State of the Writer (angsty) · 4:11pm Jun 27th, 2014
I really hate it when this feeling takes me. This “Why Even Bother” mentality that comes with creativity from time to time. I’m looking at this pile of stories that I’m working on, and it just seems like there’s no point.
This is utter tripe, of course. Well, in a certainly light, it is kind of pointless. Art isn’t really necessary, in my opinion. It’s something we do when our basic needs are met and we have time for imagination and a desire for connection.
However, the point is that connection. I’m not fighting for existence, so I like that crafting process and the transfer of emotion that writing stories for you guys brings. I love mining my brain and bringing out things that readers find interesting.
But from time to time, it feels like that mine is unstable. Each piece of ore that is extracted makes the whole place shake, and as grains of fine rock drift down from the ceiling, I start looking around uneasily. Today is such a day. I have several stories that are half-written that I’m struggling to find the motivation to continue, and Vimbert’s blog kind of depressed me because I can see some of myself in there. I’m a little bit obsessive, too. Not to the degree that Vimbert seems to be, but I get way too invested into this stuff. It’s not healthy sometimes. Fun when it all comes together, but when it doesn’t… well… it’s very hard on me. It’s probably hard on most people, but I really envy those people that can just write and not care about the reaction.
At a certain point, I have to look at myself and ask why I can’t be happy with what I’ve achieved. I’ve had way more success here than I’ve expect, and probably more than I truly deserve, yet I often feel ignored or overlooked. Frankly, this is disappointing for me. I’m not generally a drama queen, but writing has a way of laying my bad sides bare. There are plenty of writers here that are quite a lot better than I am who don’t have anywhere close to the followers, and many writers who are worse with lots more, so obviously it’s not really about strict quality/ability. It has more to do with whether you write in the public taste or not. One day, I hope to be the kind of guy that's not jealous of other people's success, but I'm evidently not there yet.
A big part of the problem is that I feel like I’ve improved a lot, but it still feels like I’m scrambling up the sides of an ant lion trap. I struggle to rise, only to slide back down again as someone more knowledgeable than I am points out all the little ways that I still write like an amateur. But that’s what comes with actually being an amateur, and hopefully that will grow to less and less overtime. I haven’t reached that lessening, though. Still, I can honestly say that I think I’ve gotten better, and that does buoy me some.
Right now, Cheerilee’s Thousand is really what keeps me going. I have commitments to people regarding that story, so I have to go in there and get it done. However, I feel like I’m letting people down with that story a little bit. I don’t think the latest chapters have been terrific, though they aren’t bad either. It’s just that I barely have a moment to myself anymore, and it’s really hard for me to find the time to get anything done. Hopefully I’m just being a little hard on myself, but the Trixie chapter kind of shook me up. It just didn’t really come together like I wanted it to, and that usually doesn’t happen to me. It was upsetting. Strangely, it was one of the more popular chapters in terms of upvotes.
I did begin a new story with Pinkie and Rarity, which I have high hopes for. While still rough, it has a nice feeling to me. It’s nice to see that when I have a couple of uninterrupted hours, I can still get to that place where I’m putting out material that I like. It was the first solitude that I’ve had in months.
So right now, I’m mopey. Several things are weighing heavily on me, but the silver lining is that it will pass. It always passes. I’ve written Peregrine Caged what I think is a fun little Pinkie chapter for his new Album collab. I have two new stories in the works, and Steel and I have written about nine thousand words for the new chapter of First Steps. I have a new Cheerilee’s Thousand chapter brewing and another one two-thirds of the way completed. There is a lot to be positive about.
I’m just having some issues embracing that positivity right now, and that makes me disappointed in myself. Screaming into this blog helps, though. I find the organization of emotion into words to be therapeutic. I’m a person who believe in speaking up, even when no one is listening, so it helps me to have said my piece. I can rest easier that way.
There there. (Internet hug)
Here, Pinkie has some advice for you:
But seriously, it's good that you're letting it out rather than holding it in. And yeah, Vimbert's blog was pretty depressing. At least he's in a better place now it sounds like.
Anyway, if you are feeling down on your current stories, and want a fresh start, I've got plenty of writing prompts. Lord knows I'm never going to get to them all, if you want me to toss out a few.
Have a great day!
2238735 Thanks. I love The Gypsy Bard.
The thing is, I know all that stuff up there is stupid. It doesn't make it any less real, but it know it's childish and lame. It's a part of me that I find irritating and I generally have a good handle on it. It more that right now I'm in a holding pattern until this guy that shares my office gets the new job he wants. Then he'll be out of my hair and I can write in earnest again. Once that happens, I'll be back to my old writing self, and that will make me happy, just as writing for several uninterrupted hours last weekend made me happy. It's more the lack of progress that gets me down. It's hard for me to write in fifteen minute snippets, and I can see the quality of my work going down because of it.
We've all been there. It's good that you understand the depths of the why, the how, and the what, though that doesn't really help much, other than to keep you from breaking down and railing against the innocent, perhaps.
2238739
Also good to hear that the future should be brighter for you soon.
I agree with super trampoline, if you feel like its hard to tell if you are making progress you should try experimenting with new ideas. We all have those 'next big thing' story ideas that we carry with us for years but its not always easy to remain objective about them because our expectations build with time and with them so does the pressure to perform.
The 'Big Ideas' are what keep dragging us back to writing but its the 'stupid and pointless' stories that give us the truer measure of where our skills are at as they aren't weighed down by the authors emotional baggage and can be examined dispassionately.
And dont feel bad about feeling bad either, every artist does this at least once a year.
Actually, I would disagree. Art is very necessary, though not every instance of it is equally. But it's how we reflect on our own existences, and how we share our experience with others in meaningful, memorable ways. Art is part of what makes us human, even if we're ponies. :)