Late To The Punch, Once Again: Feature Box Special #02 · 3:34pm Sep 17th, 2014
So, I decided to bite the bullet and do another round of reviews. And why not? I mean, like I said last week, it's not like I have better things to do on Tuesdays. (Or Wednesdays, shut the fuck up, I was delayed again.) So let's have a look at today's featured lineup that I grabbed earlier.
As usual, the box looks as... "enticing" as ever. Ignoring the bottom three updated fics, we've got:
- A typical no-frills shipfic.
- A "what if?" scenario that awkwardly fumbles along.
- The obligatory "sexy cringe comedy because that's totally a funny thing now, lul" story.
- The continuing adventures of a saga with weird as hell names that just won't fucking stop.
- Boring oneshot "comedy".
- Pokemon crossover of some sort. (See: Instant Nope)
- Boring oneshot "comedy" 2: Bore Harder.
I could end my review there and call it a day, but, no. I've got a job to do, whether I like it or not. Take those, however, as just my initial impressions. I'll go into a bit more detail as I delve into these stories, one by one. And as usual, if the positions changed without my notice, well, too bad. What you see is what you get. So, without further ado, let's get on with the reviews...
Love is never easy, even for a royal alicorn princess. Especially when the love of her life is a former rival who refuses to return her feelings.
Fortunately she has friends to back her up and help her thaw her beloved magician's heart. Manehattan will never be the same.
So, here we have the garden-variety Twixie shipfic at first glance. It stands at around three chapters, so, there's enough to dig into, least. For a shipfic, it's really not all that terrible. Basically, in the story, Twilight has been harboring a crush on Trixie for quite some time, and eventually decides to voice her feelings. It's the typical setup, and all. The first chapter didn't actually impress me all that much, right up until the rejection at the very end, of course. The second chapter does better, shifting the scene to Manehatten and introducing Coco Pommel to the mix, who is actually written well here for a change. Third chapter contains little else but some exposition of past, canon events, along with a few extra scenes that serve to set the wheels for the ship in motion.
You think she would have seen that coming...
Now, I'm usually pretty leery of most shipfics, and I tend to set my standards quite high for them, but this one would probably get a pass from me; the prose is effective, it flows nicely, and though the pace of the first chapter was a bit wonky with all those scene breaks, it's a flaw I'm willing to overlook. The sudden crush that Twilight develops in the beginning feels a bit cliche, however, and it's not all that adequately explained, which made me a bit wary of how it would turn out. But, as it stands, it's a fairly solid shipfic, and I'd probably recommend it to those that enjoy the pairing.
Sombra never realized this would happen.
Usually a villain is suppose to be defeated, right?
So, why did he, well...win?
Even he was shocked to see the crystal heart in his hooves. Never in a thousand or so years did he think he would pull this off; that he would actually...win.
So, what will he do now? Just rule over everyone and enslave all of pony kind? Or Perhaps kill the princess and mind control that purple unicorn and her friends? Or maybe have some common sense and figure out just how he will deal with all of this in the long run? With all these questions, he knows one thing for sure.
This is going to be very awkward.
Here, kids, is what happens when someone tries to make a "what if" scenario into a joke: Showing how cringe-worthy the results would be.
The entire story is basically just, well... King Sombra takes the Crystal Heart, and the heroes basically fail. What would happen? Well, presumably, terrible things would happen. That... does not happen, here. Instead, he gapes like an idiot, acts somehow surprised that he won, and then doesn't even know what he was supposed to do after that point. This is tagged "Comedy", yes, but that's not just an excuse for the author to hand their characters the Idiot Ball and let them run around with it in a pit full of scissors. No. Just... no. This is not clever. This is not comedy. Making people act as incompetent fools in a story only works if said fools are likable and actually have a point. Right now, the fool (being Sombra) is just an idiot standing in for a potentially interesting and witty characterization.
The concept itself is also dubious right from the get-go; I sincerely doubt that Sombra would not plan ahead in the event that he got the Crystal Heart. I don't give a fuck if you think it's funny, because "durr hurr, the villains always lose, so if they win, they should be shocked and stuff!" or whatever, because it's just bad storytelling. Just because this is a comedy, doesn't mean that you have to sacrifice story. The story I just reviewed had a comedy tag as well, and I found it far more amusing than this. Why? Because the characters were genuine, and the humor was natural, not forced. It didn't make me laugh out loud, but at least it was good-natured and sensible. This, however, was not sensible. It's just a nearsighted, stupid attempt to appeal to the lowest common denominator. All we get is an idiot without personality, and a forced "what if" concept that feels awkward all around.
Also, meta humor. Seriously, knock it off. It's not funny.
He ignored that thought and concentrated on the task at hoof. His body had already reached his whole form, so now, he was no longer a black cloud with a face, but now it was that of a pony, but he didn’t care, the only thing he cared about was that “crystal~”
“I really need to stop doing that.” He thought. He never really knew why he said it like that, sure, he liked crystals, and they are the only thing that, not only gives him great power, but are also keeping him alive, but he doesn't have to say it like that, he even pronounces, “Slaves~” that way too. Did he like them too?
No, really. Stop it.
#5: The Mane 6 Visit a Strip Club
by Shardz
In celebration for Twilight's 25th birthday, Rainbow Dash convinces the girls that going to the local strip joint is a good idea. The Mane 6's initial reactions to the new environment and their encounters with everyday Ponyville folk lead to some very interesting conversations. Then they actually start "partaking" in the strip club's "activities". You know where this is going.
Don't blame me, it's your own damn curiosity.
Collaboration with Silverlinings.
Another story tagged comedy? AND it's rated Mature, with the Sex tag? Oh Featured Box, you really shouldn't have...
Anyway, fuck this story. No, really, fuck it. Why? It's stupid. It appeals even LOWER on the spectrum than the one I reviewed above does. It's just a series of awkward, raunchy shenanigans with no plot nor purpose. "It's Twilight's birthday! Let's go to a strip club!" ...is literally all that happens. Really, there's just... nothing here. I feel tired even bothering to review this. I know that I'm reviewing all the box stories, but... why? Fucking why? This is why I can't take shit on the box seriously anymore. This would never have gotten featured if it wasn't for the fact that it has "STRIP CLUB" and "SEX" painted all over the front of it. It's sad, because that's what the box deems to be worthy. Do I blame it? No, it's just a fucking machine, it does what it's told to do. It was told by the general consensus of all the viewers on FiMFiction that this pile of filth was worthy of being front-page featured material.
Also, what the fuck is this?
Dash shuddered, but continued on, determined to find Pinkie and get some answers, or a bed to crash on. Whichever came softer (I, Silverlinings, realize I could've phrased that better, butt fuck it!).
Fucking-- seriously? You seriously left that author's note in there? And for the sake of a shitty pun for an even worse joke? Oh my god, I just can't.
On a more technical issue with the story itself, I will at least say that the spacing is a bit fucked up pretty noticeably in some places. And I noticed some a few glaring spelling and grammar errors, as well. That's about it, apart from the awful and cringe-worthy content. What else do you want me to say? I'm wasting my breath, here. Don't waste your time, alright? Don't even spit on it; that's probably its fetish, or something.
#4: Yaerfaerda
by Imploding Colon
Rainbow Dash and the Noble Jury continue to fly east.
Ah, fuck. Here comes a big one. Imploding Colon's epic that has surely circumvented the world at least twice by now returns to haunt and hog the Featured Box once again, with yet another entry in a series that is only about half-done... Wow. I'll give the guy one thing, he sure has dedication. I still haven't even read half of Austraeoh yet, so... I really don't feel qualified to review this, not knowing what the fuck's going on or who these people are. So... I suppose I'll just review on the story's own merits so far, then.
Well, as far as his writing style goes, it's pretty flowery. Which isn't a bad thing, really; he does a good job explaining detail, action, and I will admit, even not having read the other stories, the beginning actually drew me in quite a bit until the Jury showed up to make a mess of things, and I lost track of who all these new characters even were. I suppose all I can say is... it's good, from what I can tell. I've not caught up on the full saga yet, so I can't comment on the development between stories, but hey. Sue me. I don't have time to read fucklong stories like this. But it's an adventure series that actually manages to be interesting and well-written, so, that has that going for it. Check it out, if you will.
...Seriously, how far east do they go? The pony world is fucking massive.
Our six heroes decide to settle down for the night with a few bottles of their choice beverage and a few hands of poker.
The night was going so well until Rarity decided to wager her virginity.
Now she's desperate to get it back.
Ah, more "comedy". Lovely. At least it's not all that bad. I thought it was just a oneshot at first, but, that "Incomplete" tag suggests otherwise. Basically, Rarity bids her virginity on a poker game after having it notarized by Twilight -- it's "comedy", we're not supposed to question it -- and then promptly loses it. It's a funny allegory I suppose, but it feels a bit lackluster in terms of execution. The prose and writing is fine, but it feels... well, as if there could be something more. I do know it's still incomplete, which does reassure me in the fact that we'll likely see more development and closure, but even THAT feels as if it could end predictably: Rarity will likely try and get her "virginity" back as best as she can, and I expect there to be awkward questions asked and explanations to be had as well, all for the sake of "comedy". It's pretty clear what's going to likely happen from this point on, but, hey, I'd welcome any twist if the author's packin' em.
Oh well. At least it doesn't have Rarity constantly saying "darling" all the time. I checked, too. She only says it twice, in the whole story. Take note, fellow writers. There's something to be learned here, after all.
You know who you are.
#2: Absolution 2
by ed2481
Applejack thought she was done with Pokemon. Heck, she wished that she was done with Pokemon. After her encounter with Cres the Absol three months ago she thought she would never have to hear the word ‘Pokemon’ ever again aside from Twilight’s new obsession with them. Unfortunately, as everyone knows, things rarely turn out how we’d like them.
Cres thought he’d never have to hear the word ‘Pony’ again outside of Ponyta. Three years have passed since Cres returned from Equestria to be with the one he loves most of all. In that time, he’s grown increasingly confident in both himself, and the life he’s picked. However, when a certain orange mare shows up inside of a Pokeball he begins to question whether or not he can ever catch a break.
Ohoho. It's the stories like this that flip on my internal predator switch: Pokemon crossovers.
With me, lynching season is year-round.
I pretty much despise most crossovers, but I especially hate the ones that make no sense, and the ones that are inexplicably popular despite being riddled with flaws. A New World, A New Way pretty much killed the appeal of Pokemon crossovers, so any story that dares to stick "Pokemon" in the description has a LOT to make up for. Let's have a look at the damage, shall we? Right off the bat, we see that this is a sequel to Absolution. And... the only obvious way to title the sequel was to call it Absolution 2 Electric Scootaloo? Could the writer NOT have thought of something more creative, at least? That's just being lazy, and already, that's a strike against it.
Well... what can I say about it, really? It's a crossover. Except, instead of an Absol ending up in Equestria, it's Applejack ending up in the Pokemon world; Sinnoh, to be more specific. And holy fuck, could it really be any more contrived? Applejack wakes up in the beginning, with pretty much zero explanation, and then is instantly caught like a common Pokemon. Somehow. I don't know why, but the idea of that somewhat bothers me, and I can't shake off how ill it makes me feel. But, that's just personal taste getting in the way, I guess.
Lemme ask something else, though... Who the fuck are these people, and why the fuck should we care? Roxanne and Matt, but especially Matt. Oh, wait, I'm sorry; CHAMPION Matt. Right. Well. Where did THEY come from? We barely get any info on them, aside from the fact that Matt can understand Pokemon language fluently, but conveniently can't seem to understand what Applejack is saying. (What IS she speaking in, then? Whinnies? Incessant cries of "App, Applejack?" Japanese? We never know.) And... he has a silver-maned Rapidash, too. A Rapidash, with silver flames for a mane. Because fuck it, we need to make this guy and his crew cool, amirite? Ugh. This character is a blatant Stu by Pokemon fic standards, and completely out of place by ponyfic standards. That alone kills the appeal for me. And it doesn't help that people and Pokemon combined in this story are either ignorant idiots or unlikable twats, either. I've never read the previous story, so I have no idea what the fuck happened before this story, and I don't care to find out. It's just another stupid crossover that only serves to deepen the hole that Pokemon has dug itself into on this site.
#1: Warmongering
by BronyWriter
A Diamond Dog king, feeling bold after gathering an army of 100,000 dogs, decides the best way to flex his new muscles would be to invade Equestria for past perceived slights. As such, he sends a letter to Princess Celestia with a declaration of war.
It goes about as well as you'd expect.
Another comedy. Oh, joy. Why do you people have such narrow-minded tastes, apart from comedy and clop? I swear, aside from that incest fic a little while ago, there hasn't been a decent dark or unsettling story in there for ages... Hell, even a quaint, innocent slice-of-life wouldn't hurt, either...
But, anyway. This story feels... well, if I had to pick a few words, I would say, "clever, but predictable". I did enjoy the wordplay and the polite superiority clashing with the obvious stupidity and brashness, and it made the ending line quite satisfying, but I didn't actually laugh. Hell, I barely cracked a smile. I saw what was happening almost right away, and I knew it would end badly for the king, so nothing surprised me. I was just a bit underwhelmed, really; it got a little boring, once I realized what the joke was. And even then, the joke wasn't all that funny. It was, at best, clever. Does that account for a good story? Not always. I'd hardly call this a story, really; it's just a discussion between nations distilled to the point where it almost feels like a parody of how badly the privileged nations would curb-stomp the smaller, lesser nations under their steel-toed boots. (How's that for Unfortunate Implications, huh?)
It's certainly not horrible, but it feels rather bland; it's supposed to be a "comedy", but it doesn't really TRY to be one, if that makes any sense. It's played perfectly straight, apart from Celestia and the king's back and forth responses, with the king expressing obvious frustration and anger and Celestia maintaining a calm, polite, yet manipulative diligence. It felt more like behind the scenes political drama, but with a vaguely amusing turn on it. To be honest, I expected a bit more from the same guy that wrote Secret Life of Rarity. But, hey, we can't win them all, right? I'm not about to pry his head off for writing a less-than-stellar story, or anything. And believe me, you could do a LOT worse on this site than this, as you've already seen so far in these reviews...
And so wraps up another round of reviews. Having stayed up all night, I am tired as fuck. But, hey, there ya go. I'll be tackling next week's fics as well, because clearly I haven't taken enough punishment already at this point, right?
It goes on and on, my friends...
~Blinkie
Meh Pokemon is sick because it's the story of kids ENSLAVING sentient creatures and forcing them to FIGHT into arenas just to show how big their dicks is ( yes, even the girls love to compare the size of their dicks here ). Seriously, these kids should be at school instead of on the roads talking to randoms strangers.
And so the pokemon fad died and was resurrected once again. Oh ye gods of little mercy, why! WHY?!
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It can't die. It just faints and refuses to battle for a bit.
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IT USED A FUCKING MAX REVIVE!
2462187
Don't forget that it has two full restores too.
Those actually exist in-universe, but they're rare as hell and hard to raise to perfection. why must these crossovers give my favorite game a bad name...;~;
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You must be new here.
Imploding Colon is shortskirtsandexplosions.
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>implying I don't already know that
>not recognizing a smarmy remark
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>actually making greentext green
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>not making greentext green
>Not accepting the glorious redtext, either.
>using an emoticon to convey feelings and/or reactions
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>implying implications
2577525
>implying that was the best remark you could come up with
>implying my implications are implicating something
2577528
Wow, rude.
SO RUDE
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Weren't you the one who arrived here first, and assumed I didn't know who Colon actually is?
And yet you call ME rude.
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I feel like somewhere along the line, you thought I was being serious here.
I'm not sure when, nor am I sure how.
In any event
RUDE
SO RUDE
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>implying I even thought you were being serious
>implying that I was being just as serious, at all
Sir, you wound me.
(I am offended, you flustered my jimbobs, you've triggered my triggers, dirty rotten kids, patriarchal cis-gendered scum, et al.)