"how 2 get feeturd rly qwikly": A Reference Guide · 11:17am Jul 18th, 2014

Pic related. You'll find out how soon enough...

And no, this isn't a rant against the hundreds of clopfics that get featured almost every week (if not every day). They kinda bother me too, but I can find a way to accept them. As history has shown us, porn always was and always will be extremely popular. It's not my position to deny those peoples' needs who want to read these stories, and if that results in tons of recognition for their creators, then I suppose they deserve it. Perhaps the only thing left is for me to test my "write one clopfic and be instantly entered into the 'popular authors' club on FimFic" theory...

All that said, what I'm really on about can be summarized in these five steps:

STEP 1: Come up with an idea that sounds really stupid.
STEP 2: Write a short one-shot around it. Make it as "random" and fill it with as much forced humor as possible.
STEP 3: Give it a title and cover art that contains zero subtlety (or imagination), but instead pretty much sums up the entire story (e.g: "Celestia Falls in Love With a Solar Panel")
STEP 4: ????
STEP 5: ~~PROFIT!~~ GET INSTA-FEATURED!

Now, out of all of these, the overuse of step #3 is the one that bothers me the most, especially since when we only talk about creating something like this, it isn't a necessary step. I like to read the occasional crackfic myself and have nothing against them in general, but what I do despise is the total lack of creativity when it comes to some of them.

You all know the drill: the vast majority of said fics build themselves around a very simple yet completely ludicrous premise, and the story pretty much writes itself from that point onward. The only "mystery" you solve by reading them is that, out of the hundreds of easy-to-do jokes the premise immediately gives you, which ones the author decided to put in there.

You might say there's really no room for high expectations in such a case, and you'd be right. It isn't the content itself that really bothers me, but the way the stories try to sucker people in. After all, crackfics are just the same as any genre when it comes to making your fic popular: there's a billion other stories out there, so you need to find a way to stand out among them. To that end, almost all of these fics sell their entire premise in the title, maybe even in the short description as well, and once you read something as ridiculous as "Rarity Dresses Up as a Wonderbolt and Stalks Rainbow Dash Everywhere" or whatever, then of course you're going to take a look at it. Same goes for the show, by the way, with episode titles like "Too Many Pinkie Pies" and "Rarity Takes Over Manehattan," just to name a few (although the latter could be misinterpreted as the episode where Rarity finally reveals her plans for world domination...)

Going back to what I said about clopfics, those are pretty much the only other stories where you can get away with something like this and not look pathetic. And yet I don't see so many people frown upon crackfics for using the same tricks that clopfics do. On top of that, give an adventure fic (or any "serious" fic) a very "telling" title, and most people will think it's generic, or even a very badly-written story that just isn't worth their attention. "Spike Fights the Other Dragons of Equestria" just doesn't sound as "cool" and inviting as "The Quest of the Purple Flame" or something...

Bottom line is this: I think this method of giving a crackfic a title is a really cheap way to get plenty of recognition, and for me it puts them on the same level as clopfics that basically tell you "THIS IS THE FIC WHERE 'PONY X' BONES 'PONY Y'" in their title. If you write a "random" story, then please at least get creative with the title.

Thank you for your attention! What are your thoughts?

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TheWraithWriter

TheWraithWriter #1 · Jul 18th, 2014 · · ·

STEP 1: Come up with an idea that sounds really stupid.

Check.

STEP 2: Write a short one-shot around it. Make it as "random" and fill it with as much forced humor as possible.

Alternatively, make it a multichapter romp through your clearly damaged psyche.

STEP 3: Give it a title and cover art that contains zero subtlety (or imagination), but instead pretty much sums up the entire story (e.g: "Celestia Falls in Love With a Solar Panel")

Ensure Title is ridiculous in length and in the form of a rhetorical question.

STEP 4: ????

Muffins or something.

STEP 5: ~~PROFIT!~~ GET INSTA-FEATURED!

Or rather the sequel.

Timemaster

Timemaster #2 · Jul 18th, 2014 · · ·

HOW TO GET FEATURED, HiE EDITION:

Step 1: Think of the blandest human ever (preferably a teen)
Step 2: Make this originally bland person become a badass in MLP through magic (he can suddenly scare off everything... somehow)
Step 3: Make him a slave or a magic-man
Step 4: Entire story is about him trying to get home, just like all the others. Add in beastiality.
Step 5: Make it 1000000000 chapters long and have every 1000000 chapters advance the plot, while the others are just filler.
Step 6: YOU WIN!
Step 7: Be forgotten when someone else wins