Saturday Night Featured #1: We Finally Hit Rockbottom · 3:12am Aug 31st, 2014
The only question now is if we can go any lower. That's right, folks, the reviews for the featured box are at hand! Finally you will know the completely unbiased feelings of your favorite spongemanwriterperson and his opinions of the fics up in the box of shame! So take a seat, hitch up your heels, and prepare for the cynicism to kick in!
WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE AND MILD DRUNKEN SHENANIGANS SHALL BE AT HAND!
At this point I'm wishing I had a balloon... so I could choke myself with something other than my own self-pity.
We kick things off with a time-honored tradition of starting from the bottom and slowly proceeding to the top. The bottom three fics are featured box updates, and thus, can change in the blink of an eye. So disregard them, let's start off with #7. Also, mature fics won't be linked, so you'll just have to go to the author's page for that stuff.
A Quiet Cabin On The Edge Of The Everfree by Sir Hat
Not fitting in on Earth was a bit heartbreaking. Not fitting in around Equestria was worse. Now a man is taking inspiration from a famous alchemist and living on the edge of the Everfree, where strange creatures stalk the night. But he leaves the light on for one in particular, a strange looking mare with an affinity for light.
Let's see... Romance and Human tags. Check. Pony butt for the cover art. Checkerino. Unnamed human and an unnamed mare talked about in the description. Checkamundo. OC tag. One big fucking check right there!
I would shove this check up the story's ass if I could.
Now, Sir Hat is known for his HiExfuckingeverythingwithanass stories. These become tedious and even unoriginal after a while. Though I do give Hat the benefit of attempting world-building in his stories. Really, the clop could be disregarded or not even needed in most cases because he actually has a half-decent way of building worlds. The humans even more so. The story, as it is, has an uninteresting human OC and even more uninteresting mare OC. Who is different this time because she has moth wings hur dur dur. The pacing is hella quick, though. Like, from the first paragraph to last I had brushed through the story, mostly bored. The... I could hardly call it romance, was a bit clunky. Such as if a backstory was involved that we were never clued in on. Also, this could definitely use a second editor's run. I do give Hat credit for not having the fic be COMPLETELY unreadable, but still, some mistakes were glossed over. And to wrap this up, there wasn't even any good clop segments to justify the mature/sex tag. That could change in the next chapter or two, but as it is, it's just teen at best. If you're gonna have those tags, at least include segments of the fic that deserve them right off the bat.
Overall, boring clopfic without clop with boring human and mare who are as uninteresting as the setup. Not exactly bad, but Hat makes many fics similar to this one... in great abundance, too. Now, I'm not the best person to tell someone to slow it down with the fic production, but Jesus, don't just make the first chapter of a fic and then slap it up without any other regards. Do two or three at least. Leave some substance. Or else you just leave the reader with a bad taste in their mouth. Now, onto fic #6!
A Changeling Is Fine Too by TittySparkles
Most mares hate being in heat. Only those looking to have kids enjoy this time but for ponies like Twilight, it's just another annoyance that life throws at her. Horny and frustrated that no males can service her in her time of need, Twilight has no choice but to venture out and look for that one lucky male that will have to help her. Sadly the only able male she finds is a disguised changeling that harbors little respect for her. Thankfully though, the changeling is a certain breed that can't get her pregnant and with that bit of knowledge in her head, Twilight discovers that a changeling is just as fine as a stallion would be.
This description needs a second editor's run. Like, seriously, commas, they're your friend. Also, fuck mares in heat premises. There's a thing called a vibrator. And hey, Twilight's a princess, she could afford a fucking hooker. Seriously, the ridiculousness of this premise is uncalled for, and why it was made in the first place doesn't make any sense in the slightest, so I'm just wondering wh—
Commission for: Iakovl
If I was a bot I'd be posting this on every fic I could find.
Okay, yeah, that explains it. 4demoneybags. Now, TittySparkles is an all around nice person who is my friend, but I'll still be unbiased here. The fic is baaaaaaaaaaaaad. Twilight is so OOC is hurts, the changeling Pan is a fucktwit, and both characters are just bags of meat fucking. That is the perfect way to describe it. Titty can write good, but here there's just lust, fucking, and a technique of clopfic writing that's about as mechanical as a Transformers slashfic (and I've actually read those (OptimusxMegatron 4life)). The characters are all stupid as hell just to lead up to the clop, which can't be justified as uplifting the terrible plot since it itself is mediocre. It is just a really big disappointment overall, and its only saving grace it that is has a slice of life tag without the romance tag. Thank god, now for #5!
Of A Flock by Living Madness
A second person story featuring your favourite returning protagonist 'You'.
Sequel to Screaming Eagles.Its been nearly five months since you and Gilda had finally decided to go steady. Everything was going fine until Gilda's started acting different, you have no idea whats wrong, one minute she's happy the next shes throwing lamp shades, she's sleeping a lot more and shes crying at the drop of a hat. Also and don't ever tell anyone this but shes gotten well... heavier.
First off, someone should really tell the author there's a sequel function for fics and he doesn't need to link it himself in the description. Secondly, someone should tell the author that second-person HiE clopfics are terrible and he is a terrible person for making them. I won't, of course, because I'm a nice person. You guys, however...
You're all bald, congratulations!
First off, no, I will not read the original. I'm a masochist, not suicidal. Secondly, fuck this person. Who writes a nearly 9000 word prologue? Someone who hates shitty reviewers, that's who! Also, if this author is using an editor, he should slap them across the face and have them check it over again. If they themselves are the editor, the same rules apply, except now they have to sit in the corner and cry. Cry every fucking time. As for the story itself, many of the rules of stupid apply. The human (ha, like I care about that second-person fucker, no matter how handsome he is (because he is me)) is about as thick as can be, or just an idiot. Gilda is preggers, IN CASE THAT WASN'T APPARENT FROM THE FUCKING DESCRIPTION. Oh, don't worry, she reveals this big shocker at the end, and it was about as great as you'd think. Really, Gilda seems just boring and all around bleh to me in the story. She's apparently the human's hot piece of ass, and that's pretty much all I thought of her. And even there we fall flat because, much like Sir Hat's fic, this one has a mature/sex tag where NOTHING mature/sex happens in the first chapter. A first chapter that's actually a prologue. A prologue that's 9000 words long. Most of which I skimmed because it was boring as fuck. That's all I could describe this as. Booooooooring. Half of the prologue could have been cut. It's fluffy. Fluffy fluff that's fluffy.
No, not even THIS fluffy was the fic.
Really, I felt like I wasted 30 minutes of my life. It does get some benefit of being a second person story with an actual story... if that story wasn't such a snore-fest. Because did I mention the prologue was 9000 words? I sure as hell won't stick around to see how long the actual first chapter will be. Now to move onto #4.
Open With Myself by Marshal Twilight
Fluttershy has always been a timid soul, but that hasn't stopped her from craving companionship like anyone else. The problem is that she's so nervous about the idea of having sex that she hasn't even tried dating yet.
Fortunately, her friend Twilight has a solution for her; a spell that can create the one pony she'd be comfortable practicing with: herself.
Or rather, himself.
Remember, kids, with shipping, selfcest is best cest.
Hell, I'd fuck myself if I could.
Now, this time I MIIIIIIIIGHT be a bit biased, since I actually helped Marshal make sure this fic was good. He's one of the better end clopfic writers who actually has compelling stories/clop in his stories, so the run of the mill isn't where this guy goes. Now, to cut it short and sweet, I liked this fic. It wasn't amazing, it wasn't spectacular, it wasn't jizztastical. It was good. Fluttershy was decent enough, her R63 counterpart Butterscotch wasn't much different, and the plot itself was just a ritual guise for the sex at hand. Now, that itself isn't a bad thing, but most you can see are awful or hastily made. This one was just plain. And the sex can be best described as that as well. It runs the usual course, but has a certain description and imagery that captures the attention. Pacing is spot on, and overall I never really found it dull. In my honest opinion of the fic, it's a higher end clopfic that doesn't quite meet the mark of something I'd love, but definitely deserves a position in the box. So... it has my approval. Oh thank god, this night won't be as bad as I thought! Time for #3!
Hot Coco by The Story Man
You work for one of the land's top fashion designers, Rarity. Too bad working for someone like that means getting invited to rich parties, otherwise known as expensive excuses to sell each other things and keep up appearances.
Still, not everybody here is bad. There is, of course, Rarity, but she's busy pushing her dresses on some rich women. Maybe you'll find another assistant to hang out. Who knows, it might even be a girl.
I SPOKE TOO SOON! Goddamnit, this is the fifth fucking clopfic so far. What is this, Smut Saturday or something? Jesus Christ, is there no end in sight?!
No, wait, you bastard, take me with you!
First off, fuck Anon. You only gave us hate and contempt from your presence. I could literally write a third person story, switch up some words, and make it second person, all with the useful tool of F4. For fuck's sake, it's the most trivial and easiest way of getting featured, and this fic is no different. Because I don't want to beat my head in with a bat, I'll get to the point as quickly as I can. Basic plot leads up to sex, with Coco, 'You' and her bang, and then everyone goes back home happy with your dongers up and your dignity down. I guess the romance portion wasn't half bad, but it didn't have enough weight to it to keep the clop portion as erect as you wanted it. As for the clop itself, eh, not bad, read better, read worse, and at least the guy had a jimmie on. At least someone cares about preventing more single mothers from having children out of wedlock. So thumbs up to the uninteresting and boring as fuck protagonist. And, in the end, the best words I could use to sum this fic up is humanized erotica with the pony bits barely attacked. it could be easily ripped off, like it was taped on. So no real loss if you took out the names and replaced them with actual human names. So yeah... Anon, get fucked, hope I don't see you in #2!
Twilight's Escort Service by Estee
Twilight's just received her official government escort license, which allows her to legally take on passengers during a teleport. Unfortunately, the fee was hideously expensive -- enough to completely wipe out all her spare bits. And there's a major purchase coming up which she refuses to put off. So what better way to raise the money than by giving her freshly-approved skill a workout? After all, it's winter, it's cold, ponies will get home all the faster, and since Twilight knows what 'escort' means, so will everypony else.
It's probably best not to bet on that last part.
Oh, for fuck's sake, ANOTHER clopfic? Goddamn you fimfic, goddamn you to he—oh, wait a second. This is teen rated. THERE IS A GOD!
You and me both, sister.
Now, lemme just see the word count of the first chapter. 16763 words.
...
...
...
Those things are from fimfic. All of them.
Okay, to be completely and truthfully honest, I skimmed the fuck outta this fic. I do that for most of Estee's works. Now, Estee is a good writer. Heck, they are a better writer than most writers. But to me, I just don't really like their fics. It's like... vanilla. A popular flavor, and one I enjoy, but it doesn't exactly blow me away or is my favorite. Estee has the habit of "explaining the joke" and "overdrawing the plot" and even the occasional "Jesus Christ, when does this fic end?" Estee can write a comedy I like but I never really laugh at, and for this fic, it was exactly the case. There was a LOT that could have been unneeded or glossed over. Though I do give Estee credit for never making the pacing feel dragged out. As for the plot... eh. Overall, funny fic for those who like a ton of words and a solid story. A comedy that has much to say, and sometimes you wish it'd just get to the point. A fic with a joke you see coming a mile away right from the title/description, but hey, at this point I'm just being cynical. Let's hit #1 so I can be depressed instead, since the best (oh god I wish this was the case) are often the last.
Diamond Tiara hates Nyx, this isn't exactly news. However, during a class fieldtrip Nyx finally asks why, and she may not like what she hears.
Motherfucker. MOTHERFUCKER. A goddamn Nyx fic. Wait, wait, give me a second... yep. MOTHERFUCKER!
I'm thinking along those lines right now, actually.
I don't like Nyx. I don't particularly like what Yukito writes. But hey, I'll give the dude the benefit of the doubt and see if he can make Nyx decent in this fic. And boy, low and behold, did it turn out this fic was... mediocre. It needed another editor's run, the plot was so contrived that a truck could have parked itself with room to spare in the plot holes, and the characters were just shy of thirty when they should be fillies. My already dislike for Nyx I shoved aside to read this fic was resparked into a roaring inferno just a few paragraphs in. The story was running the stupid ball all the way through, and much is the same for the characters (surprisingly, Diamond Tiara more so than Nyx). This fic is just so 'eh' I really don't have much of an opinion of it other than I would never have read it if it wasn't in the box for this blog. I mean, if you're a fan of Nyx you'll certainly eat this up, and if you aren't this story won't sway you to liking her. So yeah... I still don't like Nyx. WHAT A SHOCKER!
And with that, children, we're done. I wrote this around ten at night so if the fics changed, well tooooooooooooo fucking bad, cause I ain't gonna do this again. See ya next week, because I sure as hell ain't looking forward to it!
Little did Twilight know that Rarity's horn had already pierced through her trachea, bleeding her out as Rarity covered herself in the blood of Twilight's last breath. While snuggling, of course.
I'm sorry you had to see those, Bob. I'll write something good, I swear.
Also, having read Twilight's Escort Service, I have to agree with your analysis - this was something that was amusing in places, but also kind of depressing in places (the scene where the mare hires her to hang out with her just because she has no friends is... well, not something I'd put in a comedy story) and I think it was several thousand words too long. It also felt like a few of the climactic, comedic points happened just offscreen so we wandered in in the wake of something hilarious.
I am fascinating with your evolution from the times where you were on the GHIEList and found everything compelling but cared for grammar, to this point where you actually see stories from what they are. Intriguing actually. Congratz.
PS: I was going to put this on your last blog, but this one was updated as I wrote, and it was basically saying the same, sooo, why not?
I would love to have your brutal wittiness pulverizing one of my fics someday. I shall have to hope I get into the feature box one fine Saturday to prove myself the superior bad writer! At any rate, thank you for showing me what fics NOT to read (i.e. all of them).
It could be worse you know.
Chin up.
The Featured Box sure is a strange thing. While I am aware of the popularity of clopfics, I have never seen a day where six were in the Featured Box. Then again, I've only been a member since June, so there were probably days where there were more. Anyway, if you do continue doing blog posts like these, I'll be sure to check them out.
And thanks for letting us know what stories to avoid. At least I know that I'm not missing out on much.
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I want to snuggle you so hard right now, RainbowBob. This is why I follow you. You ain't afraid to tell shit like it is and reveal the dirty laundry these guys will wish they never wrote in two years.
I also hate Nyx, the worst alicorn OC right above red and black self-inserts. I read ONE chapter of Past Sins and was like...
As for the clop, this is how I think it should go down if one hits the Feature Box and is of today's quality.
stream1.gifsoup.com/view5/4497204/chris-hanson-o.gif
So... yeah.
Are we going to snuggle?
iambrony.dget.cc/mlp/gif/488207__safe_solo_rarity_animated_image%2Bmacro_imma%2Bsnuggle%2Byou_subversion.gif
Bob... think of your family. Don't do this. Don't do this to them.
This was an interesting read! When you were asking for opinions on whether or not people were interested in your reviews, I didn't think it would be so soon.
I got a couple new read list items and something to look forward to next week. Yay!
Sorry for being enthusiastic about that. I found it entertaining.
I'm still waiting waiting for someone to a write a fic about Pogo the Clown/John Wayne Gacy and or Jeffery Dahmer.
Welp, that scalated quickly.
I thoroughly enjoyed this!
I look forward to seeing
you torture yourself further by postingmore of these quick, unbiased reviews.clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap
2415376
I want Bob to rape my stories like this.
2415398
I fucking hate Jontron.
Actually, to the best of my knowledge, the sequel function only works one way: in sequential order from first to last. To go back up the chain of stories to the original, you'll have to look through the author's stories, or follow the links provided.
So, Ubisoft created him? Too soon?
Still, quite the hilarious post, Bob. I enjoyed this far more than I thought I should.
2415456
Perhaps our stories can share a room conveniently placed where he has to visit...
...someone needs to write a story about ponified story titles where shit happens to them depending upon their content's worth.
I now find myself curious as to what stories are deserving of the label 'jizztastical'.
A list and links are required, good sponge-writer-rainbow..... guy.
I haven't' heard snark that good since Nostalgia Critic. Bully to you good sir!
2415404
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These last few days I've been wondering to myself why I follow you. Now I know.
Bob, I'll have you know I am not bald. My John Hamm hair is luxurious beyond measure. Also, fun blog. the smut box continues to reign.
2415462
And Tobuscus hates you too.
2415566
...okay?
I can only imagine if you tried doing one of these and it was one of your stories on the list.
Come on. You know you want to write a sequel to the Soarin' X Daring one.
Six clops in the feature box! What the hell? You seriously have the worst luck in the world to start your reviews with that many clops. My deepest condolences.
Still, I got several laughs out of this. Hopefully I can write a story you won't hate with every fiber of your being. Just mildly dislike.
At least when I write clop I try to be different and interesting.
Lo and behold, it doesn't get featured.
How about another version without the Mature Tag?
2415799
I'm only one sponge.
2415805
lol. you can skip the ones that you've already done.
...Should I be happy none of my stories are currently featured?
Well not everybody can write as bad as you Bob. I will admit that Sir Hat stories are like that but I think A Changeling Is Fine Too by TittySparkles and Of A Flock by Living Madness are pretty damn good. A Changeling Is Fine for the most part is yes kinda creepy for the build up but the ending was really damn good. Of A Flock I think is pretty new that its a griffin instead of a pony. Wow that sounds stupid when I say it like that. At the same time no one has made a fic like that at least I am aware of. Maybe if you wrote more about griffins this wouldn't have happened.
2415938
*hugs you and rubs ointment on your butt*
Shhh, shhh... It's okay.
2415700
I've seen worse.
I've seen mature featurebox screenshots where it was nothing but HAV.
2415977 Its cool halfway through writing that I figured out how dumb I really am by liking them stories. Also your Avatar creeps me out and I wanna punch it .
Welp, I guess I'd better start publishing on Fridays so I can try to hit the Saturday night box. Maybe someday, I can also have my story torn asunder with snark and wit that will both make me laugh and weep for what Fimfic has become.
2415987
then y did you post it k
2415996 Cause I still like them.
Congratulations! You've been selected to be FimFiction's new Simon Cowell!!!
There were no vampires. Always remember there were no vampires. It will make life better.
2415983 I truly am sorry.
Couldn't help but laugh the whole way through this. Sure what he says is true but his ranting was amazing.
Ah vool, another feature box reviewer, and this time also one of the few people whose judgement I actually trust (either that or you know how to properly place animated GIFs to trigger my sympathy senses). You people are the reason why I saved so much time of my life by not reading this crap.
So please continue, Bob. Suffer for us so we don't have to!
Oh god, this is one of the reasons, why your one of my favorite authors on this site
Dear God...
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Those poor, poor people who read them.
Nice one, Bob. You pretty much summed up what needed to be said. Though, I could have summed those fics up in even fewer words:
1: Decent, but uninteresting and repetitive.
2: Boring and uncreative. 4themunneyz is evil, yo.
3: Oh good god, how boring can these get?
4: By-the-books humanized clop. Meh.
5: When will it fucking end, already?
6: When will you fucking die, already?
...Hmm. Maybe I should give these Feature-box reviews a shot, too...
~Blinkie
I planned to have the next chapter to my fic up by next Saturday, now I'm worried it'll just get slammed by one of my favorite authors on fimfic.
That being said, this was a really entertaining read and I'm looking forward to the next one.
This is why my Read Later box is perpetually empty.
Bad cover art checkafuckingmundo
Hmm.
On the one hand, I like Bob and don't want to see him slowly destroy himself over the course of doing these every week.
But on the other hand, this gives me all the entertainment of griping about what ends up in the feature box (with better comedy than I could ever muster) without my actually having to look at the stupid box myself!
Decisions.
2418708
I only ask for free ammo when the time comes.