Here were my comments on the story, because I suspect Infant Horizon will delete them:
Everypony screamed and ran to hide.
Because, after all, the Mane Six are a bunch of helpless cowards, rather than world-saving heroines.
Twilight and Applejack stuck close by and searched for their friends. This, however, didn’t last long. An extended hoof with a hazmat suit on it reached out from the smoke and knocked Applejack to the ground.
... and Applejack in particular is weak and easily taken down. Too bad she's not a tough, athletic farmgirl who knows how to fight. Why, that sort of mare would probably name her two forehooves ...
Twilight reached for the fallen earth pony, but her promise to help was never fulfilled. The intruder leaped upon Twilight, smashing her down to the floor. Twilight struggled as the intruder began beating her senseless.
It's a good thing for the intruders that they picked on weak little Twilight instead of, say, some telekinetic strong enough to lift an Ursa Minor. They might have had trouble if they did that.
“Twilight,” a voice called, “Ah’m coming!” Applejack attempted to get the intruder off of Twilight, but the intruder turned, grabbed the pony’s head between their hooves, and twisted hard. Applejack’s neck snapped as she fell to the floor.
Applejack's very easy to kill, after all. Too bad she doesn't belong to a species that has a very strong neck, or something like that. And even if she did, it's not like she's muscular or anything. This is an AU where Applejack's an anemic chicken, then? Because if she was, instead, a tough brawling farmgirl, or something like that, this whole scene wouldn't work.
... and the last thing she heard was Spike yelling, “someone tell the princesses!”
It's too bad Spike doesn't know anyone with teeth and claws able to rip through solid stone or breath hot enough to melt steel, right? Because if someone like that were handy, the attackers wouldn't stand a chance. For that matter, if he simply knew someone who could teleport messages with his magic breath to Celestia, there'd be a chance of rescue. Too bad no one like that is handy, eh?
I'm guessing that awesomely-powerful Reality Warper Pinkie Pie, Mind Controller Fluttershy, and Martial Artist Rarity were all on strike that day?
“R...Rainbow Dash?”
“Sup?”
“Why would you do this to me?” Twilight began forming tears in her eyes.
"How did you get so ridiculously powerful?" is another obvious question. Rainbow Dash has taken down five of the most powerful Ponies in Equestria, apparently with nothing but smoke grenades, hoof-to-hoof fighting and a hazmat suit. Wow, if it was that easy, why have all their other enemies done so poorly against them?
“I have a type of highly contagious radiation. Very lethal, too.” Rainbow Dash found the lethality of it amusing, and laughed out loud crazily. “And now you've got it, Twilight. And the rest of our friends have it.”
"Highly contagious" radiation? How does that work, exactly?
I'm gathering that the, ahem, "highly contagious" radiation also drives you violently insane? Also, didn't Rainbow Dash kill Applejack a bit earlier when she snapped her neck in the original absurdly overpowered attack?
Why will Twilight's blood kill everypony in Canterlot? Obviously the "highly contagious" radiation didn't kill Rainbow Dash, and Twilight's not as badly irradiated. (Hint: radiation isn't a living organism).
“That old pile of junk?” Rainbow giggled, pointing a hoof at it, “That was just Applejack. She refused to do it until you woke up, so I had no choice. Boy, the way she fought as I ripped out her organs one by one with my bare hooves… The way she screamed and cried… And she swore a lot, too. It was so awesome!”
Twilight was so enraged now. “You BITCH,” she screamed, “I'LL MAKE SURE CELESTIA KNOWS YOU DID THIS!”
“I doubt it,” said Rainbow, “because if you do, I’m the one with the cure. Remember that."
No, Zecora is the one who knows how to make the cure. Furthermore, if it's that freaking easy, Celestia would probably know how to do it too. And the fate of all Canterlot (including Twilight's parents) is at stake; Twilight wouldn't betray her country and Princess just to save her own life.
“Dammit! You should’ve told me! I’m off!”
Twilight, haven't you noticed yet that Rainbow Dash has obviously gone insane? Too bad you're not, like, a really smart Pony. Intelligence would be a useful attribute now.
Twilight HAD noticed some nausea earlier, and her head was pounding even more than it was before.
Well, and plus Twilight was beaten unconscious in the first scene of the story. Getting knocked unconscious hurts -- you would normally wake up with a headache and nausea. I've been knocked out twice in my life, and each time it felt like that.
"Bitch" and "piss off" are really ludicrous under-reactions to what Rainbow's done, and what's more are totally OOC for Twilight. It's also remarkable that Twilight hasn't made any effort to try to appeal to whatever might remain of Dashie's better nature. Or at all curious about why the "highly contagious radiation" is causing obvious and drastic personality alterations.
Of course, the alicorn wasn’t paying much attention to the friendly conversation. She was watching the heart monitor. Her heart beat was constantly increasing. She could feel herself breathing heavily. No turning back now, she thought. I just single-hoofedly killed all of Canterlot, thanks to Rainbow Dash… What have I done? I could have said no and sacrificed myself!
If you're going to have a character act totally OOC, having her then question her own OOC'ness is poor form. The fact is that canon Twilight would never have done any of these stupid things. She's far too intelligent and far too honorable.
Slowly, her eyelids started to droop. She wasn’t trying to pay attention to anything at all, just thinking about what was to become of Canterlot, of Equestria. Of Princess Celestia and Luna. She had killed them, too. Equestria would be without any rule. Why would Rainbow Dash do this?
Why indeed? And shouldn't you have been asking these questions when you were actually in Dashie's presence? As I said, too bad there's no really smart Pony in this scene ...
"Duh. My friend has just gone crazy, attacked with super speed and strength sufficient to overcome five of the most powerful mares in Equestria plus a Dragon, and murdered her best friend Applejack. Is there anything odd about this? Nope, just the normal effects of 'highly contagious radiation.' Whatever that is. Ah well, my life, the lives of my surviving friends, and all of Canterlot depend upon the answer to my questions, so I'm going to shut off my brain and cruise on automatic for a while. Whee!"
Without warning, Rainbow Dash grabbed a thin, sharp knife and stabbed Twilight’s lower abdomen.
Anatomically very difficult, unless Twilight is reared on her hind legs or lying on her back. Did you forget that these are Ponies? As in, normally quadrupeds?
Twilight froze. If the entire flask was in her, she wouldn’t be cured. Rainbow had played her. Using all of her strength, Twilight managed to stand, turn, and buck her legs at Rainbow’s face.
Anatomically close to impossible, given the described wound Rainbow inflicted on her.
Okay. Briefly, if you want to write a tearjerker tragedy, don't hang the whole plot on everypony acting severely out of character and forgetting most of their own capabilities, don't make the menace something silly like "highly contagious radiation" (radiation isn't alive, and hence isn't "contagious") and don't write Twilight as an idiot. Really.
Oh, also the plan to destroy Canterlot is absurd. Even if the "highly contagious radiation" contaminated the blood bank, all that this would mean is that those getting blood transfusions would be at risk. How often does one get a blood transfusion?
At no point did you give a plausible reason for Rainbow Dash to do any of this. Which means the whole plot is based on no discernable motivation.
This is one of the absolutely worst fanfics I've ever read. The attempt at tragedy is utterly undermined by the absence of plausibility.
So, how does anyone intelligent enough to string the words together to write this story actually write this story? I think I've been infected by "highly contagious radiation" by reading it.
Because, after all, the Mane Six are a bunch of helpless cowards, rather than world-saving heroines.
While everything you've said here does say this fic stinks. The mane six have been show to scream and retreat when faced with an enemy they know nothing about and has taken them off guard. (Like fighting immortal timber wolves.)
This is like watching a train wreck in slow motion. It's horrible, but you just keep watching.
That's so OOC it almost sounds like a find/replace of a fanfic from another fandom...
2495671
They retreated effectively to fight effectively somewhere else. In this story, they just succumbed helplessly. Admittedly, they were caught by surprise and Rainbow Dash was their attacker, so there were only five of them plus Spike, but still ... there is no explanation given in story for why Rainbow Dash is able to overcome them all with such absurd ease. The writer outright forgets about Fluttershy and Rarity during the fight and never explains what Pinkie Pie and Spike are doing (well, Spike hilariously cries out that "someone" should warn Celestia -- hilariously, because he's the one with the magic teleport fire breath!)
Reading this was hilarious
Or even if they were helpless cowards, have their brains shut down and they forgot they had a larynx, lungs and a mouth to scream! Or did RD take those as well. Oh wait, they would have died. How about running? How about fighting back? HOW ABOUT INSTINCT!!!
Does this make sense to you?
2495778
The thing is that even given that Evil!Rainbow Dash knew them and their strengths and weaknesses, and attacked by surprise, each of the remaining six individuals had significant powers and skills which should have enabled that one to fight back effectively, escape, or escape with her friends.
Twilight herself is one of the most powerful mages in Equestria, with the ability to telekinese objects massing tons and perform numerous other feats, including raising shields to protect herself and/or others and teleporting herself and/or others. As an Alicorn she's physically tougher than most other Ponies -- in my verse she regenerates (so the wound inflicted on her probably wouldn't be sufficient to kill her) though I won't hold the writer to that because this ability's never been shown in canon (it's a Required Secondary Power of Celestia and Luna's kind of immortality, but we don't know if Twilight has that either).
Applejack is in canon an enormously competent brawler and overall athlete. She's specifically Rainbow Dash's equal in athletic ability, which is why the scene where Dashie easily takes her down is so silly. In terms of sheer strength and toughness, she's Rainbow Dash's superior (Dashie has her beat in terms of speed).
Pinkie Pie is a Precognitive Reality Warper. Which means she would probably have seen the attack coming, and then been able to do something either to fight or escape. Especially if it was funnier than the alternative. She also has high-end Earth Pony strength and toughness, though she rarely chooses to fight with anything that simple.
Fluttershy has stronger Mind Control powers than anyone save possibly Discord. (Though she might not have had time to use them). Oh, and she has Discord himself as an Ally. (Though he may not have been paying attention at the time; he intervenes randomly and at his own convenience).
Rarity is a competent Martial Artist, and under her "Oh, I need my fainting couch" facade is in canon brave and cool-headed in a crisis. She's physically one of the three weakest members of the Mane Six (Twilight and Fluttershy being the others) but has kicked a Manticore in the head and beaten Changeling Warriors hoof-to-hoof.
Spike -- ooh, Spike got more Nerfing than any of the others.
Spike is a Dragon. His body is covered with metallic, armored scales which amount to him wearing a full-body suit of light chainmail. His jaws and teeth can bite through mild steel, his claws tear through most rock, and his breath is hot enough to melt hardened steel. Oh, and he would fight like a demon to protect two of the mares in that room, Twilight and Rarity; and generally cares about the other three.
I'm actually not sure that Rainbow Dash could take Spike down short of using a Rainboom on him. Which she didn't.
Bad writers often miss how tough is Spike because he doesn't normally act macho-Badass, or more to the point he acts faux-Badass. Also, he's physically small.
But he's been shown in canon to be physically-powerful. He is as strong as a full-grown Earth Pony, based on the things we've seen him lift. Everything I said about his jaws, teeth and breath is supportable by scenes in either the TV series or the IDW comic book. If Spike were evil, he'd be terrifying.
And no, nothing about the story makes sense to me. For instance, if Twilight were too weak to fight Rainbow Dash given that in canon her magic can hold her helplessly in a telekinetic grip, then how did Twilight get to CANTERLOT and BACK? Why was Twilight so stupid that she just took for granted, without thinking about the reasons or implications, that Rainbow Dash had suddenly turned megalomaniacally-evil? Why did she trust Rainbow Dash, after she knew that Dashie had killed and dismembered Applejack? Seriously, it's as if everyone had their brains and powers turned off for the sake of the story.
Well to be honest i never expected Pinkie to use her "reality bending powers". She is not Discord, those powers can only be used for comic relief and suppose to not happen just like their songs. Being meta and 4th wall breaking is not a canon ability.
2496578
Her precognitive abilities are total canon -- there was a whole episode ("Feeling Pinkie Keen") devoted to them. And she's used Reality Warping in a fight before -- remember when she wielded Twilight like a machine gun against the Changelings? Her main limitations are that she's neither infallible nor infinitely powerful (I explored that in Dragonshyness) and that she's limited by Rule of Plausible OR Rule of Funny (what she does has to either look plausible or be really funny).
I'd give them 'stabbed lower abdomen'. I don't think that would be that hard to do on a Pony, so long as you weren't particular about having the wound on the midline of the belly.
The rest, though...
2496725
The wound described is possible but would require Rainbow Dash to first throw Twilight on her back or otherwise expose her lower abdomen. The writer was clearly thinking in terms of human postures, but it is very unlikely that an exhausted and ill Twilight would be standing on her hind legs.
If there is one thing that turns me off of a story faster than poor grammar and/or spelling, it's authors mangling characters. Granted, keeping the Mane 6 in character can be challenging, even the writers of the SHOW sometimes have trouble for crying out loud. But the extent that some people warp and twist the characters and personalities of these established ponies can get downright ridiculous.
When it comes to a background pony like Derpy, I'm willing and able to forgive and accept a whole lot of variation, ranging from Derpy being a clumsy engineering genius to a lovable klutz with a mental handicap. Know why? Its because their character hasn't been developed and displayed through four seasons, two movies and assorted comics.
I just have trouble reading stories that take someone like Twilight or Rainbow and doing a complete hatchet job on their personalities. None of the Mane Six are murderers, nor are they even capable of murder. Stories like "Cupcakes", "Condemned", and this "Clock is Ticking" are just shock fiction for the express purpose of doing just that; shocking people. If it was an OC or even a background pony who are revealed to be murderers, well, okay. Just leave the established characters alone.
2497912
The story could work if there was a specific reason for Rainbow Dash to have gone insane, and the story implies one but does not really explain the reasons. After that, the problem is that the story ignores the canon powers of the characters, because these powers would get in the way of victimizing them.
2497949 And that's the problem, there is rarely if ever a reason given in these stories.
".
".
"Ooh, my names Pinkie Pie, I act a little weird compared to others so that means I'm secretly a murderous psycho who tortures my best friends in my basement
"Hi, I'm Twilight, I was framed for murder by a changeling and therefore I'm going to kill everyone around me to prove I'm not a murderer
Sorry, but no. Just, no. A good story has to make some sort of sense, dammit!
I would like to state for the record that I have absolutely nothing to do with "Infant Horizon".