In Hell, There Are No Desks · 9:30am Aug 26th, 2014
I'm typing this from my lap, on a new keyboard I am unused to. Had to get a new one, we couldn't connect my old keyboard - they don't make those ancient connectors anymore, and the cable needed is still in a box. Everything I own is in a box, and will be for the next three to four months at least.
Hah! How the mighty have fallen, eh? Once I lived in a palatial home, now I have no room of my own. My world, for now, is the far corner of what - in a normal person's house - would likely be the 'living room'. The house is filled with hundreds of boxes, and no way to unpack them. Why? It's a little bit Sokoban, and a little bit 'guess what's in the box' and a little bit 'we are so fucked'.
Intel got caught with their fingers in the European cookie jar, as you may recall, and they had to pay billions in fines. Worse, they got very complacent and ignored the rise of mobile computing entirely, so the pacific rim ate their lunch with cheap, easily modified, dedicated chips for consumer goods. Desperate to look good to stockholders, they did the usual American Capitalist Trick: fire most of the workers who actually do the work in a way that denies them any benefits or severance of any kind. Suddenly, without employees, they look great on paper!
The way they did this is to announce that if one wanted to work for Intel any longer, one must move to the region around Portland, Oregon. Naturally, this meant that more that 75% of their employees in the divisions targeted would be screwed, and 'choose' to leave their jobs of their 'own volition', thus making their quitting their 'free choice' and thus ineligible for any benefits of any kind - the slackers! The losers! Stupid peasants with homes and communities and family obligations and relatives and lack of resources to move at the drop of a hat!
It was evil, but damn clever. Force people to have to quit because moving is not possible for most people. Brilliant. Dirty as hell, of course, but cunning.
That still left tens of thousands of people flooding into a fairly small region, Hillsboro. It was sheer luck we found an overpriced house at all - there is a huge bubble going on as folks gouge the hell out of the influx of Intel folks. House-flip-a-go-go! Gold rush!
Bottom line? It is impossible to get a contractor to fix a house or turn a garage into a room. And that is a problem, you see, since the entire plan was to convert the garage into my room. For me to live in. That isn't happening. It's so massive an issue, that the guy that set up our internet? He is part of a small army of folks brought in from Colorado just to hook up internet here in Hillsboro. They're letting him go back to Colorado for a week to see his family, then it's another month of hooking up folks like us... the Intel Invasion. They don't have enough native cable guys here to do the job. Consider that.
My family is hoping that maybe by October or November, it might be rainy and miserable enough that the contractors here might be unable to work outside - or unwilling to work outside - and it might be possible to get some to do interior work at last, and thus finally build me a room to live in. It's a hope, anyway.
Until then, I am the empress of cardboard boxes that I can't get into... because there is no place to unpack them. I have six pieces of clothing, my shoes, my computer and monitor, my 360 and PS4, a chair, my toothbrush and the medicines I have to take, one garbage can, and my purse with my ipad in it. This is my world. This is my life. I am slowly going through some of the mis-labled boxes, checking them, resealing them, and writing their contents down (the packing crew did a random job, just insane) to find, well, things. More clothes to wear. Even one game for my PS4 to play. But, it's rough going - the house is chock-a-block with boxes. We were entirely depending on having my room done, so that my stuff could get unpacked, so there would be room to unpack other things. That isn't happening. We also expected that the boxes would be correctly labeled too. Nope.
If I had thought, even for a moment, that everything would be lies and bullshit, and that it would all turn out to be a clusterfuck... I would have done some things differently.
So, here is my big lesson to you, in case you have to move:
Expect that nobody is telling the truth about anything, that everything will be fucked no matter what, and that nothing and no man can be trusted. Prepare accordingly: take enough stuff you need to live normally in the car with you, and don't let said stuff get packed up on the moving truck. Even if you have to make six or ten five hour trips back and forth to do it, do it. Keep what you need close to you. Because it will all go horribly wrong. When it does, you will have all of your necessities with you in your fortress of cardboard boxes, and you will be alright until things eventually become rational again.
I didn't do the above, so now, for the next many months, I must peer at a monitor stacked on six shelf boards balanced on two incomplete drawer shells and type from my lap.
Because, in hell, there are no desks.
Anyway, we are in a new house, there is a lot wrong with it, but it will get fixed in time, and maybe in enough months, I will have a room again. And a surface to type on. (In the mean time, I am experimenting with using boards across my chair arms, tilted boards balanced on the edge of my monitor base, and pillows with boards on them as ways to get that 'desk feeling' back. Something will work, eventually. Surely.)
When I get used to my new keyboard (this one is USB! Huzzah! I am finally in the new decade!) I will continue with my writing.
So, for the too-long, didn't read crowd: I am down and (relatively) safe, the move is sort of over, and I am the empress of cardboard boxes, all hail me in my palace of cardboard!
Lastly, thank you to everyone who has been so supportive and kind to me during this fairly awful situation. You are wonderful, and I am grateful for you.
All hail Cardboardia!
May your boxes never crush
A land not unlike Minecraft
Someday the toilets will flush
All hail the Empress
ensconced in cardboard wall
one day the mythical contractors
will build her unicorn stall
All hail Cardboardia!
who knows what's tucked inside?
Intel and life and human greed
will ever take us for a ride!
When you gaze upon a cardboard box, remember: the empress gazes back at you. (No, she doesn't. She's too busy feeling sorry for herself. The stroppy bint.)
Yay.
- Petal Chatoyance
I haven't slept on an actual bed in nearly a year, for what it's worth. Solidarity!
I'm fairly sure that in Australia you could have gone to Fair Employment (or whatever it's called) and asked them to challenge Intel on this kind of thing. Then again, other then current government, most of the regulators down here tend to actually have an idea of what reality looks like.
This is why I vote Australian Sex Party; Socialism for the win!
Erf, thats a pickle alright.
Hmm, if you need to open up space there is one trick that comes to mind...
If you have a garage I'm guessing you also have a back yard. Go to the hardware store and buy a couple large tarps. You can spread them out on the lawn and create space to sort stuff on that way. Good for a weekend of unpacking and repacking boxes.
If your neighborhood seems alright and you dont think there would be people snooping around in your backyard another thing you could try is buying some wooden pallets and setting boxes out on those to clear space in the house, covering them with a tarp overnight just in case of rain. You could try asking around at a smaller hardware or furniture store to see if they have any to sell for cheap. Otherwise its about eighty bucks per new pallet.
Thats about all the 'cheap' ideas that spring to mind at the moment. I'm guessing you already ruled out renting a storage locker?
Well, hope things improve for yah. Also check the batteries on your fire alarm darlin, last thing you'd need right now is a fire in that house.
I suggest a preemptive strike on those bubble-wrap heathens.
Ooh. Now I feel bad. Being a military brat who moved every ~3 years, that's so second nature that I forgot to bring it up. Got stuck in a crappy hotel for a month or so once when the moving company "lost" our entire truck, and had to start school from there. And yeah, moving company box labels always lie. Sorry, Chat!
Hey, I'll attempt to stay alive if you will. Deal?
Ouch. You've explained the why of this move, but hearing about the what... This much disruption of human life, both in the moved and those who were already living there, feels like it should be a crime of some kind. Extorted human relocation shouldn't be a legitimate business tactic. You have my sympathies... and sadly, that's all I can offer. May the hordes of Rationality sack your corrugated empire sooner rather than later.
Sorry to learn about your troubles.
USB is 2-decades-old.
You are quite right. That is evil.
Best of luck with the unpacking and getting settled.
Helpful?:
I built my desk-nook with a set of cheap garage shelves and a thrift-store folding table. It's pretty boss (and ugly) and was a lot cheaper than a "real" desk.
Thank you for giving some news, even if it's not all rosey. It's good to hear that you made it, and what is going on. I hope things can work out with the room sooner than later.
Best of luck.
It's nice seeing you joke about the whole situation, at least a little, and that you're looking forward for improvements, even if delayed.
Good luck, Chat. Even though the world doesn't see it that way, you deserve only the best.
Ahh, I feel for you.
I am glad you're alive, now for the hard bit: You currently live in L-Space... make it work!
Good to hear you're alive and kicking, even if basically camping out in your own house. This is where I'd normally put all kinds of banalities like "pretend it's an adventure!" or "don't beat a dead gift horse in the mouth!" or whatever, but you're probably way ahead of me in terms of trying any positive spin you could put on the situation.
Well, this's the problem with being prosperous enough to own things, I guess... I actually like to move partly because it gives me a reason to get rid of stuff, but if I owned a lot of things I valued I'm sure I'd despise it. Used to move a lot as a kid, too, but I loved it; it made me feel so cosmopolitan and I never didn't feel like my friendships with the other kids weren't replaceable, and now thanks to the internet you don't even have to worry about that in anything like the same way.
So, keep that chin up, is I guess what I'm saying. I was going to make you a drawing by way of encouragement in your new situation, but now that I know you're OK I ain't doing shit.
Just kidding, I already started it.
I hope good fortune is granted upon you soon. What you've been through sounds horrible.
Also, Is this an accurate depiction of your house?
watchplayread.com/files/2013/10/S5_e37_Box_king.png
I'm really sorry for what you're going through. An awesome person like you deserves better. Here's hoping your cardboard empire can get converted to wood walls and organized shelves soon.
You're back! I saw the post in my feed and started humming the Ode to Joy.
As for your situation, though… yeah, really hard thinking of nice things to say about that. There's the old "You have a house and aren't having to use those cardboard boxes as your only shelter", but that's probably not very comforting. Um… If things had gone smoothly, you'd never have been inspired to write the National Anthem of Cardboardia! So that's a good thing, right? And you still managed to make the post outlining your misery a pleasure to read.
Oh, yes, and, after all of this is over, you won't have to worry about running out of cardboard boxes for a while! :D
2402447
"This much disruption of human life, both in the moved and those who were already living there, feels like it should be a crime of some kind. Extorted human relocation shouldn't be a legitimate business tactic."
But that would be interference with the free market! That's communism! And also probably gay Kenyan sharia law or something.
It's good to hear from you!
All I can really say at this point is reiterate: stay strong, it will get better. We're all rooting for you.
It's a small consolation in the present, but at least Future-Chatoyance is likely doing okay.
I'm glad to infer that the move itself, at least, went ahead without blog-worthy hitches.
And thanks for the poem!
Hey, you're back!
Shame about being stuck in all those boxes though, and just the plain wickedness of massive companies (ah I long for the day when they no longer rule...)
2402376 *dons helm and revs up chain-bawkses cutter* PURGE THEM IN THE NAME OF THE EMPRESS!
I'm sorry that it didn't go well, but I'm glad your alive. I want to say it could be worse but I don't want to trivialize your pain. I'm not really good at written comfort, sorry.
I do hope things get better for you.
Glad to hear you're at least doing tolerably well. Any chance of getting a temporary storage place for the boxes?
Glad to hear your back Chatty my Dear best news I've heard all day.
Sorry to hear things are still bad for you. Honestly things aren't much better here either
Anyway I won't bore you with my problems. Anyway all hail the Queen of Cardbordia may her reign be glorious and hopefully short.
Dear Chat,
I'm so glad to hear from you. And although the move was certainly less than stress free it's good you can make light of the situation.
When I was a kid we moved every three years because of my dad's job. I never knew everything that went into these moves, but I do recall the rule to "have the bare essentials with you and in sight at all times during the transit!"
In my adult life I've move (with spouse and kids) to Asia, Europe and back to Canada, and I have the following to report:
1) Some boxes will never be unpacked. They will hide and guard their treasures inviolate as they sit unlabelled in quiet mystery.
2) You will (mostly) not miss the stuff that stays hidden in boxes. Both you and that stuff are likely the happier for the estrangement.
3) Periodically, you accidentally encounter such forgotten boxes and wish to open them. If you give in to this urge you will no doubt exclaim in joy and perhaps even shed a tear for your rediscovered long lost prodigal stuff. You will then tenderly and with a glowing heart find a new box to put that stuff in, which you will promptly not label and forget. At least until your next move starts the cycle all over again.
consoletuner.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-o-matic/cache/db43077def_279484-Untitled.jpg
Your poem at the end reminded me of this guys love for them, sorry. >_> good to hear that you found a place to stay. I hope it works out better for you in the future.
*Gives all the hugs, from himself AND for Gabe, who also sends his love and adoration*
I'm sorry to hear things haven't been going well... did the cookies at least make the trips any easier for you? can I send you anything else?
I may well be getting that new job I mentioned soon, so I might be able to send you regular care packages, too, if that will cheer you at all. Y'know, in lieu of me showing up with tools and ready to go to work building you something that you can call your own space...
Remember: You are loved. You are cared for. You need only ask for help, and it will be gladly given.
Sisters watch over you and yours, Chat. I do hope things get better soon...
Hang in there kittycat.
You still seem sane. I am not surprise. Moved thou have survived. The gods salute Chatoyance.
on the bright side, this is a great cautionary tale I can use for people who tell me that there's nothing unethical about anonymous stock trading.
so glad we secured this shitty sublet before Intel's little stack smashing exploit on the Hillsboro real estate market wrecked everything. again.
Dear Chat,
I was looking at the title of their blog and something struck me. Really. I'm writing this on the train coming home from work and a lady walked into my leg and didn't even apologize. (How rude AND un-Canadian. I, of course did apologize. Some traditions are sacred, after all!)
Anyway, as I was saying, about the title of your blog. A corollary to this rule would be that there ARE desks in heaven. I base this assertion on two observations:
1 - that perhaps the absence of desks makes hell more hellish. Your distress at your recent desklessness would support this thesis.
2 - perhaps the presence of desks in heaven would make it more heavenly. My own personal experiences support this thesis: ever since I was a child I've always loved my own desk, the only small volume of the universe that this fourth of six children could ever call his own.
Of course I do have to come clean here that, as an atheist who doesn't beleive in an afterlife, I'm on shaky ground when discussing either heaven or hell. Either way, this philosophical discussion on the "deskyness" of heaven certainly gives one food for though. Or maybe I'm just hungry as I sit in the train home after a long day's work.
At my desk.
I was kind of worried things weren't going well when we hadn't heard from you, not that I expected them to be stress free. Seems the world always loves piling insult upon insult onto injury.
Hope you get through it.
(For some reason, I read your subject as "In Hell, There Are No Daleks" and wondered what on Earth that meant before blinking a couple times.)
2402306
The United States has virtually nothing in the way of worker protection. What little there was has been stripped away in the name of "right to work," which basically means right to get fired and fucked over in a million different ways for no reason at all.
Moves are rough. It's been two years and I still can't find my Chinese Chess set.
At least now I know why you're not open for commissions!
That reminds me of the story my mother has about moving and movers from when she was a military brat. At one point for a move cross country the movers packed everything.... even the full trash bins.
Just sending a *hug* in case it's needed.
2432007
A heavenly bureaucracy. Spooky stuff! Rarely have I gotten such a warm and fuzzy feeling for not believing in an afterlife!
I hope the hardest is past be safe
Is there anything we can do to help?