I'm here, and yet... I'm not · 3:29am Apr 14th, 2014
Dear followers,
I want to tell you guys so badly that I'm here and ready to finally get started on my next big story. I want to tell you guys that I'm ready to finally make this crazy comeback and pump out my next "What is a Name?"
But I can't.
My mom died two weeks ago. After fourteen years of anguish, and three weeks on a ventilator, my brother and I, being her legal power of attorneys, made the painful decision to take her off of life support and finally allow her to rest. She'd wanted to be free of pain for so long, and we agreed that it was about damn time she had that one wish. It shouldn't have been too much to ask in the first place, but life had seemed so desperate to screw her over.
These last two weeks, I've tried so hard to stay on top of things. I've continued to go to the gym twice a day, I've continued to practice the piano and turn in my work on time. I've managed to stay mostly happy in front of people, despite the constant looks of pity I get from my peers and professors.
I've done these things not for my sake, but for hers. All my mother ever wanted was for my brother and I to be happy and healthy. That's all she wanted.
At the end of the day, when I've finally finished putting on this charade for others, I sit down at my computer and I barely know what to do with myself. There's so much to be done this Summer... legally, financially, and emotionally.
I'm so ready to be out of college for the Summer. I can't wait to be back home where people know and understand me, and I can just act the way I god damn feel. I'm so sick of acting happy all the time when I literally feel like my chest is going to explode.
Ugh, listen to me ramble on and on. I'm sorry for dumping this here, but if I put it on Facebook then my phone will just blow up with a fucking pity fest. I don't need pity. I just need to be able to let out how I'm actually feeling. Thanks for putting up with it, I guess.
I'll be my old self again eventually, and hopefully I'll get back to the writing. I just need time to sort this shit out, both in my head and physically.
Peace.
I don't know what to say.
Best of luck, friend. :(
My deepest condolences. If you ever need someone to talk to, You can message me, you, if you prefer, I am also on Skype.
Looking forward to the day you make it through.
As dumb as it sounds, This is actually a good sign. This is how I know you'll be ok.
The fact that you've determined to carry on even to the point of acting like everything is alright is a sign that you're still moving with the world.
When I had my trial, I stopped in that point in time and refused to keep walking. It wasn't until I cracked a smile, however fake, and forced myself forward inch by inch that I started to recover.
You're always in my thoughts man.
Don't even apologize for needing time to yourself. These kinds of things are a lot more important than entertaining us, so take as long as you need.
Sorry man.
One day at a time. I'm sure you've made your mother proud.
When you get the chance, go to the woods or the mountains. Something to get you away from people for a while. Sounds like you need to have some time to yourself.
Praying for you guys.
May the best of fortune be with you
May the odds be ever in your favor.
No, seriously, I mean that. I hope everything goes OK for you.
I can't begin to describe how that might feel... but you don't want pity so... I just want to tell you that your problems are much more important than entertaining us readers, all comments below and possibly above think the same:
That you should take your time, clear your thoughts and when you really feel like it, come back, we will be waiting for you.
And don't forget, you are always here, even if you are not,
In those's thoughts that clicked on that follow button next to your profile and commented on this post, they all miss you.
We will be waiting man, don't even apologize for taking time.
Everything will get better eventually.
Stay strong mate!
I can't even begin to imagine that feeling. I don't know you, I don't know your brother, and I didn't know your Mom, but from what you wrote, I can tell that she loved you and you loved her. She left a mark on you two, and I'd like to believe a little part of her lives on in you and your brother. Keep her memory alive in your heart, and don't cry that its the end. Smile for the memories, smile again for the good times, and smile for a new beginning. because really, endings are only beginnings in disguise, and wherever she is now, I'm sure she's smiling too, wondering what kind of trouble you'll get yourself into next.
Sorry if posting this brought up things you'd rather not think about, but I hope it helps, even just a tiny bit. Peace, and wherever you may go in life, I hope you can find happiness there.