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Estee


On the Sliding Scale Of Cynicism Vs. Idealism, I like to think of myself as being idyllically cynical. (Patreon, Ko-Fi.)

More Blog Posts1258

Jul
25th
2014

So there's going to be a Snarknado slot machine · 6:17pm Jul 25th, 2014

That should really be all I have to say in order to begin full distribution of the pain shipment, but I had the privilege misfortune of seeing the preview version in action and so I feel the need to go into detail. Just to make sure it hurts more.

Obviously the pay symbols were things from the first movie. Sadly, none of them were visible boom mikes or spit-stained script pages. (I meant to write 'spit'. Honest.) You want to collect the feature actors and yes, I winced when I wrote that. Sharks are wild. You can also get waverunners. Barstools. The exploding bottles are the bonus symbols, appearing only on Reels 1 and 3, which are then hopefully finished off by something on Reel 5. While you wait to find out on Reel 5, sharks circle it.


I saw one of the bonus games. You select those bottles, which explode into bonus points. Some of those bonus points contain tornadoes. One contains a shark and ends your round, which makes as much sense as anything in the movie. Collect three tornadoes and advance to the final part of the bonus, in which three sharks will crash-land in front of you. Cut one open and hope it contains Nova, who will then double your money because slot machine.

Every so often, completely at random, the world's worst graphically-rendered tornado will spin across your reels and pick up all your symbols. After a few seconds, it comes back and drops sharks all over the place. You then win. Or not. Sharks do not automatically a winning day make, as the characters in the film could tell you if they were capable of forming that level of sentence.

I felt this machine lacked something in the way of a true Sharknado experience.

For example, the movie visibly can't keep track of the environment: raining in one shot, perfectly sunny in others, and the events are supposed to be happening in the same place, at the same time. So why not have the slot machine be incapable of tracking your money? You put twenty dollars in the machine: it tells you it was only a five. You thought you just bet fifty dollars at the moment you actually hit the jackpot? Sorry, but the machine turned into a penny edition while you weren't looking. It's reflective of the original, so why should anyone complain?

There should be speakers built into the seats. Every so often, a clip will play Tara Reid explaining how sharknadoes are a real danger and one could hit at your slot machine right now. Then a casino employee comes up and throws a baby shark at you. Good times. Oh, and Tara's voice will be bored and sleepy because movie.

The slot carousel should be in a water tank. Eighteen inches deep, which as we have all been taught is the ideal amount of liquid for giant sharks to swim and thrive in. Also, after the baby ones are thrown at you, it'll give them somewhere to go.

You're not allowed to leave the machine for ninety minutes. They strap you in. The struggles to escape may slow down a bit after the first shark.

No matter how you do in play, at the end of your time, the machine keeps all your money. Because it's Sharknado: The Slot Experience. You came in expecting to completely waste your time: why should you be paid for it?

And when you leave the casino, broke, wet, and missing several toes, you will find the chainsaw-cut halves of your car in different sections of the parking lot.

I feel this is all a tremendous improvement in recreating your movie-viewing pleasure, only in the form of a slot machine. Also, it's more accurate. And it would be a faithful recreation of the plot if only there actually was one.

So the next time you're in a casino, play Snarknado. Or else the company behind it will stop buying licenses and making these fine slot machines for your entertainment. Optionally, take your money and feed it to an actual shark. It's pretty much the same thing, only without the publicity storm.

Oh, and before anyone starts: yes, there is probably a Ponynado story somewhere on this site. If there isn't and you feel the need to fill that gap, you will probably make the Feature box.

I would tell you to stop before it was too late, but I replaced Fluttershy with a Sherman tank.

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Comments ( 10 )

according to a quick look on the site's search bar, there are no results for "ponynado."

There already is a Ponynado story. It's called "Hurricane Fluttershy."

Actually, given that I've cast Dizzy Twister as Scootaloo's mother, I can't help but imagine Scoot arranging a ponynado for Family Appreciation Day.

"And this is what Mom does at work! It's almost half as cool as Rainbow Dash." :scootangel:

There is a Sharknado fic, called "My Little Sharknado".

This is making me reconsider my policy of simply ignoring these audaciously horrible films that steal the spotlight year after year o_O a notion that fills me with dread.

Oh, and before anyone starts: yes, there is probably a Ponynado story somewhere on this site.

My Little Sharknado

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I keep picturing her trying to steer the scooter in an ever-tighter and faster circle until she finally crashes into herself at the center. Which still makes as much as anything in the bog post.

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Entertainment Weekly: 237 referrals.

So. Yeah. That's what a mainstream bump looks like. Woo-hoo.

Also, that's how you get mainstream notice. Hoo-woo.

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I spotted the original Sharknado on Amazon Prime's freebie list and...

...the after-shower went on for a very long time.

sharknado is... an experience. It really is. With shots where they just plain forgot to add the cgi, physics-defying water, and more.

It has to be seen to be believed. And a slot machine of the movie? ...that's it, I quit. :pinkiecrazy:

Best typo ever in the post title! "Snarknado" sounds much more entertaining than Sharknado. :trixieshiftright:

Also, since XKCD is always relevant: imgs.xkcd.com/comics/worst_case_scenario.png

Estée, I love your droll sarcasm. You're Steadily climbing up my list of favorite bloggers on the site

2315377 Equestria Daily: 3024 referrals

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But 2019 first-chapter views.

Something's off.

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