Your Antagonist and The Quest For The Incredibly Difficult 'Escort' (Hooker) · 4:06am Feb 21st, 2014
Howdy, Antagonist here,
Some people drink. Some people smoke. Some weirdos watch my little pony (ahem). I like hooke— escorts. Mind you not the type that comes with a string that leads directly back to some cheesy pimp in a rather ballin' suit, but those of the independent persuasion, working for themselves. It's like 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' except it's totally butter, just y'know, butter without a pimp slapping the shit out of it for not making a sufficient amount of scratch per night. Is there anything wrong with normal ladies? Absolutely not, but therein lies the problem. No risk, no fun. Plus hookers do things that normal girls just will not do or just won't do well.
Back on track. So last Friday was payday and after spending five hours and $100, while somehow managing to lose (not spend, LOSE) $164 in a completely separate side venture I decided, to start applying the legendary relentlessness I inherited from my mother to find a lady of the evening via a certain website I'd rather not mention here and no it's not Craigslist, though that's always an acceptable option if you know where to look (I do). I found two options and believe me when I tell you that I wish I went with the one I didn't go with.
Now before delve any deeper into this ludicrous tale please take a moment to familiarize yourself with the prize my baser urges sought to claim for a short time. Got it? Good, we're all on the same page then. So I set out in pursuit of that rather loose beauty, but mind you, I don't have a car, I'm taking cabs... which take about an hour to get to where I live for some odd reason. So, I arrive at the hotel I was told to make my incall* at and I call her as per her instructions. And I call again. And I text, and call and text until finally she texts back.
After a short dialogue, she informs me that the hotel my nice warm cab dropped me off at wasn't even the one she was in. A landmark she called it. The fuck!? After further dialogue, she tells me that she's at a hotel 0.70 miles away. Not too far away, right? Well take this into account: This story takes place at 12AM (0000) in <25 degree weather with hella snow on the ground and I'm using phone GPS that tells me as such (remember this vital detail, kids). Can you guess what I did next? I'll give you a hint: I saved money and ran my ass over to the right hotel. If your answer was that I saved money and ran my ass over to the right hotel, you deserve some sex. Everyone else should kneel in a corner.
So I run over to the right hotel this time and receive instructions to go to the fourth floor and call her when I get up there because she won't give me the damn room number. I figure 'Okay, too easy.' And head up to the fourth floor. Once there I pull out my phone and make the call ...and my phone dies... at 15% battery. If you believe in god, then whichever one you pray to pimpslapped the shit out of my joy at that moment in time and confirmed the old adage that iPhones suck because I tried to turn on my phone over and over again and it just kept dying at 15% battery.
So, because Ms. 'Kitty' as her alias goes was too afraid of me being a cop to give me her damn room number guess what I get to do now? Hunt for a damn phone charger... at 12:30PM. Again if there were no snow on the ground, this would be a simple and easily remedied ordeal. But there was snow on the ground, and I had to brave the snow a second time, find a gas station a quarter mile up the road to buy a damn phone charger and cable (the charger didn't work by the way -.-) so I could go back to the hotel and call this paranoid trick.
To sum things up, I did FINALLY get in touch with her at about 0100ish and I was $60 and a load of ejaculate lighter for my ordeal, but holy fuck, you remember the picture I shared with you earlier? Allow me to paint you a picture using the following picture as a canvas:
That pretty much sums it up in a nutshell. Now, she wasn't ugly by any means, but she certainly wasn't the burger on the left either. Thorough disappointment, but I should have known better. I still had fun.
If you take anything from this, kids, let it be that sometimes the gold ingot you relentlessly pursue sometimes turns out to be a squashed muffin wrapped in gold foil; not always bad, but certainly not all it's cracked up to be and definitely not worth the effort you put in... but try to enjoy the journey, anyway? I had fun and as agitating as this experience was, I still had a good time.
Loathe,
Your Antagonist
*Incall- when you go to an escort's location. Exercise caution, it might be a sting operation.
Outcall- When an 'escort' comes to you
Women.
That was probably the most unique story I've ever heard. You definitely live a more interesting life than me.
Dont care. Had sex.
Well this was a manly story.
So, you had you fair share of "Faith fucks with me" ... lol...
If you ever travel through Germany... visit our Red-Light-Districts... all fair, clean, nice and Legal *gnarf*
*minutes later + still highly amused*
P.S. Genius blog~
Haha, still counts, though.
Epic blog. Mustache for you.
Doesn't matter had sex.
TIL to never ever again leava home without my phone charger.
Damn that is one fine black booty, though. You did kinky things to make it worth all the trouble, right?
Man it must be hard not living in Germany, where you could as the nearest cop to direct you to the escort agency of your choice...
They'd still look at you funny, though. We aren't that advanced.
1858974 Canada has finally caught up on that fact as well, though some of the cops are less on board with it than others sadly...
Either way, Impressive to see how much Murphy likes to blueball you.
1858319 second.
PProbably frustrating as hell, but certainly interesting.
Why can't we fav blog posts?