• Member Since 26th Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen Dec 31st, 2017

BlinkyPony


"I knew they could be pretty stupid, but I didn't realise they could be so fucking dense that light bends around them." ~Sigma

More Blog Posts24

  • 410 weeks
    Late-Night Mini-Rant: Buses and Crossings

    Anyone that ever rode on a school bus can probably empathize here. Or maybe it's something that only happened to me, and only I'm bothered by. Either way, those times when school buses have to constantly stop at every single train crossing? It's pretty annoying. Now, I didn't really give that much of a shit whilst I was the little twerp riding said bus, no... but in the

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    4 comments · 519 views
  • 411 weeks
    Friendly Reminder To The Fandom, and Fans In General

    You know what's bullshit? When aged, grown-up men (and women) get assblasted and aggro'd over a cartoon meant for those who are still some years away from reaching puberty. When they, the self-declared "true fans" of the show, seem to think that they know what's best for the show and the audience it was specifically written for. I can say that "it's a show for little girls" and "it wasn't made

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    15 comments · 859 views
  • 416 weeks
    It's Just A Prank, Bro; aka, "Why April Fools Is My Least-Liked Day Of The Year"

    In which I be "that girl" and demonstrate my inability to "have fun".

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    7 comments · 498 views
  • 427 weeks
    On Starlight Glimmer and "Punishment"

    Why do people have to be so goddamn childish?

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    14 comments · 1,301 views
  • 470 weeks
    On Mind Alteration

    Okay, not even gonna try and justify my last break. I was tired, stressed, and wanted a little escape, which ended up turning into a bit of an extended hiatus. And yet, somehow, several months barely felt like a few days. Blegh. Oh well. Funny thing is, what really got me is a case of being in the wrong place at the right time. Or wrong time, rather. Everything about it seemed wrong. But anyway,

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    4 comments · 630 views
Sep
24th
2014

T'was Not A Charm This Time: Feature Box Special #03 · 11:34pm Sep 24th, 2014

Third time's apparently the charm, but I really don't feel like it ever is when it comes to the Featured Box. That's right, I'm doing yet another round of these reviews, and no, I don't plan on giving it up anytime soon. Don't bother crying for me, I was dead the moment I stepped on shores of River Styx that is Fimfiction. Morbid similes aside, let's have a look at the damage this week, shall we? (Once again, I simply grabbed a screenshot of the box yesterday, and started reviewing each one as in-depth as I can; I know there are different ones in the box now, but fuck you, I'm not doing the newer ones.)

Looks to be a pretty standard state of affairs for the box, as far as I'm concerned. Right now, all I can see upon first glance is:

· A "4randumbz" HiE fic.
· A second-person story that tries to be poetic and insightful.
· The self-declared "Alternate universe based on contrived coincidences and stupidity."
· >inb4 Twilestia
· "Let's throw an angry drill instructor into high school, and see what happens!"
· The usual run-of-the-mill clop.
· More clop, but written by the guy who's better known for his art.

Nothing exactly jumps out at me here, but, nothing ever seems to. It's just the usual fare for the box. At least there isn't too much clop in it, though that doesn't provide much comfort, to be honest. There are times when the clop-related stuff actually outshines the other dreck that might be in there, but the last time that happened was around the time a blue moon was in the night sky, so it's definitely not something that you should count on. But, no sense pissing around, we still have stuff to review...


He makes Discord look sane. Most ponies resent him. He is the most chaotic thing to ever live.

Will he save Equestria? Will he doom it? Will Citrus Fruit be involved? More then Likely. Beware, he is...The Human.


I don't even know why I bother, sometimes.

...Alright, I've no idea what spawned this story and how it got featured, but I suppose we all need to vent a little randomness sometimes. I don't read these kind of stories out of habit, because the "randumbz" genre is too much of a low-hanging fruit for my tastes. There's no effort put into any comedy or intrigue, it's just one big clusterfuck of random shenanigans with tangents and non sequiturs galore. It's pure stupidity from start to finish, and unless you apparently need to have this sort of thing in your life, just steer clear of it. Not because it's "too much", no; it's just dull slop that shows no effort whatsoever. If I had to offer some technical advice to the author, I would suggest getting a better proofreader... but, that's not what this story needs. No, it just needs a spot saved for it in the trashcan. I try not to be so judgemental of a story because of its genre, but I don't care; this is not entertainment, it's just annoyance. I had to quit the middle of chapter two because I was not in the mood for it. This story is just... bad. That's really all I can say. I know it's probably being played as a parody or as intentionally stupid, like most "random" stories, but it's just not entertaining in any way.


After receiving her acceptance letter for Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, young Applejack is excited to begin her studies, despite knowing nothing about magic. What she lacks in knowledge and skill, she makes up for with enthusiasm!

Alternate universe based on contrived coincidences and stupidity. Don't think about this one too hard.

Ah, another "random" story. Well... with any luck, I would hope that it at least turned out better than the other one.

6th place in the September 2014 Write-Off, "There is Magic in Everything."

...huh. Alright then, so apparently it placed in a Write-Off. That's got to count for something, right? I mean, people did sit down, look it over, and decide, "yeah, that one looks good, let's put it on the shortlist". So clearly it HAS to be a quality story, right? Right?


Would you expect any less of a reaction from me?

Well... it's a lot better than the other story I just reviewed, at least. Far better. But by no means perfect. It's clearly not meant to be taken seriously, with the hilariously contrived coincidences going about that the story at least has the decency to warn us about. Lots of questions go unanswered, are sidestepped, or are blatantly lampshaded. Why and how did Applejack ever get accepted into the school to begin with? Now, I can buy at least some of the misunderstandings that go on here, but anyone accepting her would have to be either incompetent, inattentive, or a complete idiot just to allow that to happen in the first place. And for that matter, by the time the "secret" is revealed (they had no idea she wasn't a unicorn, because her hat was covering her head-- and yes that is exactly as dumb as you think it is), we're left to wonder a few things. The ending suggests that Status Quo was enforced by the end of it all, and it might as well have never happened, but that doesn't make a lot of sense when you consider the stuff that happens. Now, I know the story warns "not to think about it too hard", but fuck you, I'm thinking anyway. If that's the best you can do to explain away the plot holes, then that's just evidence of simple laziness; I don't care what you're writing, but if the story can't be consistent and hold up under its own internal logic, then it fails as a story. Fanfiction only makes it harder, because you're not online holding up to your own story's standards, you're trying to adhere to the source material as well. Here, placing Applejack in this situation changes a lot of situations, and it's a huge stretch to assume it was all possible. Ignoring the issue with how AJ got into the school in the first place, and the fact that at no point she removed her hat-- speaking of which, did she even have her hat at that age? Ah, whatever...

Anyway, if she was in the room with Twilight at the same time the Rainboom happened, then how is it that Celestia missed the little unicorn surging with power and energy right across from her? Hell, it was Celestia herself that snapped her out of it to begin with. How could she somehow miss that and assume that Applejack was the one that hatched the egg? There's "contrived", and then there's just plain "bullshit". And then the whole Applejack becoming Celestia's student, in Twi's place? How the hell does that even work? I mean, yeah, sure, if she really did think she was "the one", then fine, she'd want to take her on as her student. But how could Celestia herself, an all-powerful alicorn, not sense that Applejack wasn't a unicorn to begin with? Even if she can't, then I highly doubt that AJ would keep her hat on around her, indoors, at all times. We've clearly seen AJ remove her hat in her presence at times, and on a number of other occasions. Barring that... wouldn't this severely affect the outcome of canon? From what the ending implied, nothing had really changed that much; I mean, if AJ took Twi's place, and she never got to develop her skills, then I don't think she could ever be put into the same position that leads to the canon outcome. Thus, the six would never have gotten together. Although, the more I think about it, I suppose it's always possible that Twilight could have reported the "revelation" to the headmaster, gotten AJ kicked out, and then perhaps Twilight would be credited for all that what they thought AJ did. Maybe Celestia would even take on Twilight as her student as she was meant to be, though that part sounds a little dubious to me. After all, they don't exactly have a way of proving it was Twilight that did anything, and for all we know, they could have assumed it was pure trickery. There's plenty of factors to dig into, but I've clearly rattled on long enough about them, so... yeah. Let's wrap this up...

No matter my complaints, take from this story what you will. At the end of the day, it's not a terrible story, though I can't exactly say it's great, either. It's just a silly little series of coincidences that wears on you after a while; it's the kind that makes you want to scream, "Oh come ON!" at the story, wondering how these things could possibly get messed-up. It's not exactly a bad thing to play with in literature, but I'm personally not a huge fan of it. It just leaves me unfulfilled and unsatisfied.


After a spell changes your gender, you have to learn how to cope with the sudden changes, but at least you don't have to do it alone.

At first, I honestly wasn't sure what to think of this story. On the one hand, it's a second-person fic, and those are a kind that I really do not care for. On the other, the writing seemed like an interesting experiment in gender fluidity. It was something that intrigued, angered, and confused me all at the same time. But eventually, I did choose to settle on one thought:

This is a terrible story.

There, I said it. It really is. I looked over the story, read some of the comments, and one of them pretty much echoes what I feel about this story. It has some genuinely sweet moments, with Pinkie and particularly the Cake Twins, but the rest of the story is just a mess. I don't even know where to begin, as the comment I linked did a pretty good job of summing up my thoughts, but I'll try and be as sharp and direct as possible: Twilight is an OOC bitch. The dilemma of gender changing is rendered almost completely null. It's so vague that one almost couldn't tell what the problem was to begin with. The whole moral is thrown out the door on its ass. I could go on, guys. I really could. I just... I just don't even know where to start.


Just give me a second to collect myself, here.

Alright, Twilight... well, she pretty much forced the gender spell on the protagonist, despite his/her objections, and then reacted badly to the results. She had no way to reverse it, and in the span of barely a few paragraphs, she outright dumps him/her. (For the sake of this review, I'll henceforth refer to the MC as a "her".) What the hell? No, seriously, is this still Twilight? Holy fuck, I can understand her love for science, but I didn't think she'd force such a DRASTIC change on someone that she supposedly loves and cares about. And speaking of "love", we go into this story with a barely-expositioned, pre-existing relationship. Yes, the kind of relationship that you normally see reserved for some stupid romances or clopfics. Ignoring that, the whole drama of Twilight breaking up with her... well... that should have warranted far more attention than it got. It is spoken about as in the past, something I am beyond caring about, and I have no overall impression of what their relationship was even like. Maybe if more authors stopped being so fond of using in medias res all the goddamned time, we'd have stories we'd actually give a damn about.

Moving on, the whole "issue" of genderbending and its effects seem completely underplayed and overshadowed. Most of the time, it's just angst over the events of the past, and the dilemma itself is hardly made relevant apart from the internal monologues. Fuck, it's the goddamned TITLE, and I don't so much feel like I read a story about gender changing as I did about... well, angst. Whatever else this was. And what the fuck is the moral of this supposed to be, anyway? Twilight doesn't ever seem apologetic in the slightest about doing this to the protag in the first place, and at the end, there's another fuckup that happens which results in her becoming gender fluid, able to switch between male and female at will. It was at this point, dear readers, that my face met the palm of my hand. Sure, way to completely trash a potentially decent moral, author; got genderbent? Hey, you don't need to accept it, let's make you have the chance to be both! It's not like we're totally downplaying any potential morals, here! I guess it IS what's on the outside that matters! Stuff on the inside doesn't count for shit! Who you are doesn't matter, no; if you look different, you ARE different!

Venomous sarcasm aside, I think it's easy to see why I dislike this story, now. I would normally try and pick out the good as well, but apart from the aforementioned scenes of genuine sweetness, the content is already a dealbreaker for me. Big thumbs down on this one, from me.


On top of her universal magical talent, teleportation was Twilight's specialty. With her newfound Alicorn power, even vast distances would be within her reach. She was so certain that there was nowhere they would find themselves other than their destination, she even offered to teleport herself and Celestia all the way to the Crystal Empire, together.

Of course, nowhere is exactly where they find themselves.

For a week.

Well, at least this one here seems promising enough. If it wasn't for the "Everyone" rating and the absence of a certain purple tag, I'd have passed this off as just another Twilestia thing. But hey, it looks decent at first glance. Nothing remarkable to speak of, though the concept seems innocent enough...

(Oneshotober 2014)

...Oh, god fucking dammit. Not YOU again. Fuck, it's a Oneshotober fic... I'd hoped that it wouldn't be happening again this year, but, guess it was just wishful thinking on our parts.


Brace yourselves for the flood, gentlemen.

Now that I've cancelled my appointments and stocked the bunker, lets have a look at the story itself. It's really not all that bad, actually; in fact, it's pretty good. Four stories in, and we've finally found the box's first (and likely, only) good story. It's an interesting concept, to be sure; it goes off the idea that long-distance teleporting, while instantaneous in the real world, actually takes quite a bit of time for the ones making the jump. It's presented in an approachable way, and the conversations between Twilight and Celestia are insightful and interesting, though it does feel somewhat "empty" to a degree. It's a pleasant read that seems to have got cut short due to time constraints, because of -- you guessed it -- Oneshotober. I suppose it's a good thing that the story didn't outstay its welcome or anything, but it certainly feels like there could be more done with this story. It's good, but those that can appreciate a long line of conversations in a white void between teacher and student might enjoy it best.

Finally, this might eventually get a sequel where Twilight develops a crush on Celestia. I didn't go into great detail on it at the end because it was originally from Celestia's POV and I thought it read better as it was, but Twilight took that "wing over you snuggled up on a pillow" bit to mean something more than Celestia intended.

Minor point, but this little bit here annoys me somewhat. I'm not a fan of this pairing, as I've stated in the past. And before you people go shouting "But muh OTP!" at me, I'm not trying to get on this author's case for having such plans. Do with it what you like, but the story feels a little spoiled with the knowledge that the events of this can only lead to shipping. I'm not saying, "don't do it", but it's something that bugs me slightly. Of course you can always ignore my little nitpicks on that regard, since the story by itself is more than decent overall, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for the rest of these featured fics now...


When the gym class teacher breaks her leg during a martial arts session, Principal Celestia and Vice-Principal Luna have to turn to someone they didn't want to turn to from the beginning.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman.

I've never actually watched Full Metal Jacket before, but, that's apparently where the loudmouth drill instructor on the pic up there comes from. And despite the fact that the (probably) died in the movie, he's apparently alive and well here anyway. The first chapter so far doesn't actually have much going for it yet, but it does set up for the Sarge's arrival in the next chapter or so. Does it interest me? Well, not really, no. Though to be fair, it's decently-written, and one does have to love the sheer ham that the sergeant exudes in his brief speaking lines. It's set in the Equestria Girls world, which is honestly the only way it could make more sense and potentially be interesting, so I suppose that was a smart call on the author's side for not cramming it into X-in-Equestria alien crossover material. (I think that has been done before anyway.) As it stands, there's not a lot to see right now, but there is a bit of potential here for some amusement, if nothing else. Apart from that... well, we'll probably have to wait and see.



#2: Room For Rent
by Anonymous Pegasus

Lucky Charm is one of the luckiest ponies in all of Equestria, and that fact is only reinforced when he finds Spitfire drunk in his home.

It's certainly no surprise when he starts liking the show-mare.

But it's a little bit more hazy when she starts to like him too.

Is it just his exceptionally good luck again, or something more?

First off, the fuck kind of name is Lucky Charm? I know how pony-themed names go and all, but jeez, now all I'm going to be thinking about is the cereal. Blugh. Anyway, while on first glance I assumed this was yet another pointless clopfic (mature and sex tag, check, pretty and/or saucy mare cover image, check, not-so-subtle hints to the inevitable outcome, check), it turns out this is one of the few that doesn't actually have any actual clop at all right off the bat. While I suppose I can't fault them for that; hell, if you're making this an interesting story, then by all means proceed. But is this an interesting story?

Well, I wouldn't say it's excellent, but as the drive for a romance that will doubtlessly involve clop down the line, it certainly does the job. This "Lucky Charm" fellow apparently has the special talent of bending reality and circumstance itself to his will, despite being a pegasus, so I'm pretty tempted to call bullshit on that. He's also a bit of a twat, and not even in the charming way; he's just being a selfish cunt for selfish cunt's sake, and the only courtesy he had was helping Spitfire out when she was drunk and throwing up, and even then he was a bit prickish at times. So... I can't exactly say I like him very much. He's also kind of an idiot, not realizing that the Spitfire he meets is the genuine one after all. To the story's credit however, it's at least written quite competently. Anonymous Pegasus isn't my favorite writer or anything (why won't Affliction of the Heart just fucking end, already? We're already second generation at this point, I don't want to read about the third generation's struggles by the time he's through with it), but I can at least confess that he's a good writer, technically.

So... there's no clop so far, only a couple of chapters of buildup. I imagine it won't be more than another few updates until most of the people that come to read finally get what they're coming for. It's well-written enough, but it's not something I can say I really enjoyed all that much. Some of you cloppers will need to wait for any action, but, at least there's a story being paired with this, so it's not completely pointless. You'll be hard pressed to get me to recommend any romance or clop though, and this one doesn't exactly make me eager to do so.



#1: Twilight Catches Spike Having A Wet Dream
by ZuTheSkunk

Twilight once again stays up late because of a report she needs to finish. She eventually gets it done, but just when she thinks she will finally get some rest, she unexpectedly comes across something that is very hard not to notice...

And the final fic in the box is... well, it kind of surprised me. Not because it was good, or because this was the only story in it with actual clop at the time, but because it was written by a guy that's better known for his art than his writing. Yeah, ZuTheSkunk himself not only made the cover, he wrote the story as well. I do wonder what brought about that sudden decision, but, stranger things have happened. He's pretty well-known in the fandom, but don't expect me to pull any punches for the popular guy; I didn't do it with any of them yet in these reviews, and I don't plan on starting.

Regarding the story itself, of course... the core premise is neatly encapsulated in the title. It can pretty much be boiled down to "Twilight stumbles across Spike asleep with a raging boner, and she gives him a hoofjob and a blowjob because fuck it all". That's pretty much what this all is. No real plot nor purpose, and not too much better than most oneshot clop that you see in the box. To be fair, it's well-written, and I can certainly see that this guy has the potential to be a good writer as well as he is a good artist. Though, I personally feel such talent is wasted on low-hanging fruit such as this. And I find it a little funny that, even though this is clop, it doesn't even go "all the way", so to speak; it just kind of... ends. And the author admits to just ending it as it was, and that feels... I dunno, lazy? I sort of want to complain that he ended it the way he did, but it did end the story early, so that's actually good enough for me. It still doesn't save this fic from being not a lot better than most bottom-of-the-barrel clop, however.


Well, that wraps up another round of reviews, finally. I can't say I enjoy doing these, but, like I always say: "You could always be doing something better, or something worse. So fuck it all, and just go for it."


Now if you'll excuse me, there are dinners to be burned.

~Blinkie

Report BlinkyPony · 584 views ·
Comments ( 7 )

Will the horrors never end? :fluttershbad:

I laughed at how you criticized my fic because it's so true. :rainbowlaugh: It was an attempt to clear writers block and it some how got featured.

Ah well, back to writing things that actually make a lick of sense. :unsuresweetie:

2481072
Not as long as knighty gets his bitcoins! :raritywink:

First off, the fuck kind of name is Lucky Charm? I know how pony-themed names go and all, but jeez, now all I'm going to be thinking about is the cereal

:ajsmug:

These are always good for a laugh. You're like fimfic's very own Yahtzee!

Months after the fact, but I'm only now discovering your reviews through Singularity Dream's Master Review List. I just wanted to clarify one small thing, and hopefully remove one perceived blemish on my story.

Minor point, but this little bit here annoys me somewhat. I'm not a fan of this pairing, as I've stated in the past. And before you people go shouting "But muh OTP!" at me, I'm not trying to get on this author's case for having such plans. Do with it what you like, but the story feels a little spoiled with the knowledge that the events of this can only lead to shipping.

It won't. Like I said in the comment, Twilight develops a crush. The second part, should I ever write it, will mostly be about Celestia letting her down gently on that one. She wouldn't be totally averse to the possibility one day, but for now, Twilight is still a bit too immature in regards to Celestia. She puts her mentor on a pedestal that precludes any chance of a healthy relationship between them.

Besides, when I ship Twilight with anyone, it's usually Pinkie.

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