Most Dangerous Game Judging Reviews - 3 · 6:11pm Jul 20th, 2014
Some more reviews for the Most Dangerous Game competition. Don't forget to vote for the finalists here!
Beneath Harmony, by Rootbeer Dew
Story: The OC alicorn-related origins of the Tree of Harmony
A bit of a tricky story, this. There is an exciting tale in here, but the style makes it really tricky to get into. For some reason the sentences are all really short and most of the paragraphs are one sentence each. It is also unclear exactly what is going on at the end, and why the alicorn is asking for forgiveness.
Prompt: OC alicorn and 2nd person
As mentioned, the style of writing is extremely hard to read as it's quite stilted. The whole story isn't second person, as it breaks for third person for a section. The OC alicorns are undeveloped apart from several unneeded detailed descriptions.
A Sparkling Gem, by Havok SCOUT
Story: Someone is kidnapping ponies!
This is a story which had a much stronger start than ending. Actually, once the villain is revealed, I'm not really sure what to make of the ending, where she just gives up and everyone forgives her for kidnapping children and sucking out their lifeforce in a horribly painful way. Though it is Scootaloo, so maybe everyone is secretly happy? Despite the story being second person, I didn't really get a handle on the main character (or even realise they were an alicorn until halfway through). Overall it feels like it runs out of steam at the mid point.
Prompt: Second person, OC alicorn
In many ways, the prompts seem the least important part of this story. Yes, it is in second person, but this style doesn't really add much to the story, and it is functional at best. The alicorn aspect may as well not be there, save for a few mentions, and there's an attempt at shipping that doesn't really go anywhere. Points for effort, but I wish any of these had been developed and worked into the story a lot more.
Those Forgotten, by shinygiratinaz
Story: Discord has locked up all the alicorns
Really, this story is two separate but linked vignettes: an alicorn who is imprisoned and thinking about his life, and Celestia confronting Discord about it. The first section is okay, but the character is not really developed much aside. The second section has an effective ending, but Celestia's sudden confrontation with Discord is jarring - surely if he really had kept all the alicorns locked up that would be her first priority; no explanation is given as to why she's suddenly getting round to sorting it out now. Also she talks about 'defeating Discord' as something that would let them free... but didn't that happen 1000 years ago anyway? It's a nice idea, but too short and needed more exploration of the ideas and motivations.
Prompt: OC alicorn
The OC alicorn in this story is more symbolic of the whole race of alicorns that Discord has locked up, rather than a character in his own right. As such we don't really get a sense of character from him, especially as the story is a tale of two halves, and the second half is just Celestia and Discord. I like the concept overall, and the ending is actually effective, but could have done with more fleshing out.
And the Prairie Grass Blew, by Avid_Reader
Story: Flashback Granny Smith shipping
This is one of those stories that I dread reviewing. There's nothing /wrong/ with it per se: technically it is well written, there's nothing about it that strikes me as bad... but at the same time it was just a slog to get through. It lacked any sort of spark that encouraged me to want to read more. It's difficult to express why though, since as I said, technically it was good. I think it is a combination of flat characters and lack of incident. Not bad, but not good, either.
Prompt: OC shipped with main character
This feels a very 'safe' use of the prompt. Granny Smith is no-one's favourite character, but at the same time is one of the few characters in the show who clearly had some sort of relationship in the past. There's not a lot in the relationship either, it all feels pretty much by the book, with very few hooks.
Omega-7, by KaBar41
Story: Some humans arrive from space to shoot some aliens and rescue some horses.
This is a very military story, complete with men with guns shooting things until they explode and lots of swearing (I am not a fan of swearing in stories based on MLP, but I won't hold it against the writer). The story assumes that the reader knows what the world is already, as there is not a lot of effort put into the worldbuilding, either. It feels like the reader is expected to understand the setting before it has been portrayed. There's no explanation of who the 'Com' aliens are until much later, and then only briefly. It feels a lot like a crossover, in fact, in that the writer is writing in what seems to be an already defined world.
The story as it stands is very light and ends almost as it gets going. The most interesting part is the intro where it states "All of these accounts were taken from helmets and interviews" and then unfortunately turns into a normal story. Something told via interviews and 'helmet-cam' pieced together in a documentary style would be far more interesting.
Prompt: Human in Equestria
Military humans in Equestria is an old trope, and this story doesn't really do much with the idea. I feel like I've read this story already several times. Additionally, the use of Equestria is very vague. You could easily replace it with any other planet/lifeforms and the story would play out identically. I did like the mistranslations used in dialogue though, that was interesting.
Our Little Accident, by JMac
Story: The life of an alicorn born to two scientists.
I thought overall that this story was quite sweet, and certainly an enjoyable read. It takes place over a long period of time, which means some sections that could be felt to be important are skipped over, and others (most notably the start) are covered in a lot of detail, making the lack of detail in others feel strange. But if not being long enough is the only criticism, then we're in good hands.
Prompt: OC alicorn
The story is about the childhood of this OC alicorn. As it encompasses a large span of time, it is by necessity quite brief in places, though gives a decent overview of the character. I feel it would have been effective if there were some more character beats, as mostly we are told what this character is like rather than shown it. The parts where we are shown it is good, and I'd like more in that vein. Also perhaps a bit more to explore the ramifications of the ending for all the characters.
Wander, by Jet Howitzer
Story: A human arrives in Equestria with a fish
This story feels more like setup than an actual story. We get the box ticking of a human arriving, meeting a pony, then meeting Celestia and then it ends. While his backstory is interesting, it isn't really developed or explored. The pacing of the story is also strange for a complete tale, as the first half deals with the pony Whisper meeting him, and the second half about Celestia. If this was just a chapter 1, it wouldn't be a huge issue, as a standalone work, it is.
Prompt: Human in Equestria
This story doesn't really do much with the prompt that is out of the ordinary, or explore it much. The entire story is about the human meeting ponies and Celestia and agreeing a way forwards, and... that's it. It reads more like the setup to a much longer story. Whilst the Hitchhiker's reference is cute, it does take up an awful lot of the story, and skirts very close to the 'no crossovers' rule for this competition as it feels like most of the story is about the babelfish (or Adams Fish, as in Douglas, I assume).
Tainted Reflection, by Imperaxum
Story: One of Pinkie Pie's reflections from the mirror pool escapes destruction and goes to live with the griffons
Yes, you've read that right. No, it isn't season 3 still. There was a time when Fimfic was flooded with every possible combination of these stories, and it feels a bit odd to see one pop up now. The first third of the story being basically a novelisation of that episode hurts it a lot, but I guess it is a necessary evil to bring the reader up to speed and ensure it is a complete entity. Once the story becomes original, it improves a lot more. It's a fun, interesting read, though ends a bit suddenly, I assume due to it coming up to the word limit.
Prompt: 7th element
I struggled to find the prompt in this story, to be honest. I assume it is a '7th element' due to one mention (though technically it is Pinkie's element split in half). It feels really shoehorned in to the story, as if this was a story being written anyway and just had this prompt pushed into it to make it eligible. It is a tangential relation at best, which is a shame as overall I liked the story.
Ascension, by BlazzingInferno
Story: A newly-ascended alicorn has a hard time adjusting
This story is an enjoyable read: the characters are decently strong, it is paced well and has enough in it to keep the interest. That said, it feels a little light overall. The story works towards a 'moral', but it seems to be at the expense of everything else. There's a bigger story in there that has been restricted by such a tight focus. That said, I did enjoy reading it.
Prompt: OC Alicorn
This story deals more with the effects of alicornisation in an interesting and readable way. Whilst the reader feels sympathy with the main character, there's not enough backstory to really gain that much appreciation of their character. I appreciate wanting to keep some of the pre-alicorn stuff til the end, but this does affect how the reader sees the character. What there is, is good though.
Johnny Never Knew What Hit Him, by Horse Voice
Story: A human who is injured in a war travels to Equestria, becomes an alicorn, gets engaged to Rarity, yada yada
This is a story that is far more clever than its premise would have you believe. Pretty much every point that I felt wasn't done well turned out to be absolutely deliberate, and fits together into a quite engrossing narrative with a scary monster at the end. Perhaps my only criticism was that the ending felt a bit rushed, and doesn't really get to grips with what the main character is feeling after all the revelations thrown at him. Still, a good, entertaining read.
Prompt: Human in Equestria, OC alicorn, OC shipping and 7th element (sort of)
This is mainly a human in Equestria and OC alicorn story, with the other prompts being handled in a very interesting way. I don't want to say more than that because it's a good surprise, but it all feels natural, and very effective. I was fooled, at least!
I Ain’t Your Sacrifice, by Dragor
Story: A pony finds himself in the clutches of a cult who is murdering foals to resurrect King Sombra.
Well that was grim! There's stuff to like in this story: it's not too long, the backstory is nicely laid out and it has a good ending. That said, a lot of it relies on the characterisation of the main character, but this doesn't really come across. He starts off not wanting to get murdered and deciding to escape, and then almost instantly decides to join up with the evil murderous cult, all the time giving a lot of chatty dialogue. Perhaps if this was developed more, the story would flow better.
Prompt: I don't know
I'm genuinely unsure what the prompt used here is. I am assuming it is 'OC alicorn' but aside from a mention of the character being 'red and black' and about how special he was when born, it isn't mentioned anywhere in the story. There is an exchange where he states he is a unicorn 'yet has a horn'; I assume that was an error and meant to be pegasus with a horn? It's not clear.
In Times of Need, by Pascoite
Story: Luna summons a human to Equestria to help.
There's a lot to like here. Pascoite's style is good as always, and it's an easy and interesting read. That said, the story itself feels rather piecemeal. While the parts where the same actions are narrated from different perspectives are good, the shifting of viewpoints from Luna and the human at the start, to Twilight at the end confuses the story somewhat. Luna vanishing only to reappear having solved the crisis off-page is jarring; I think this story would benefit from something more from her point of view at this point, rather than having to rely on her explain what happened to Twilight. I got the feeling that the story was supposed to be about sacrifice, but as this is held back as a late twist, it's not really built up to as much as it could be.
Prompt: Human in Equestria and Seventh Element
Points for using two prompts in a way that feel natural, though I don't feel that either are adequately explored. There's not really enough time spent with the human to get a good feel for him (and it felt strange that for someone who lived in a world where MLP was a real show he didn't recognise Twilight) and he drops out of the narrative at the end as the story becomes more about Luna. It actually feels like you could swap out the human for anything else and the story would work the same.
The seventh element idea is more interesting, albeit introduced late and not really delved into much. As Twilight notes, Luna is very flippant about this; perhaps more buildup on this note, especially early on using the viewpoint of the human as an advantage could have helped.
The Janitor Named Dustbowl, by MrAlbum321
Story: A janitor is secretly an alicorn, and his secret is uncovered during a robbery
There's a lot to like in this story. It has a sweet overtone, is paced well, and doesn't overstay its welcome. The early parts could do with more development, as we don't really get a feel for Dustbowl's world and life before it all goes wrong, but it's nice to have a story like this that deals with a more mundane destiny. That said, there's an awful lot of casual swearing which kept breaking suspension of disbelief.
Prompt: OC alicorn
Straight in with the OC alicorn, this is a story where a character isn't alicornised by mistake, but explores the idea of someone becoming an alicorn for more mundane reasons with no amazing powers. It's an interesting way to look at the prompt, though the explanations offered at the end by the princesses seem slightly rushed, especially given the rest of the story. It also feels like the story could have done with more development as to the character's prior experiences early on. Though this is rectified later in the story, not knowing his motivations make him harder to understand.
Red Tornado, by Alaborn
Story: An alicorn is a general who has beat the griffons and now wishes to die
War stories are always a bit tricky, as it's very much against the ethos of the show. This story gets around it by skirting about the issue a lot. The first half is mostly a very dry description and summary of this war with a smattering of character points, the second half is about this character wanting to become mortal. I don't feel that the two halves really join up that well, or at least the first half really should have used the opportunity to build on this alicorn's character more, rather than using him as a device to narrate some history and worldbuilding.
Prompt: OC alicorn
Really, the OC alicorn aspect only appears in the second half of the story, the first is just a description of this griffon war. Once the story gets around to addressing the alicorn and his wish to become mortal (which seems to necessarily involve dying) it becomes interesting, but there's not much that is really developed and we don't really get to know him that well.
The third alicorn, by Monokeras
Story: The life of Celestia and Luna's brother, who is basically pony Fate.
There's a lot to like in this story. It's told from the viewpoint of the titular character, in a very archaic style, though the writer manages to consistently get the 'voice' right and keep it interesting - an especially impressive feat as that sort of style doesn't really do it for me. Less successful is the voice of Celestia, who seems to vary between being very regal and giggling out sentences.
The idea of Fate who designs cutie marks is a good one, and I especially liked the exploring of the show canon through this character's perspective. It even used Cadance without setting my teeth on edge. I wouldn't mind reading more about this character!
Prompt: OC Alicorn
The OC alicorn in this story is Celestia and Luna's brother, and the use of him as a very mythical figure feels very natural, and plugs in some existing gaps in the universe, namely 'where do cutie marks come from, explaining them in a satisfying way.
Thanks for the thoughtful review of my story; I think your criticisms are spot-on. If I'd had more time or, more importantly, not been working on two other stories when I started that one, it might've turned out better. Regardless, I'm glad you enjoyed reading it
See, these are the stories I wish more people wrote. No one in this fandom can ever commit. :B
2302792
Sounds like a challenge... and possibly a recipe for making readers upset when they reach the end of the story
Thanks for the review.
I was a bit curious about the 2nd person view prompt so I tried it. Couldn't get the flow for it though.
2304067
You should make readers upset by the end of the story!
Well, unless you're writing a comedy or something.
2304159
In that case my last published story was a phenomenal success
Thank you for taking the time to review all of the stories. What you wrote about my story was spot on. By pointing out the things that were off, you opened my eyes. I should have seen it all, yet I was blind.
2304359 Not a problem! I know how it can be when you've written something and can't see the wood for the trees. A fresh pair of eyes is always good!