Those of us that have ever worked in the service business... · 12:29am Sep 21st, 2014
...have always had some choice phrases to say to our more... complicated customers. But we don't say it, because it would probably get us in trouble.
So, without spilling the story behind it to keep it confidential and such, I invite you to say exactly what you've wanted to say. Just write it in the comment section, as if you were saying it to their face.
Only things:
Make it a creative one. Anyone can go and say: F**k you! You must have thought something better than that!
And second, no personal info, no names, no companies mentioned, nothing that can be traced to a point of origin. Just say the exact thing you choked back.
I'll start.
"Sir, you wouldn't know good manners if they organized a university-endorsed exploration party and spelunked their way up your ass and out your nose, only to slap you several times with guidelines."
"Madam, if your husband was even slightly more stupid, he'd need to be watered twice a week"
"Wow, I have a couple of Darwin Award winners here. Surely, truly the both of you will not breed and contaminate the gene pool."
2470682
THAT IS GOLDEN!!!
"I would prefer it if you didn't lecture me on what's healthy and what isn't while you're in possession of a physique like a water balloon full of cake batter."
"This is the scheduling department. I repeat, the SCHEDULING department. Is it the cancelation department? NO! It's the scheduling department! I'm not authorized to cancel anything. No, I won't cancel your services! And I'm not gonna give you the branch number, either! You're stuck with us! FOREVER! No, I don't care if I'm calling you while you're eating! While you're stuffing your fat face! Are you gonna agree to be scheduled for this, Mr. Jones, or not?! Or, are you just gonna keep wasting time by calling me names? I'm a fuck face you say? Why, yes! I do think my face is sexy! Thank you! Buhbye!"
I've got a couple stories to tell from my time working in a cafe.
This lady came in and ordered the French Toast with a side of bacon. She got what she ordered, but refused to eat it because the toast and the bacon WERE TOUCHING. She basically commanded the waitresses to take it back and the chef to make a new one.
The other story is one of my personal favourites.
A different lady came in and ordered one and a half portions of a fettuccine pasta dish (which is noodles in a cream sauce with mushroons, pesto etc). She told the waiter (who is also the manager) to leave the egg off of it, which was for another dish we had called the Carbonara. For that we cracked an egg in half and kept the yolk in one half of the egg which we put on top of the carbonara. Anyway, the waiter said "Sorry, the egg comes with the Carbonara and not the fettuccini, which you ordered." She asked if she could swap the fettuccini for the carbonara. By this stage the fettucini was already made, and the chef was angry he had to make another one, but he does so anyway. At this point the waiter/manager says she's going to have to pay for both pasta dishes. She flips the fuck out, whinging that she doesn't 'have' to pay for both because she wasn't going to eat it. She asked to speak to the manager but she doesn't know she was dealing with the manager this whole time. He says "Lady, I am the manager and it's not going to get any better for you." She up and left with a shitton of food made leaving one very angry chef.
"I charge too much? Look, Bitch I just crawled under your 2 block high house and Swam through YOUR SHIT for 3 FUCKING HOURS. I AM A PLUMBER I DON'T DO THIS SHIT FOR FREE. It's gonna cost you. I wen't to school for 4 years to do this shit. And then another year to get my master license. If it wasn't for plumbing civilization wouldn't Fucking exist. And I still charged you less than any other plumber in the state. I need to put gas in my truck as well. I drove 50 miles to get here when you called. And I came as fast as I could but your not the only person with plumbing problems. I work a hundred hours a week and I still can't keep up with the demand. So pay me or I will go under your house and cut every single fucking pipe out and charge you to fix it again."
Man that was therapeutic. I needed to get that off of my chest. I feel better now thank you.
"Ma'am, if you want to blame anyone for your shrimpcheese falling through the hole in the bread you bought, blame the shrimps for obeying the laws of gravity. I can't pay you back for the bread."
...The lamest one of the bunch, but it's the only one I had where I was like "what the fuck, lady?"
Sir, I am the butler and sommelier, you are a pretentious, new-money arse who couldn't tell Chateau Petrus from the cat water (chat eau
) that they sell at sainsbury's. Allow me to therefore assure both of your brain-cells that you do NOT serve red wine chilled and with fish!
Are you sure? Well aright
"Honestly? What position are you of all people in to insult me? I do my job and I make sure to over do it! So unlike you I don't get to pick my own hours and pick when I come in and leave! Are you really proud that you've worked here for 8 years and got promoted to manager a few months ago? Well that's just dandy for you! Because where you slack off I pick up! You lazy prick!"
I've never had a troublesome costumer but I did have a very rude manager...hope this works
2470722
There are people with autism, or Asberger Syndrome (which I suspect might be the case in this scenario) who can't eat things if they touch each other. It's not so much that she was a troublesome customer, but just a matter of her being, whatchama call it, mentally different? I don't know if it is the case, but it's a possibility.
Also: Poor chef ><
"I pity the concept of existence for having to apply to you."
Always wanted to use that one.
2470722
Oh, I love work stories... A really good one from when I was working for *Untitled Cell Phone Company call Center*
So I'm sitting at my cubical, and in comes a call. *surprise, surprise*
"Thanks for calling *blank* together with *Blank* this is Lordfrieza how may I help you?"
"Yes, I wanted to know if my phone has its warranty and insurance on it,"
"Okay I can check that for you Miss *Blank*. Would you mind to verify your account?"
*Varifies account*
"Yes, it appears that you do have your manufacture's warranty, and the *Blank* insurance for your phone."
"Does that cover bodily fluids?"
*Looks at screen for a moment... Checks warranty*
"Well, the warranty doesn't mention anything about bodily fluids, so it should be covered... Miss, if you don't mind me asking, and I won't make a note of it, but what happened?"
"Well, I came home holding my phone when I heard something coming from my bedroom. I walked in and I saw my husband, in bed, with my mother. So I walked up to the bed, rared back, and shoved the phone up his ass to my wrist, let go, and pulled my hand out."
"Oh... Wow..."
"Yeah, anyway he's not pressing charges, but he did get a restraining order. They gave me my phone back, and should I leave it in the baggie?"
"Yes, I would certainly leave it in the baggie. Take it to your local *Blank* store and they will take it back for you. There will be a fifty dollar charge, and you'll get a new phone..."
"So, what's going to happen to my old phone?"
"Miss, I regret to say that *Blank* refurbishes all of it's returned phones."
To this day.. What she said next... It was so corny, but I have never forgotten it.
"Wow, someone's going to be getting some shitty service huh?"
As a cashier at Wal-Mart:
"Sir, you have an order of nearly $100, and there are five people in the line behind you. Would it kill you to accept that your TWO DOLLAR COUPON isn't working instead of spending 27 minutes with me trying to get the damned thing to work"
I had some really..."good" ones working as a pest control technician, but I seem to have blotted them from my memory
I am sorry, sir, but I cannot identify which one of the literally thousands of pen you are looking for, as despite the fact that you bought it here, I wasn't born yet at the time.
Moreover, you cannot buy the entire internet in a box. That's like us selling you the US Postal Service.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to take this printer which weighs, coincidentally, as much as I do, and as much as your last trip to the buffet, and wedge it into the rafters so it doesn't kill someone on the way down.
(I work at staples)
Alternatively:
I swear to god, if you don't make up your mind about what to order I will stab you with a TOMATO!
Also:
www.notalwaysright.com
Gotta love movie theater customers.
"Ma'am, we gave you the location and time of your movie in at least three different locations. One of them being right in your hands on your ticket, the second when it was read out to you as said ticket was torn, and the third is on the sign outside the theater which you just blindly barged into. I'm sorry you lack the situational awareness or the necessary brainpower to realize this, because that's not our fault that you missed the movie."
2470765
Freiza's job before becoming Emperor of the Universe was tech support. That's actually a pretty hilarious thought.
As for me, all I can really say is this:
"I've had enough people call in with problems as insignificant as this to call my MP, and have a one-day computer course instated in all occupations involving computers. You people should know how to fix this."
2470760 .....Aspergers has nothing to do with that. That's an OCD thing. Don't lump the two together, thank you very much.
One of my personal favorites:
Guy comes in and begins by saying he's a regular customer. Since I work in an independent garage with one other person, I know all the regular customers.
He asks where the owner is.
I tell him that the owner is now managing the second shop he opened up in another town.
I didn't know he had a second shop. When did he opened it?
With a gleeful smile on my face, I said "Three years ago."
The customer was a bit taken aback, but recovered masterfully, and said, "I haven't seen you before. How long have you worked here?"
Totally deadpan, I looked Mr. Regular Customer in the eye and said, "six years."
I haven't seen him since.
"Yes ma'am, it is in fact my job to make sure you aren't stealing. I am a security guard and therefore I guard the location and make sure all merchandise is secure. That includes the $400 worth of wood you 'miscounted'."
2470760
I have autism/asperger and that isn't any problem with me. I've not come across any case where someone that has asperger won't eat something because it's touching something else. The two are mutually exclusive.
It's embarrassing but I'm stumped. As a former waiter I Know I've had horrible, horrible customers but I think I've repressed the memories of them.
Over summer I worked at an Ice Cream Shop that used (keyword USED) to be a BR and we would get customers that tried to use their coupons on us. My Favorite.
"Hello, welcome to Awesome Local Ice Cream how can I help you"
"Do you take coupons for BR?"
"No Ma'm we do not is there anything else we can get you?"
"Cause I got this coupon for a free 1.5Ounce Scoop and I was wondering if I could use it here."
"As I just said, this is not BR. This is Awesome Local Ice Cream."
And here's the best part.
"Well Can't you take it anyway?"
I just wanted to slap the stupid out of this lady.
Oh sure, it'll work perfectly fine in your car. I'll even be here tomorrow to help you if you need to return it.
(After being told to kill myself by a particularly rude wealthy customer)
"If I wanted to commit suicide, Ma'am, I would simply leap off your ego and land on your IQ"
Will you idiots stop coming here? I have actual work to do so I can go home.
No, you may not get a game right now. The building is currently on fire.
~Skeeter The Lurker
I work in a supermarket and in three years the best customer I had was a women came up to me and mind you I was WEARING my uniform which has the company name on the back.
She approaches me and asks me "Excuse me do you work here?"
I wanted to say, "no madam I like wearing green it makes me look slimmer!"
However it came out as, "Yes madam, can I help you?"
So far as stupidity goes, she hasn't been beaten.
2470819 Just because you've never heard of such a case doesn't mean they don't exist. I, for example, have Aspergers, and am very strongly opposed to my various foodstuffs getting too comfortable with each other (to what extent depends on what kinds of food they are).
So basically, don't say that two things never happen at the same time just because you've never seen it.
"I would rather floss my buttcrack with barbed wire than see you come through our door again, you relentlessly vapid by-product of a broken condom."
Or some variation thereof.
I was working at McDonald's (specifically the order-taker/pay window of the drivethru) and a customer shoved their card at me.
He then waited for approximately 2 seconds before he started driving off to the next window. When I stopped him, he shot me the nastiest look and, in a varry strawng Noo Joisey aksent (very noticeable here in Augusta, Georgia, USA), asked me "What da hell ah ya doin'?!"
What I said: "You almost forgot your debit card, sir."
What I should have said: "Oh, nothing, jackass. Lemme keep your card and buy the entire shift something from Olive Garden, and then drop by the Sexcapades Adult Bookstore downtown and buy as much gay porn as I can, and imagine you trying to explain that to your wife when the overdraft statement comes in. By all means, get your Yankee ass up to the next window, please."
Trust me...I got 7 1/2 years of McDonald's anger to work out, don't get me started.
I don't care who you are, I can't violate the fucking laws of physics just because you want me to.
2470760 I have that issue, but what I do is ask, not get pissed off.
I don't care that you are a retired admiral...water can not flow uphill, gravity makes it a near impossibilty....so when i say its your toilet and not your sewer system that is clogged, know that I have the full weight of our universe's physical laws to back up my statement!
*edit* some background on this, I worked for a drain cleaning company...went to this old WW2 admiral's house. His second floor toilet was clogged, but he wanted us to run the 4inch outside line to try and fix it...as the 4 inch line runs under his basement and he has toilets, floor drains, sinks and standpipes between there and the second floor, it shows that the 4 inch line could not be the problem, or else his house would be flooded by the time issues occured upstairs...but he argued with us for 2 hours before kicking us out
"Hello? Yes. This is the senior systems administrator calling in response to your technicians request with respect to case number xx-xxxx.
I am afraid that we cannot entertain your request to power down the machine in question, in order to troubleshoot by swapping ram modules or memory risers. Doing so will require an outage window, and I mean that in the most blatantly non-plural of terms. We can not attempt any more testing until we have the replacement parts on hand, which I understand will be one memory module, and one memory riser in such case that it is actually defective.
You will need to send us the parts before we can continue. I will not be producing any additional downtime to doublecheck which memory module is bad. I will not be turning it off and on again, jiggling the connections, or blowing on the memory risers, as your technician suggested in our last correspondence. This is an R900 server. It is not a Nintendo Entertainment System. It is part of our core database cluster, with which we provide services to clients who's names begin with "The Department Of.."
Yes.
Yes. Thank you. Four hours to pickup will be just fine.
You're welcome."
2470956
I'm saying that they're mutually exclusive, not to say there aren't cases.
Look, it's pretty simple. You signed the paper that said you understood that you would be charged a monthly co-payment of (redacted) per month. What that means is that you are responsible for paying (redacted), and any amount over that the State is subsidizing.
This was explained to you when you signed up for the program, ma'am. Technically you did know then that it was going to cost (redacted) for the worker to clean your home, because we spelled it out for you. It costs X dollars per hour. No, you are not entitled to a refund because you didn't like the work that they did, because the government is subsidizing it. Well, if I'd known 15 years ago that I'd be talking to you right now, I would have chosen a different career path, and if "ifs" and "buts" were candies and nuts, we'd all have a Happy Hanukkah.
No, your co-payment is a fixed amount, it is not prorated. If the worker only came three times this month because you had a yoga lesson one week, it behooves you to reschedule the appointment instead of simply cancelling, because your co-pay is unaffected. I have a $30 co-payment for my doctor, whether I see him for an hour of 15 minutes, it's the same for you.
No, we don't provide "free" services. Somebody has to pay for it, and today is your day. I'm sorry that you interpreted the idea that "our organization will be handling your services" to mean "free." I'm also sorry that you think that you're entitled to thousands of dollars worth of services on the Government's dime. Yeah, I pay taxes too. Oh, please do call up the Attorney General. Tell Marcia I said hi, and that I'm not voting for her in November, for the same reason that I didn't support her run for the Senate four years ago.
What can we do to you if you don't pay? A couple of things... I can request to my supervisor that your services be terminated immediately. Oh, you need them? Sucks to be you. I could also send you to Collections, which, just between you and me, would benefit neither of us. I mean, the collections agency charges us half of whatever they manage to squeeze out of you, and ruins your credit in the meantime, provided that you haven't already filed for bankruptcy.
I could also add that since we're a non-profit, the only thing not paying your co-payment does is drive up the cost of service for everyone else when the state raises taxes, so if you can live with being that selfish, by all means continue doing what you're doing.
TL;DR version: Pay your damn bill and STFU.
2470756
chat eau? mes côtés!
Hi there. I just wanted to provide you with our free courtesy service today. We are reminding people to pay attention to their surroundings by allowing them to walk into my fist.
"I've tried snapping my fingers three times already, but I still can't manage to magically make cars appear."
2471048 To say they are mutually exclusive is to say that it is literally impossible for a person to both refuse to eat food that touched another kind of food and have Aspergers.
Don't believe me? Let's ask Merriam-Webster:
In the future, make sure the words and phrases you use actually mean what you think they mean
Oh, I couldn't deliver your pizza fast enough? I sincerely apologize that those nasty-wasty laws of physics have to apply themselves at a tedious rate just so we can get your germ infested lump of oil drenched dough with old cheese and, might I add, your piss poor taste in toppings to you at a temperature that won't kill you with slowly with dysentery while I laugh at your misery you impatient, gluttonous bitch.
Oh, you wanted exact change? I'm sorry but Pizza hut drivers are only allowed to carry exactly $20 in change for safety reasons. Oh you called my management and made a complaint? Oh you got me fired for following company policy? No, no that's all right sir, I'll just remember where you live, take pictures so I never forget how to break in there, wait about 2-3 years to come back so I can break into your house at 3 in the morning just to leave something disgusting in your fridge and pantry before the cops come and I'm already leaps and bounds away due to my planning of this petty crime for 3 years. Fuck you sir, you won't even be ready when the shit rolls downhill and into your freezer. I even kept the goddamn receipt for your little 12 dollar garlic pizzas you cheap fuck, just to keep the grudge going.
I may have a legitimate and respectable career now, but I'll never be over petty bullshit.
"Sure, yeah, I'll help you.
Never mind that you just pushed open the doors to the stock room and I almost ran you over with this pallet jack, upon which happens to be well over one hundred and fifty pounds of merchandise. Tell me, do you know how easy it is to stop something of that weight, even moving slowly?
No? Well, if you'll look behind me, you will clearly see that my foot is currently nearly being crushed because that was the only way to stop myself from barreling over you. Had I not stopped it, there is no doubt in my mind that I would have been hurt even worse. Likely less so than you, but that gives me little solace.
But never mind that, you said you wanted help? Lifting a few cases of soda into your cart? Well, they are only two dollars a piece right now, so I can't blame you.
Hold on, let me just tell my supervisor and co-workers - we are already understaffed by five, by the way - that I will be leaving the line to wander across the store, leaving this merchandise here - for safety reasons, you surely understand - and leaving them to pull, sort, and send out these three two thousand piece trucks without me.
You say you're having a party? Well golly gee, I hope it's a real hoot.
I also hope you drink too much and end up at the bottom of a river, but I never get what I want."
Know that if you ever enter a store's back room looking for help when it is readily available elsewhere, you will more than likely earn the ire of the entire stocking crew.
Re: someone saying I work for them
(Taken from the Dresden Files. I'm not clever enough to think of one for myself.
)
I've got a fun one that just about blew up in my face.
19 year old complains about me asking to see her ID.
"I'm legal, SEE!" Shoves her ID at me rudely, so I take my time double checking the security features (passive aggression is best aggression) I hand it back to her and she says.
"what took you so long?"
My response?
"Maybe I just wanted to memorize your address." Cue internal facepalm at my own stupidity... Thankfully her 6"6' bodybuilder of a boyfriend had a sense of humor.
Other fun ones include:
"Are you still arguing with me? I stopped paying attention after I told you where to go and how to get there."
"You know last time I had someone talk to me like that I was paying her $2 a minute."
"Go talk to him." Point at short tempered co-worker.
"Go talk to her." Point to police, wait until she drags the cop over and then when the officer asks me whats wrong then ask the officer to remove her from the property.
My absolute favorite?
Pissed off a lady by saying "no" she tries to get someone to bypass me and they say no. She storms by and flips me the double bird. I smile and call out with as much faked love possible, "I love you too sweetheart." She stopped, stuttered in rage and unable to find a gesture to escalate her 'displeasure' stomped away like a petulant 5 year old.
My co-worker almost died laughing.
Happened to a co-worker.
A lady wanted a pound of deli meat sliced shredded, so he complied. After he weighed it she looked at the price.
"I thought the price would be lower." She says.
My buddy is confused, she explains: "Well since it's shredded it won't weigh as much."
Lady, you wanted a POUND of meat and thought it would weigh LESS because it's shredded?! One pound will always equal one pound no matter how you slice it!
No sir, we don't have seatbelt extenders.Why? That's because this ride is designed for 5 year old children, not 300 pound men.
"Oh my god it's called a cart not a fucking buggy holy SHIT"