But For Me, It Was Tuesday: Feature Box Special · 8:27pm Sep 10th, 2014
Just a little note: Yes, this review was delayed quite a bit, due to computer issues. I didn't want to wait until next Tuesday and redo it, and I didn't feel like editing this to include the other stories that got into featured at the time I started, so, fuck that shit. I'm posting it a day late anyway. Deal with it.
So, Bob's done it, and JohnPerry's been doing it, but I might as well give it a fling, too. I mean, why the hell not? It's not like I've got better ways to spend Tuesdays. Or... any day, really. And since you all seem to love it when I rant so much, I doubt you'd care either way. Yep, today I'm tackling the featured box. And we've quite the line up today, it seems...
Oh, goddammit. I swear, The Chase spends more time in that box than out of it, nowadays. Pretty much any story that's big or long-running enough is almost guaranteed to get in those update slots. And the author being a complete, self-entitled twat doesn't really help matters. But, enough of my bitching (for now), since there are bigger things to deal with. The box operates on a strange sort of math, one that people have wasted their days and lives trying to study. The top seven slots are for newer stories posted within the last few days or so, while the bottom three slots are for older stories that have recently receieved an update.
Like what Bob did, I'm just going to leave those bottom three alone (and thank fuck for that; there's no way I'm sitting through THAT story in a day), and give the other seven a look over. So, yeah, these are going to be "flash reviews" of a sort, since I'm sure I could write entire blogs on just one story alone. And I'm only going to review them in the order that are when I took that screengrab, which was around two o'clock in this time zone, so... yeah. If the positions changed, then fuck you, I'm not doing them.
With all that said, let's get on with the reviews...
After the events of Twilight's Kingdom, vegetation across Ponyville has been thrown into disarray thanks to Twilight's new unintentional death castle. But while some plants have been sucked dry, others have flourished, such as the infamous Poison Joke.
Enter Big Mac; a stallion of few words whose about to get a few dozen more whether he, or anypony else, likes it or not.
*Popular Stories List 9/7/2014**Featured 9/7/2014!*
I'LL FIX UP THE TENSES BY FRIDAY, I PROMISE!
Another author that lists the popular box AND the feature box as an achievement? Oye vey. I understand being proud and excited that your work is getting renown and all, but... really? The popular box is not a real achievement. You can get into that box and it wouldn't even mean a damn thing. Same goes for featured. Authors, please, don't do this shit. The description isn't your fucking trophy case, for shit's sake. Oh well, at least he didn't put it right at the top of the description...
Anyway, the story itself is... okay, I suppose. The author noted that there are tense problems that needed to be fixed, and holy fuck, are there ever. A majority of it is present-tense, but there are past-tense usages scattered about as well. I can't tell what's supposed to be the preferred tense here, but... fuck. It's awkward to read. So long as I'm gonna be nitpicking as well, there's also some more minor technical errors and such, like the odd bit of missed punctuation, and the prose - while reasonably effective - feels somewhat wooden. The characters seemed... reasonably in-character enough, and the overall concept had the potential to be somewhat interesting. It feels a little half-baked in its execution however. I can't really form a solid opinion of this one just yet, but it feels like something I'd normally just pass over, myself. Clean up the tense, tighten up the prose, and maybe fix a few other things...
“... Next time?” asks Twilight. “What’s next time, Pinkie? When’s next time?”
The party pony sits on her haunches and shrugs. “Dunno. Could be now, in a few minutes, next week, next month; it all really depends on the author’s available time which, if his/her past update schedule is any indication, isn’t that flexible or reliable. You’ll be lucky to hear the story at all!”
...Oh, fuck off. What the fuck is with all the fourth-wall humor that people always write when Pinkie is involved? It's NOT funny. Seriously, this might actually be what annoyed me the most, apart from the tense issues. That fucking joke. Author, you are not being clever, here. This is as cliche as it gets when you write Pinkie. It just makes her characterization in this story seem like the worst overall, and you almost lost me right then and there with that dumb meta joke. This is supposed to be a comedy, right? Because I'm not laughing. Hell, I hardly found any part of this story any more than mildly amusing. Big Mac spilling everything he thought has great humor potential, sure, but it isn't being used to good effect, here. It's just cheap insults and put-downs, and all it's doing nothing but making those affected feel bad. Are we supposed to laugh at that? Really, are we? Ugh, fuck it. It's a decent enough concept I suppose, but I'm not sold on what I see so far. Could be worse, but could be better. Way better...
A few years after Twilight and Celestia's marriage, they begin to worry that their obligations to the job are interfering with their obligations to each other. So they decide to take a break. A few spells and perfectly legal papers later, and they are ready to start their lives as Sunny Skies and Dusky Sparks, just your average, everyday, married couple living and working in a suburb of Manehatten.
(Non chronological story, with many chapters based on prompts for the Twilestia Group Collab.)
Rated T for Tantalizing.
Twilestia? Oh, lord, smite me where I now stand.
But in all seriousness, there's not much to this one, really. To its credit, it's not written all that badly. This is not much more than just a series of quick "snapshots" of a life away from life. I don't believe in this ship very much (nor do I subscribe to TwiLuna), but it's alright for those that do. It is written almost painfully short, and the face that the paragraphs aren't space apart make it a little hard to read for me at times. For those looking for a story with quick, but considerably small substance, then I suppose this is alright. I've not much to say on this one, really. So... apologies to those expecting me to rip into it. I mean, there's just not a lot here for me to work with.
...Well, I suppose I would question exactly how wise it would be for Celestia to disappear for several years to live alone with Twilight, if nothing else. Is that really so simple? It feels a little too idyllic and contrived to me. Maybe I'm being picky, but sue me, I never got to where I am now by not.
#5: Tastes Like Chaos!
by Wing Dancer
Cosmic balance is a fickle thing. Sometimes, creatures like Luna and Celestia can work as independent agents of Harmony, at least one of them present assured the element's presence in the world.
But what of Discord and Chaos? What happens when the master of the matter is sucked dry of his power, no longer worthy to represent it?
Simple. A foal is born.
It's alright, I guess.
...
...Alright, fine, I'll say a little more than just that. It's a story about a little spawn of Chaos that bears a striking resemblance to Discord, with a name that's only a few letters off of his. It's probably the best-written fic I've seen in the box so far, though; the characters are appropriately portrayed, the prose holds up well, and I will admit, it gives off a "cute" vibe. Discord was also written pretty well in this story, too. Nothing extensively negative or positive jumped out at me, but, it's a nice read if you're in the mood for a cute, somewhat amusing distraction.
It's a little early to tell where the story will go from here, and I'm not sure if I'm entirely comfortable with this child just appearing out of nowhere and already capable of using chaos powers and showing capacity for (somewhat) rational thought, but it's got a good deal of potential. Might be one worth keeping an eye on, if nothing else. But I'm not the kind of person that "gets hype" or anything, so, I'm gonna hold back from judging this in the positive so swiftly.
#4: Letting Go
by Kyronea
When the time came to sacrifice their lives, Twilight and her friends did so without hesitation. It was an easy choice to make.
But they found it so much harder to say goodbye. So much harder to let go.
Oh, look. A "sad" story. I find it's really hard to pull these off properly, so, this could either be great... or really terrible. After reading it over, I really only have one thing to say, honestly...
Meh.
It's emotionally-manipulative, follows every sadfic formula and cliche there is, and it serves little point. To its credit, the story is technically well-written. But apart from that, it is contrived and boring. The story follows through with the mane six making this big sacrifice, and then one-by-one saying their goodbyes, each of which seem to drag on forever... Jeez, they're really squeezing the Feels Fruit as tight as they can, aren't they? It's almost cripplingly obvious that this story is meant to evoke feelings, but not because it's legitimately emotional. No, it's just manipulative, like so many others. And while it might work on those of softer hearts, it doesn't speak with a pure and true message. What's this supposed to teach us? Sacrifice is important? Cherish what you have before it's gone? People eventually die? (As if we, as teens and adults, don't already know this.) Okay, sure... but, what was the point of everything else, then? I don't recall there being a moral to be gleaned from saying goodbye and then floating off to go and die.
...Wait, no; letting go? THAT'S the moral? Well, joy, what better way to tell that than by having the character die and then draw out a cringe-inducing "farewell" scene! Hell, Frozen got that message across better than this story, and it wasn't even the overarching moral of the story, for Christ's sake...
Let's face it, you were expecting this. This story's badness has driven me this far, people.
I'd have liked this better if they had just stuck to the sacrifice scene, and maybe drawn that part out a little bit instead. Instead, what we get is feels-bait involving every trope and cliche of the "sad" genre there is. The tearful reunions, coming to terms, explanations, and so forth. Every bit of it seems dedicated to trying to get you to cry. This might seem entirely subjective to you, and while it is, one must also recognize that it's not so much about the sadness itself, as it is about the struggles of the characters feeling sad. This is pretty much just a death, a series of corny farewells, and an afterlife-reunion-with-some-pretext-of-a-"happy"-ending bullshit. It is competently written, but the story itself leaves me very unsatisfied. There's not tact nor subtlety, and where a gentle touch was required, it pretty much just got the hammer. So, no yay from me on this one.
#3: Mi Casa Es Su Casa
by Akumokagetsu
OR 'A Tentacle Porn Comedy, WithoutThe Porn'.
Fluttershy's quiet little home becomes a little bit fuller with the addition of a nookie-obsessed changeling and a demonically possessed alternate version of herself hellbent on universal domination.
Her house anything but 'quiet' anymore, that's for sure.
This is actually the shortest fic in the box, but, with a writer like Aku, that's no huge surprise. Enough views and upvotes, and it'll hit featured with no problems... But, anyway, the story itself isn't anything extraordinary. At least, not currently; there's really not a lot to work with from what I see so far. It's pretty much just "Fluttershy at home, horny changeling enters home, objects are thrown by Fluttershy at said horny changeling". It's decently well-written despite the overall strangeness, and the Hobbit reference at the beginning was a nice touch, but nothing about it really surprises or interests me. Aku's fics have always been a mixed bag for me, so only time will tell if this will turn out to be anything decent or not. The concept does not fully inspire confidence, however. Then again, it's just a simple comedy, and there's apparently not going to be any porn in it, so... that's... good? I don't fucking know. Is it a good story as it is? In my opinion, no; it's short, and nothing really happens. Then again, this is only the beginning, so perhaps we'll simply have to wait and see.
Flash Sentry has a breakdown upon realizing that the last two girls he found attractive were actually transformed ponies, and begins questioning his sexuality.
Well, won't this be fun. Not only is it a story starring good ol' Waifu Thief #1, it's written by the author of the Winningverse, too. This can only lead to good things, amirite? Considering how badly he handled that 'verse to begin with, I'm not entirely confident in his skills. Fortunately, this story isn't handled that badly, though it mostly failed to get a chuckle out of me. Mostly due to Flash's stupidity and generally nonchalant behavior. It feels as if there's not real conflict or substance, here. It's basically just "Oh, I think I like horse-women", then he goes to talk to others about his suspicions about liking horse-women, and then at the end comes to conclusion that "Oh, I guess I like horse-women after all", with Status Quo being enforced in full force by the end. Like... that's it. That's the story. We're treated to a few "Flash"blacks (obvious joke is obvious) of Flash's prior engagements with Sunset and Lyra. Yes, Lyra. And yes, the obvious (albeit appropriately reversed) joke and cliche is used here. Ugh...
This would neatly encapsulate my feelings toward most ponyfic on the site in general, really.
There's pretty much no conflict or anything else engaging going on. Most of the jokes fell flat for me (I could count on one hand the number of times this story got me to genuinely chuckle), and there was really no substance here. It just felt... empty. Awkward. Unsatisfying. Nothing to write home about, in any case. It's merely... okay. That's really all I can say about it... I mean, I'm expected to say more than a few words about something as dry as this? You people must be insane. But, I suppose if you want a few pointless chuckles with little consequence besides wasted time, then I suppose it's worth a read. It's entirely forgettable, however, and there's nothing to be taken from it.
#1: The Treble With Siblings
by TittySparkles
Long Play and Vinyl Scratch are the greatest of siblings. Most of their life they stuck by each other and were nearly inseparable. Always doing everything from playing video games to secretly smoking a bit of weed without their parents knowing, both of them got along great. Even as they aged and became adults, their relationship never dwindled and they visited each other every weekend when they could.
Of course when ponies age, questions you never thought about start to come up in your mind and when Vinyl Scratch grows curious to why her older brother never has any mares around, she learns a surprising fact. Long Play is still a virgin and Vinyl Scratch quickly decides to remedy that.
Contains: Incest
Edited and preread by: Skeeter The Lurker, SolidFire, Mikemeiers, and MrMorpheas
And sure enough, the top three slots are taken by some of the bigger names on FiMFiction. Not a big shocker, I suppose. But does that make these stories good? Well, in this sort of case, that only really comes down to personal preference. TittySparkles' stuff is pretty much just clop, and she writes quite a bit of it, so... well, what more is there to say? This is pretty much the usual Titty-style clopfic, and this one (like a number of others) features incest. Yeah, I know this is a taboo thing to dance around sometimes, but I personally don't care about trivial things like that. Is the story itself good? That's what I care about.
Well, for a clopfic, I suppose you could say it is. Titty's writing always tends to be of the higher echelons of quality, and though sometimes she misses the mark rather than hitting it, I'd say it hits fairly well here. It's competently-written, the build-up is fine, and the prose is well-enough that it doesn't come across as too boring or clinical. The interaction between Vinyl and her brother is believable, and dare I say it, even cute. Maybe "cute" is the word most people would want to use, but I'd probably use a word like "charming" instead. I'm not a fan of clopfics, because I don't read clopfics, but I can somewhat appreciate the attempt at making the interactions between these two actually mean something, a little. I mean, it's still not much more than a clop scene with a few nice bits of character interaction thrown in, but it's decent enough from what it is. I'd much rather have a longer and more developed story with these two, and maybe a bit more show and less tell in regards to backstory and such, but hey, we can't all have what we want.
It's not making me a believer in them anytime soon, but, hey. If clop is your thing, and you don't mind incest, then go ahead and check it out.
Well, that's all the torment I'm putting myself through, for now. The box was, as usual, filled with a generous helping of mostly mediocre slop, with only a couple of fics actually being worth reading. Nothing really amazes me, however. As per usual, I suppose; I've read far more interesting fics that come in through the new stories list in the last two weeks than what I've seen in the featured box overall for the last two months.
Will I do another set of reviews like this? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't really care, honestly. There's certainly no shortage of featured stories to review...
~Blinkie
Welcome to the pain, time to get some gain, and let the featured box deliver some... uh... drain?
...
Oh wow, this is awkward.
NICE JOB, FELLOW MASOCHIST!
I rarely read stories that are in the featured box, most of them are ridiculous and are aimed toward the lowest common denominator. If it's not clop, it's a crossover. If it's a crossover, it's with Halo, Mass Effect, Grand Theft Auto, Fallout or Minecraft.
As for kudzuhaiku... I tend to ignore most of what he says. Despite his social shortcomings, he's a hell of an author. One of his readers stated that he was a dick for the entire Shetland arc and wished it never happened. It's these kind of people I have a strong disdain for. In my opinion, readers who think a story is theirs and don't want "their" story to go into another direction and bash the author about it are worse than people who downvote and not explain why.
I don't want to get into an internet pissing match over who is better or worse, I just want to read and enjoy a story.
By the way, how do you feel about an author giving another one of their stories that was featured?