So, I calmed down, and now I can talk... · 7:52pm Apr 10th, 2014
Captain's Log. Star Date: JD 2456758.
It is the start of day three of my proclaimed hiatus from fimfiction.net. I have run out of planned events to write about in my RWBY story, and have decided to take a few days off to brainstorm before throwing myself back into my writing, including the suspension of my 2,000 word per day goal. I am not certain if this is a good idea, but I do know that I plan on spending less time laying in bed the next few days and more outside, perhaps taking a walk or finding some place I can clear my head.
"Clear my head." Heh. That's something I can't see myself doing easily.
Penn out.
Hello, fellow adventurers.
So, I've taken a couple days to calm down and spend time with a couple close friends of mine, and I think that I may finally be ready to talk about what has happened and the reason for my hiatus.
So, over the past couple of months, I've been losing my motivation for everything outside of my stores. While I tried to maintain regular-ish updates here, I lost interest in and stopped attending my classes. I gave up on my grades and stopped caring about college. I just wanted to go home, but even that wasn't something I wanted too badly. Mostly, I just didn't want to move from where I was or get active. I was tired of everything. I stopped eating regularly. I still can only really eat one meal a day, my body is just so used to it. I hardly left/leave my room for anything other than food and Brony Club meetings. I fell back on old habits and/or addictions with a vengeance. (Don't worry, I'm not drinking or doing drugs or anything like that.) I was somewhere between Tony Stark's breakdown in Iron Man 2 and Lilo's "leave me to die" scene in Lilo and Stitch.
Eventually, upon finding out about my mental atrophy, my mother urged me to get help. When I sat down to write one night and found myself unable to wrench myself from my continual despair long enough to write something, I finally agreed with her.
So, questioning myself over and over again, I made my way to the "BYU Stress Relief and Psychiatric Aid" Center. It was one of the toughest walks I've ever had to take, but luckily I had by buddy Lexomancer right by my side to walk me there. As I filled out forms, I found myself agreeing with a disturbing number of the survey questions about my mental state. Finally, a man appeared and I was sent in to have a long talk with him. Unloading everything that had been on my mind was a relief, and he was courteous and understanding. He seemed to ask all of the right questions. After talking for some time, he finally had a diagnosis for me: depression.
It seems that I have depression, and have been dealing with it going untreated for more than two months, now. It's been crippling me for a long time, and I never even knew it was there.
This actually came as a huge shock to me. I'd lived most of my life up until this point practically at Pinkie Pie levels of cheerfulness and pep! I seriously didn't know how to react or even how to comprehend it... Finding out actually sent me spiraling into an even worse state, but I've been getting help and support from good friends to try and help me through it.
I knew that I couldn't work on fimfiction for a while. With the depression overexaggerating the downsides and faults of things, this would only feel like being enslaved to and working for the same stories and characters over and over again. So I decided that I needed to take a break until I could get my life sorted out.
Do I FEEL like my life is sorted out? No, not at all. I still feel horrible. But now I understand why. And understanding is going to lead me to the strength to fight it. At this point, I don't know if I'm going to need medication, but I suspect that I will if I can't find some way to pull myself from this two-month ditch I've dug to wallow in.
You guys don't have to send links to stuff like "Smile Smile Smile" or give me your ways to cheer up, I don't think it'll help. I need to find my own ways. All that I really can ask for is support. Your messages and your comments always make me smile.
I'm sorry that I need to be gone for a while, but I will be willing to open up the RWBY story to those who send me a PM asking to read it, that way you can all still have something to read from me.
So anyway, that's my current state and what has led up to it. I have depression, and it's a problem with my brain I can't seem to shake off. As Tomska put it in his video about depression: "I'm a little bit broken in the brain place! But... I'm going to get better."
So until next time, I wish you all the happiest of adventures.
-Pennington Inkwell
I hope you get better soon! I too am feeling a bit depressed right now because I've recently realized I haven't got any true friends.
I guess I should thank you. If it wasn't for one of your blog posts I never would have found FIMFiction and all the wonderful stories here which cheer me up and give me something to do other than wallow in pity. The thing that makes me the happiest, however, is when you update a story or post a blog post. The blog posts are always refreshing and funny, and I'm always up for another adventure with Penn, Moonstone and the rest.
If I hadn't found that blog post, well, my life would probably be a lot worse. Thank you, for helping me, and if there is any way I can help you, like you helped me, please, just ask.
butnowwhat.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Just-Ask-Logo.jpg
1997778 While I agree with you, I do feel the need to point out that clinical depression is much more than a feeling of sadness. It is an actual condition that affects the person even if there is no reason to feel that way. I'm not trying to play down how you feel, but I'm not sure if you and Pennington have the same condition.
Anyway, I hope you feel better and are able to conquer your depression. I recommend looking on youtube for some inspirational talks about it. I can't remember the one I'm thinking of in particular, but they are out there and might be able to help
1997841 I know, I didn't mean it like that, I just feel kinda... hopeless and melancholic. I feel something I can only describe as being depressed. I'm probably not depressed clinically, but that word is the best I could think of. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png
Survivor's Log. Star Date: JD 2456759.
Another day without the captain, all chaos has died down to a lukewarm bordeom. Smith finally recovered from his fiction withdrawl, Poor guy, he was awaiting so eagerly for the next dose of awesome that the captain provided us with. He took it the harshest of all. But we will make do with re-reading his previous works. They're still good the second and third time around. Wait, hold on a second, Klinglons are attacking, I'll continue this on another date.
-Survivor aboard the I.L.F.I.M. Fiction.
Ah I'm just joking, hope you have a fun adventure on your break Penn, Everyone needs a break once and a while!
Hey Penn,
Speaking from having dealt with depression myself, I can only feel like I should at least try to impart some of what got me through it.
I can certainly suggest excercise, particularly alongside someone else. It'll help you set a routine, you'll feel better in general, and doing it with someone else makes you more likely to stick to it.
Take it or leave it as you will, but I just figured I would drop these here. I'm sure whatever therapist you'll be seeing will have plenty of other tips, and I'm sure you'll come up with your own strategies too. Hang in there, Pennington, we're all pulling for ya!
-fb