Saturday Night Featured #2: Not As Good As The Original But Still Pretty Bad · 1:56am Sep 7th, 2014
Oh Jesus. Oh sweet baby Jesus, I'm still gonna do this. I tried to convince myself otherwise, but the call of the site, much like a bloated whale corpse just about to burst from the build up of gases from the rotting flesh within, calls me back. And in the end, it still stinks like a motherfucker.
This is Bobby Bob Bobster, and this is Saturday Night Live Dead Featured! And get ready for the box of glory to cover us in its glorious delight!
WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE AND MILD DRUNKEN SHENANIGANS SHALL BE AT HAND!
I'm not angry, I'm just prepping my body up for fimfic.
Let's not dawdle and then regret it later. It's a Saturday night, there's the featured box, there's me, and then there's you, the poor bastards about to read this. Oh, but we're forgetting something. Oh yes, from the bottom, #7!
An Apple Far From the Tree by Autum Breeze
Sam Wilson was a normal guy. He had a normal life, with a normal family, normal job, normal everything.
Yes, he was a brony, yes he enjoyed reading fanfictions, including ones where humans got sent to Equestria, sometimes turning into ponies in the process.
Yet, his normal-great life would not last forever. It all started when— *record screeching sound*
"Yo, Pinkie! Quit being a third-person view narrator! This is mah life story and Ah'll thank you to let me narrate it, thank you very much."
Okie dokie lokie!
*Ahem*
Anyway, as Ah was meant to be saying, It all started when Ah woke up as Apple Bloom.
As me an' my family struggle to understand what's going on, Ah find myself somehow in Equestria and what's worse, there's already an Apple Bloom here! How am Ah possibly gonna get outta this?! Why ME?
Okay, first off, does anyone else notice the author spelled his own name wrong? Like, I can't be the only one who can see this. And is annoyed by this. Well, this can only mean good things for the rest of the story. A story with part of the text in color (go to the story itself to see how annoying it is). A story that's not only an HiE, but the human is a brony. A brony who reads fanfics. A story where Pinkie breaks the fourth-fucking-wall right in the description. THE FUCKING DESCRIPTION! Oh, but wait, there's MORE!
Note: I made the cover image with an Aj, Ab and background image i found on google and used microsoft powerpoint and paint to put them together and edit a little.
this is a fic i was inspired to write after reading Becoming Sweetie Belle by Sparknanator.
Now, your first thoughts are probably going to be, this is basically the same story, but with Apple Bloom instead of Sweetie Belle.
well, while that is slightly true, i am going to be doing my best to make this as different from Becoming Sweetie Belle as I can, for I do not want to be seen as a plagiarist, for that is not my intention.
It's based off ANOTHER story! A story, I might add, that needs an editor more than college student needs condoms and toilet paper (more on the toilet paper side to be honest). Now, I won't rip on that fic because thankfully it ain't in the featured box, this sure as hell is. And boy, OH FUCKING BOY, does this make me eager to dig into the rest. It's JUST the fucking phone call I need tonight.
I know how you feel, Squidward...
Okay, let's go through a checklist for bad HiE's. Uninteresting human? Slap a check on it. An intro that makes us despise him to no end? Punch a check on it. Turning into a pony with no explanation whatsoever? Kick a check on it. And how about bad grammar where the author mistakes certain words, misspells others, and doesn't know what a goddamn comma is? CHECK UP THE FUCKING ASS! Past that, the author does do something what could be considered actually original. He brings the entire family in for the hellish ride. Only only the author turns into a pony, and stays in the human world. And thank fucking god he turned into Apple Bloom and managed to spell her name fucking right. There ARE small miracles after all. But past that and... well, to be honest, I have no fucking clue how this got approved. I mean, it MIGHT be pony enough, but that pony is Apple Bloom who isn't even Apple Bloom because the fucking character is her. I mean, it says in the description he later goes to Equestria, but as it is I really have to clue how this classifies as containing enough pony to stand as its own to be approved. Also, yadda yadda yadda, the entire family doesn't immediately call the police or scientists or anything sensible when the dude turns into a talking pony, blah blah blah, being Apple Bloom ain't no big thang to the guy (even though if something like this ACTUALLY happened someone would be FREAKING the FUCK out), and to cut to the chase, this story needs an editing job and a reason to exist on the site other than the guy turning into a pony. Hell, that's why the Five Score stories were banned if they didn't have 30k words because they just weren't pony enough. The ONLY thing pony enough to justify this fic past the Apple Bloom part is the fact he keeps on referring to that fucking Sweetie Bell story. Which, I might add, MAKES THE STORY WORSE! Thanks for reminding me how bad this story is by constantly referencing another story, which is fucking the meta rule so much that you practically impregnated it. Congratulations, you gotta pay child support.
Now time for the bad times to continue with #6!
Seven Nights at Sugarcube Corner by TheSillyAnon
Suffering to pay back a recent gambling debt, Caramel has no other choice but to find a job within the next week to pay back what he owe. Of course, a stroke of luck has hit him as soon as word comes out that Sugarcube Corner has a job opening available for the night shift that pays 120 bits every night. And with the signing of a few papers and the handing down of a pretty swanky uniform, Caramel is set to go.
...Unfortunately, his employer didn't managed to give him all of the details on why he was needed for that particular week.
Story is first person POV
Oh joy, a clopfic. Oh joy, a Friday Night at Freddy's crossover. Wait, no, it gets better!
WARNING: This story will have a few unusual fetishes such as food-play, voyeur, squirting, pegging, bondage, prostate orgasms, scenes that require a minimal amount of brain bleach and of course non-consensual sex. Also including an unusual easter-egg that likes to partake in the action every once in a while.
It has every fetish on the list including non-consensual sex rape! Fan-fucking-tastic!
Burn it to the ground, folks, burn it to the ground!
I can tell you right now I would never have read this thing if it wasn't for this blog. I don't like Five Nights at Freddy's as a game. It isn't at all scary or very interesting. It just pissed me off and made me not to play. Likewise for the crossovers based off of it. And boy, lemme tell ya, this author doesn't hold back in the how bad could you possibly make a crossover department. For one thing, there ain't no clop in the first chapter. I'm not sure whether to count this as a blessing or even further a reason to hate it since it entices readers with a promise of sex scenes but doesn't deliver, EVEN THOUGH IT HAS THE SEX AND MATURE TAGS! If you're gonna tag something that, don't upload anything that doesn't have it. Make a second fucking chapter that DOES deserve the sex and mature tag. And to make matters worst, the dude basically copy/pasted the transcript of the first call of the game and edited it to be pony. For christ's sake, at least make an attempt at more originality than that. Oh, but the author doesn't. Not one FUCKING bit. Instead, the mane six are sex-crazed meatbags who abandoned what little semblance of character they have just for horsecock. Also, they're in heat. Fuuuuuuuck that! The rest of the fic is broken up into small bits where the main character (poor, poor Caramel) looks through his cameras at where Pinkie it. The story attempts comedy here, if said comedy wasn't lathered over a bad story cake with an awful premise filling. Also, he made Pinkie's lines pink, then made them regular later on. STICK TO ONE OF THEM IF YOU'RE GONNA BE THAT AWFUL! Overall, bad premise for the sake of clop, a story whoring it because Five Nights at Freddy's is the latest fadfic (the author says it's a parody but HAHAHAHA—no, it's still awful), and once again, I still don't get why this game is so appealing. But at least this story is decently edited and doesn't use the romance tag. So... yeah, no, it's still awful. Let's see how #5 goes!
Seven minutes in heaven by Boomstick Mick
Silver Spoon spins the bottle and becomes rather distraught when it lands on Button Mash instead of — well — anypony else...
I don't like Button Mash. I mean, I LOVED him in his fan animation video, because there he was hilarious and a sweet kid. In fanfics, if he isn't fucking his mom, he's being the most annoying character ever written. And that, my fair children, is how a fanfiction site ruins a character. Now, I'll still read/write stories about him, but there's still a big chip on my shoulder that just prevents me from fully liking his character, Hopefully this story can change that.
Here you can see the tumor of cynicism in my frontal lobe growing larger...
Okay, bottom line. It's okay. Thankfully, most of the characters are actually in character, and the story got a chuckle or two outta me. Short chapter, but leaves off at a well enough cliffhanger to keep me interested. And hey, Silver Spoon ain't half a bad a narrator. Now, the beginning is still a bit of a info-dump and could be cleaned up a bit, and there's a bit of a capitalization problem, but overall no glaring problems that take away from the read. Button Mash isn't too annoying or offbeat, which is a blessing, and this author spelled Apple Bloom's name correctly (you won't believe how much of a pet peeve this is for me). In the end, it's a comedy without the romance in the first chapter, probably promise of more of it in the next. I may just stick around to see it. And before my good mood can make me too hopeful, let's jump ship to #4!
A pair of princesses and a pair of humans get a stupid idea.
A Sir Hat fanfic. With humans. Why am I not fucking surprised...
You and me both, Judy, you and me both.
Much like regular jousting, this fic is fast. It's pacing is fucked to high hell. It just doesn't slow down to actually enjoy anything. From beginning to end, I finished the story in less than five minutes, and instantly wished for those five minutes back. Also, much like most other Sir Hat fics, the human is uninteresting, a huge douchebag, and cusses more than... well, I don't have a good metaphor there, because that's just how much more the human cusses. Also, there feels like there's a huge backstory I'm missing here. Probably because the story IS JUST THAT FUCKING SHORT. Seriously, author, put some meat on dem bones if you're happening for a published fic. Give SOMETHING for the reader to look forward to. SOMETHING that makes the comedy worthwhile other than the fact it's hella rushed and done so quick there was nothing left to enjoy. Also, if you're gonna have a human character, give us a reason to like him other than a crude "riding" joke on Celestia.
Might get a funny sequel if this goes well.
I swear to god if that sequel gets featured next Saturday I will fucking cut you. Now for #3!
On A Friday by ScousePone
When Pound Cake gets upset because he has nothing to do on a Friday night, Pinkie Pie helps lift his spirits by spending some alone time with him. NOTE: CHARACTERS ARE AGED UP
Somehow that note the characters are aged up doesn't make me feel any better about the story. Also, thank fucking god, it ain't another Five Nights at Freddy's crossover. Bad news is that it's an anthro clopfic. And an extremely obvious cropped out cover art. Eh...
If only I could be so splendidly indifferent.
This fic is... okay. Really, that's about it. I give the author the benefit of taking the PinkiexPound relationship farther than I expected and fleshing it out more (even though I still find it creepy) along with actually having the fic get a decent editing job. The take-aways from this is that the prose is hella dry and needs a boost to not have it sink, the sexual scenes could use more flowery language so that it doesn't appear so mechanical and robotic, there's more awkward phrasing in there that I'm comfortable with. The clop in particularly was almost bare-bones minimal and could the benefit of more details or heck, even some additional scenes. At its core the fic is okay, but it could be taken much further to be good, perhaps even great. Kinda down about the lost potential, but I'm glad it isn't too terrible. So, in the end, this doesn't make me pissed off like most other anthro clop in the box of shame, but boy could it use a tune up. Hoping for something bright in this dark, dark world is #2!
Even after many years... his love for her never faded... The one, who held a special place in his heart. Well, no more waiting! No more hoping! He was going to find her, and damn anypony to Tartarus that would try to stop him.
Oh thank god, something good! I hope. Truthfully I actually already read this fic before this blog, but only the prologue. Now let's see how the rest of the story goes!
Please, authorperson, PLEASE don't unintentionally ruin my night further. I'm almost out of medication...
Okay, all in all, this is a good story, barely above okay. Blueblood is written as someone other than an asshole in most fics. Derpy has an actual character attached to her other than being a fucktwit ditz in most fics, and Dinky ain't half bad. The story is written decently enough to keep the reader's attention with a nice pacing, good description, and character interaction that for the most part doesn't feel awkward. Plus, the story is actually interesting. In case you didn't catch it from the cover art or description or the story's sequel Blueblood is Dinky's daddy. Overall, no real complains from me, and hell, I faved the thing. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel after all. Let's just hope it ain't Hell once we're at #1!
Pegasus Mating Dance by PhiliChez
Twilight goes with Rainbow to watch her race in Cloudsdale only to suddenly find herself being 'wooed' by Thunderlane.
Holy mother of short stories, Batman, this story is hella-short! Though, the author straight out admits in his short bio he's new and would like feedback, so I can't hold the story THAT much against him. Everyone was a newbie once, so I guess I'll just give it a read and hope for th—
9/6/14 Featured!
OH FUCK NO! I promised myself I would never read a story with that glaring, annoying as fuck message in the description. You all know how much I despise it. But... for the blog, I'll do it anyhow. It's the last story of this awful night. I can take it.
And I didn't even use any cream!
Let's see... the story was rushed, to the point, kinda cute, and could use more flesh than a skeleton dipped in acid. TwilightxThunderlane is a hella cute ship, and could have been taken MUCH further than just the mating dance as shown in the cover art and then reproduced in the fic. The story has good groundwork for more, but still leads a sweet taste in the mouth. Like enjoying a Hershy's kiss instead of the entire bar. Also, for a newbie, the story is actually decently edited, so yaaaaaaaaaaay for that I guess. The story itself is just a cute oneshot with nearly nothing else attached, ad if you're into that sort of thing (you sick, sick pervert) then go for it me hearty!
And with that, ladies and gents, is the end of this Saturday of the Featured nights. Overall the trip wasn't as bad as less week, and much less sticky because of the lack of clop, but I won't be hopeful for next week either. This Saturday left a bittersweet taste in my mouth of stories that could have been, stories that shouldn't have been, and stories that did been (wow, such bad grammar) and made me a happy sponge. This was written around now, so if the box positions changed, good fucking luck with that, homie. Also, if you disagree with anything I said here, good fucking luck with that as well.
Cocaine is one hell-of-a-drug.
Giggles were had! Yay! Also, I'm sorry, Bob. I love reading reviews of stories and yours are really entertaining.
Oh good, you helped me drop a couple. :D Thank you, based sponge!
2433573
THERE'S HOPE YET!
2433576
I'm glad someone benefited from this. ;-;
See, this is why I look to the Featured box to see what fics to avoid and not which ones to read.
Referrals are the most reliable way to find new fics. No seriously, just ask a random person what their most favorite fanfic is. More than likely, the one they give you will be mediocre at worst, and utterly amazing at best.
I'm ecstatic to see that you're continuing these critiques of the featured stories. Anyway, I really enjoyed reading your thoughts on these stories.
I'm kinda sad you didn't do this earlier with the terrible batch that was on there this morning. Oh well enough of them stayed around long enough to make it on here. And still even with your valuable insights I shall read none of these.
2433615
Truly you are the wisest of all, oh chono of cookie eating.
And at least I didn't have to read that winnigverse story. =P
Why is it that I enjoy reviews of fics more than I enjoy reading the fics themselves?
Oh, right, you're hilarious. That's why.
I thought it was called "Five Nights at Freddy's" not Friday...
Well now I've gotta put the sequel out next Saturday!
For your information, Pegasus Mating Dance is now marked as 'incomplete'...
You sacrifice your time to aid us in avoiding terrible fics....Noble Sponge, you deserve a medal.
I find it funny that I did my second episode of rant about stories on the featured list just after you made this one, but while this one was fueled by the power of drunkenness, mine was from the power of being sleep deprived
I can only imagine what you'll think of my latest story if it manages to attain Feature box status next Saturday.
Excuse me, could you do me a favor...should my story 'Like A Virgin' ever get featured...please don't lay into it viciously. Just readin' this makes me afraid of gettin' featured.
Is it bad that I'm imagining you sounding like Doug Walker?
2433633
Half of the crossovers are Friday, other half Five, I have no fucking clue.
2433637
Whoooooo!
Still not gonna change the blog. :V
Thanks for torturing yourself for our amusement, Rainbowbob.
I believe Rainbowsponge to be a closeted masochist. There is no other logical explanation for such self inflicted agony as to purposefully wade through the bog of unoriginality and poorly thought out sex that is the feature box.
Seriously though, I marked the one about blueblood for later, and the mating dance thing did seem kinda interesting from the pic. Props for flagellating yourself with fan fiction for our amusement on a weekly basis, my good sponge.
2433633 "Parody!" -author
2433703
I DO IT FOR THE FANS!
#7
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Order right now and get TWO forth wall breaking pinkies for $19.99!
#6
Kill it! Kill it with fire!
2433670
I did the same thing
New fics in that box are usually questionable anyway... The ones that aren't new ones seems to be a little better. That is the part that I normally look at, not brand new ones that get in there because the title caught many eyes or something.
Darn, kinda disapointed you didn't do this earlier in the week so you could do he. she. we. in your feature box round-up since at one point it was pretty high up there. I work with that story's author and I really would have loved to see your reactions to it
I wish you had written this for the feature box I'm staring at right now. Some fucker wrote a story about Princess Celestia using an online dating website. It keeps getting featured and I really want you to rip him a new one.
2434024
God that author is SUCH a douchebag! :V
Hey I do that cocaine stuff
Joust was so fucking bad. Plus, the author doesn't seem to stand constructive criticism and has an ego as big the sun. That story makes fucking Fanboy and Chum Chum tame in terms of pacing.
I love you.
And my Read Later box is still empty... ah well, you put an update out today, so there's that.
I admire/roll my eyes at what you are you doing here.
On one hand, Fimfic SERIOUSLY needs to filter what gets featured on our front page. I miss when the featured had awesome stuff that was hilarious or interesting, not just another fetish fic or where the characters are annoying/OOC just to seem different.
On the other hand, you are probably one of the most famous authors on this site, so giving links to all these stories, regardless of what you say, is going to benefit them and reward even the crappiest of fics. There's no such thing as bad publicity after all, especially from a sponge.
Anyway, if you wish to stop this menace, perhaps rewarding the good fics more than punishing the bad would be more efficient. As always, you naive bastard...
funnyasduck.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/funny-pictures-second-chase-love-you-text-not-delivered.jpg
>tfw you will never be featured in time for Bob's blogs
warosu.org/data/lit/img/0052/48/1407313091419.png
2435540
GET FEATURED MOTHERFUCKER!
I NEED SOMETHING GOOD TO READ!
2435583
Anything for you, Bobby.
If only the people of Fimfic would agree.
If I write Skeleton's in the Closet 3: Rise of Skeleton mare I'm guaranteed a feature
MUHAHAHAHAUSDHASJFHNASLFJSALFKJASLF
Oh I do enjoy RainbowBobs Saturday featured box reviews! Snark of the highest quality. I'm starting to think you are thr Nostalgia Critic of Pony fan fiction. Keep it up!
followed
ur fuking welcom
Guess what!
2454802
SON.
OF.
A.
BITCH!