A Bit of Gold · 3:51pm May 31st, 2014
So, my roommate decided to write a review of a story that I didn't wanna bother reading (Seriously, self-insert trash can go jump off a cliff for all I care), but unfortunately it was deleted since the kid couldn't take the heat. It's rare that Valvy posts anything, he usually just handles the TS group if I need him to and occasionally reads stuff, so I was pretty excited to see a new post. He really is a swell guy. I think my asshole has rubbed off on him a bit (hehe).
Anyway, since he doesn't care enough, I figured I'd share it with ya:
Okay, let's see....
We have bright colors in the description, showing that you have enough of a lack of respect for your own work that you can't let it hold itself by its own merit; a description long enough to tell me everything about what's going to happen while mysteriously leaving out the romance between you and Twilight (I'm sorry, your 'OC' and Twilight); and the cliche 'Can these heroes do what they're obviously going to do? Come and see!!' ending. Also, this:
who once helped saved
I can just tell that this is going to be great.
Our story begins in Canterlot, which is home to the most elite ponies in all of Equestria. This is also where its rulers, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, live and watch over all those that live in this grand paradise...as well as maintain the day and night together. Canterlot is was also the home of Princess Celestia’s star student, Twilight Sparkle...until she moved to the town of Ponyville in order to be close to all the new friends she made during her visit so long ago.
Today, Twilight has come back to Canterlot to retrieve some new reading material from the Royal Library. She has plans to study extra hard this week, and learn more than she has before; Perhaps it will be more then she can handle, but the bright and brilliant little unicorn never backs down when it comes to studying and learning all she can.
“Are you in need of any assistance, deary?" The Royal Bookkeeper asks the young student of their most beloved ruler of Equestria when she walks by.
“No thanks. I can handle it.” Twilight answers as she stands at the top of a ladder, while using her magical abilities to levitate a few books off the shelf and down onto the floor.
The Bookkeeper smiles and allows Twilight to resume her search for whatever books she wishes to take home with her, and returns to her duty of dusting and re-organizing, "Very well. But if you change your mind and need any help from one who knows where every book is properly placed and categorized, but let me know~"
"I will." The young streaked maned pony promises and returns to browsing the top shelf of the "Ancient Spells and History" section.
Boy was I right. Your opening starts off like every children's book ever, something that should never happen on a fanfiction site for an older age group. You're telling us stuff that we already know, something that, if they're reading a MLP fanfiction, should never have to be said. We don't need a summary of Canterlot's past/inhabitants, give us descriptions of the place.
The next paragraph continues on in the same manner: elementary reading, explaining everything as if you were talking to a second grader and reading him a bed-time story. The whole point of studying is to learn more than you previously knew; we don't need to know that, nor do we need to know that she'll possibly have difficulty with the studying before it actually happens.
Following this, you throw in some pointless word-counter buffering in the form of 'the young student of their most beloved ruler of Equestria'. Why do you need all of that? You could have simply said 'the young student' and moved on. Then you have the bookkeeper, somebody that would know that Twilight probably knows just as much about that library as she does,say some stupid crap, and then end it with 'but let me know when the start of the sentence opened with 'but'.
Finally, there's this:
The young streaked maned pony promises
First off, it's either streaked mane, or streak-maned. The first one implies that she has streaks in her mane and is used to describe an observation of something. The second one is used as an adjective, which is what you should have used there.
Okay, so it was your first chapter. Maybe you've improved since then and-
The Mane Six gather around the table as Zecora places one of the oldest books in her collection upon it. Carefully opening to the first few pages within, the wise zebra mare begins to scroll through the pages one by one...searching for the very section that holds the answers the little ponies seek.
“So, what exactly are we looking for, Zecroa?” The curious Rarity asks.
“Somewhere within these pages unturned, may lie the answer to how the Darkness has returned,” Zecora answers as she continues searching for the right page.
Twilight notices the pages are old and a bit worn…which reminds her of the book she found in the Royal Library. Unfortunately, she left it behind at the Gala. Whatever befell that little book that might have had some connection to all this, Twilight only hopes, however unlikely, the book is still in once piece...or somewhat.
Well... I stand corrected. Chapter eight and either nothing has changed since you started writing, or this is the pinnacle of your writing capabilities; that is, children's books are.
First, never fucking use the 'Mane Six' as a descriptor for the MAIN six. Secondly, never use Main Six in your story. Never, not even once, has that been used in the show to describe the ponies. Not. Even. Once. I can look over it in the description, you're probably young and don't know any better, but never in the story. It's laziness and stupid.
With that out of the way, we transition right into more pointlessness. You're just telling us what Zecora does. Use descriptions, show us what the zebra is seeing. We know that she's looking for the passage or whatever it is that Twilight and co. need. What we don't know is what else is in that book.
I'll ignore 'the curious Rarity' and move on to your failed rhyming. You rhymed turned with turned. What are you, some modern day rapper? If you aren't going to take the time to create worthwhile and proper dialogue for a character, don't use that character.
Twilight notices the pages are old and a bit worn…which reminds her of the book she found in the Royal Library.
Oh, you mean most books in a library? Please....
Whatever befell that little book that might have had some connection to all this, Twilight only hopes, however unlikely, the book is still in once piece...or somewhat.
That's supposed to be two sentences.
With everything wrong with the story itself laid out, time to talk about your writing. Your grammar isn't terrible, but it's nothing to call home about. You write as if you were telling a story to children, which would explain why it got so popular on deviantart, and you have a terrible habit of abusing said-isms. Those are the 'said, whined, complained, answers, asks, etc.' that run rampant in every line of dialogue you use. All this and I haven't even touched on your need to fulfill your own power- and love-fantasies.
There, you wanted somebody to actually try to read it before providing criticism? It's done. Peppy may not have wanted to do it, and I sure as hell regret it, but it's all you're going to get. And, just remember, even if somebody doesn't take the time to read your story doesn't make anything they say invalid. All that does is show immaturity on your part and a lack of drive to improve, which shows your internal age more than you can realize.
Also, as a final note, here's something that you could make use of:
Enjoy.
The story is 'My Little Pony: The Light of Equestria', for anybody that's curious or wants a point of reference beyond the quotes.
From what I read it doesn't seem like a good fanfic.
2162136 It ain't.
I can just smell the autism/cancer/faggotry.
2165799 It's some funky shit.
"Story does not exist"
Welp.
2171159 Yup, he deleted it the next day.
It's no wonder the guy deleted the story. Seriously, who uses "the little unicorn" to describe Twilight? This is for an audience of dudes and chicks in their late teens and twenties, and he uses THAT do describe one of the main characters?