The Griffon Wars: A Soldier's Memoirs · 12:29am Jul 28th, 2014
Usually, when I read a story, I comment per chapter and in the comments section. I pick things I like and things I don't like. Ultimately, I end up with this laundry list of quotes with small bits of commentary. It looks rather unsightly in the comments section as I go through the chapters. I'm going to try something different this time by posting just one long-ass comment in my blog and leaving a link in the story's comment section.
So...The Griffon War: Memoirs of a Soldier. Hard not to notice it if you follow Jake the Army Guy.
What I liked
The OCs - I like it when an author dares to use OCs and succeeds. Fleethoof suffers a bit from what I would call the Gourry Gabriev syndrome. He's the reader's insertion point into the story so he asks all the noobish questions. The author wisely makes him a newbie in the army so it doesn't get too noticeable. He feels alive, as does most of the supporting cast. He grows into his role as he's pushed further into difficult situations. He's no complete badass, but he gets the job done which makes him more interesting to read.
The action - one of the reasons that the gun aspect left me wary is that I was worried about gun porn. I don't want to read about your M18324928-3242 Carbine Rocket-Launching Machine Gun that fires tungsten tipped, nuclear core, mini-rockets of whateverium. The fic avoids that and steps deftly into the battle with focus more on emotions and movement. It's quite varied too from a beach landing to taking a city to a siege. There's a sniper fight and there's knife work in a cramped building. You get enough of that tension and the gritty aspect of hunkering down, trying to survive and pushing the enemy back.
World building - the story could use more, but I like the parts that the story does have like old grudges and how the Equestrian Army works. Things like arcanite and the reason why Skyfall is called Skyfall.
What I didn't like
The Griffons lack identity - my biggest complaint. King Alaric is the only named griffon throughout the entire story and he's a typical evil overlord so delusional that he boasts of exterminating the enemy while his very capital is already under siege. The griffons are hardly described. I don't recall what their regular uniform looks like, only the golden armor of their elite. When they talk, they talk exactly like ponies but with 20% more hate speech. There's no mention of them having their own language, or even an accent. Even as they push deeper into enemy territory and encounter some of the smaller settlements, all the inhabitants speak good English. Griffon anatomy doesn't really come to play here. There are several instances in the story where Fleethoof gets punched by a griffon and I'm going "Dude, you have eagle talons and an eagle beak. Peck his enormous anime eyes out, cut his nostrils open, slice an ear off."
At one point Fleethoof's unit is fighting in the middle of a city and he spots a church. He takes a moment to wonder what the griffons worship and I'm going "Yes, please, please go a bit into detail here. That would be a great way to give your enemy some identity." But nothing comes out of it. I don't even know how he recognizes the tower as a church as opposed to a guard tower, or a bell tower, or a municipal building, or a giant dick statue. I suppose since the griffon settlements are called Asgard and Midgard, they would worship Norse gods.
I don't know if this is addressed further into the series, but for this installment, the lack is quite noticeable.
Smaller complaints include a tendency for redundancy. "Celestial heavens" as the prologue's narrative says, basically describing the heavens as being heavenly. "Nodded in agreement" as opposed to nodding in disagreement I suppose. Some cases of "Sorry," apologized Brom in there too. Passive voice in multiple occasions like "Gunshots were heard from a distance" as opposed to "They heard distant gunshots". Not necessarily wrong, but something I don't like.
Overall
I'm off to read the next part. I think that says it best.
And you just described a 40k bolter almost perfectly...
Seriously though, do you follow 40k lore? Because it does seem that Upheaval contains some elements from 40k, and more specifically the First Rebellion sounds a lot like the Horus Hersey (but then again, Luna becoming Nightmare Moon 1000 years ago in the show also is also practically a re-write of the Horus Heresy as well).
That being said, I also happen to share your dislike of gun porn. All that describing could be put towards better world building or characters...
2321609
I don't follow WH40k. I played Warhammer Online (which is not WH40k but similar) when it was still up and that's it. However, WH40k is so prevalent in the internet that it's almost impossible to not pick up pieces of lore. I am interested in the WH40k MMO that's coming out.
I would put Oceanus as more Satan/Melkor than Horus. The fall from grace story did not start with the Horus Heresy.
2321641 Ah, thanks for the answer. If you have the time and money, some of the 40k novels are worth picking up if you like gritty sci-fi with a dash of elderitch horror. I'd recommend starting with Dan Abnett's Gaunts Ghosts series about a small regiment of regular human soldiers, since because A. you don't need to know much about 40k to enjoy it, B. the Ghosts are easier to connect with instead of the post-human genetically engineered super soldiers who live only to fight, and C. Dan Abnett's an awesome writer. (pick up the first omnibus in print here: amazon or the first book in digital form here: link)
Speaking of Griffons, how come there are none of them in Upheaval?
I though the Griffon kingdom is canon, and mentioned since season 1.
It would be cool to see some Griffon legionaries or thorns (highly unlikely) .
2321609
Gun porn is definitely a strange beast from a literary standpoint. If the author goes into too much detail, then it can really bog down your readers with pointless facts. At the same time one can also withhold too much, and miss out on a nice chance to draw people deeper into their world via thoughtful item or equipment descriptions.
The effectiveness of this also varies depending on the medium used. For example in video games or other forms of interactive media this can be a real boon. Giving the player a chance to learn more about the gear and tools they use can build a strong connection between game-play and story.
Unlike movies or books, video games have a unique vantage point in this regard. More often than not these scenes can be skipped or in some cases missed entirely. So those interested in delving deeper, and those who just want to keep playing both end up satisfied.
MGS3 handled this well. If a player wanted to learn more about any item, they could call someone from their support team. The game never puts you in a choke hold and forces a dossier worth of non-plot relevant information on you. Which is nice, because it would suck to sit through a scene like this every time you just wanted to get your sneak on.
Another author I follow talking about DQ's "The Griffon Wars"?
I am excited! As a long time follower of Dusk Quill I'm really excited to see that you enjoyed it. 
I feel like I agree with you on each point you listed. World building and the griffons is where the story lags behind. As someone who's super interested in the griffins I wanted to learn more about them and anytime a griffin beyond Alaric got five seconds of face time I was hoping we'd get to learn something about them. Unfortunately that didn't happen. However, Dusk Quill has improved as he's continued to write. Dusk Quill's world has grown exponentially (with even more to discover) and his villains have become a bit more that the evil overlord, and as one might expect each story DQ learns and grows as an author.
2322730 The worst for me in pony fiction is when the author brings in real world guns barely changed and then painstakingly describes them in story, I've read a couple FO:E stories like that...
2321874 There have been two mentions of Griffons in Upheaval, both in passing:
From what's been said, it appears the Griffons are a separate nation, but probably don't have a demi-god ruling them like the four other great nations. I too would like to see Visiden's take on the Griffons, hopefully in Journeys, considering in the Upheaval-verse they're a predatory species that was under the pacifist enchantments of the barrier, I wonder how the Griffons are dealing with their recently unlocked violent side...