Diamond Tiara Buys a Little Sister headed for the EqD queue this weekend · 5:02am Feb 26th, 2014
If you feel like looking over the Google document of Diamond Tiara Buys a Little Sister and leaving any comments before I put it in the EqD queue again, I would welcome the feedback.
It was rejected with no strike because of two reasons: I hadn’t totally finalized the document and I was still unhappy with the low amount of heart-rending emotional ripping at the end of the second chapter, which of course the EqD pre-reader spotted and pointed out.
Man, there’s nothing more frustrating than having a problem, other than to have other people notice it too. Sigh.
Anyway, I’ve changed a number of things and I think improved the ending by about two cardiac chambers, twelve tears and a pint of blood. I may not get you hard-hearted creatures to burst into tears, but I expect a small sniffle or two, and perhaps a rapid blink. Most of the changes are below the word 'Tuesday' in the document if you've already read through it once.
Enjoy!
(brief spoiler below the page break)
Those annoying Cutie Mark Crusaders have always been a pain in Diamond Tiara’s flank, but Rainbow Dash adopting Scootaloo as a little sister is the last straw. Now Diamond Tiara is off to the Ponyville Hospital to shop for a new little sister of her own, but she should be careful.
She may just get more than what she expected.
Editing assistance by Peter and Seether00
(Sneak Peek - Midway through Chapter 1)
“Nevermind.” As the foal nursed, the mare shifted positions, staring at the far wall with a bitter expression as if the wall were a mirror into all of the bad decisions of her past. “My personal life seems to be one long failure at planning. I really didn’t expect to be in Ponyville of all places giving birth, but the train conductor didn’t think I would make it back to Manehattan with as close as my contractions were. Hay, I really didn’t expect to get pregnant either time. There hasn’t been a good stallion in my life since I was a lot younger and foolish.”
She giggled as the little foal snorted a milk bubble, shaking her little head to get rid of the tickle on its nose before nuzzling back up into Rose’s belly and hunting for the source of her meal again. Diamond Tiara considered for a moment before asking, “So your first foal went to live with her daddy, right?”
Rose shifted uncomfortably while looking out the window. “No. I never told him. I must have written fifty letters, but I tore them all up and threw them away. He was a hard-driving businesscolt with no time for a family and I was just a young filly, recently fired from my last job and scared out of my mind. I loved him so much, but I just couldn’t…”
She swallowed while the foal nursed, finally returning to her story after a subdued sniff. “I just slipped away one night and never went back. When she was born, I gave her up for adoption before I even saw her. Changed my name, dyed my mane, and went to work selling currycombs and manebrushes.” Rose traced a gentle hoof through the little filly’s silvery mane before setting her hoof back on the ground for stability.
“So, does this one have a daddy?”
From the wince and frown that her comment triggered, the topic was a sensitive one, but her little sister took that moment to head-butt Rose in the belly again, and by the time the mare had the little foal arranged again, her face had resumed its normal distant smile.
“Well, it’s difficult to have one without a daddy.” Rose shook her head at Diamond Tiara’s blank look and sighed. “No. Nopony stepped forward in the last eleven months, and whoever it is probably doesn’t even know. There was a lot of booze at the party.
I've had a look through and it's good, very good. (I've added a few comments)
The happy ending is a little bit jarring, sort of expected but it is a jump. Maybe another story later to fill in the gap?
maybe. I sanded and put some filler on the gap, as well as a few little hints as to how Filthy Rich knew where to find Diamond Tiara's orphanage.
So how, is this going, have you submitted?
1911593 Current status: Muffinexplosion has created a beautiful picture for the story, and will publish it Friday, at which point I will submit Chapter 1 for Fimfiction publication, and send the story to EqD again. Then Saturday at around midnight/1am I'll publish chapter 2, and mark it complete.
So I can probably expect to see it in the featured box for most of the weekend then.