How to Make YOUR Blurb/Description Better

So, I've been spending a fair bit of time here. It's a site for writers, similar to Fimfiction, but a tad more... general.

While there, I found threads where people needed help with various things, from summaries to blurbs to whatever. And I love helping them. While showering today, the thought crossed me, why was I helping them instead of the people here? This is my home on the internet and these are my ponies. This is the place I should be helping.

So, with a thin, thin layer of egotism wiped off, I decided to drag the thread here.

Post your summary/description/blurb below and I'll tell you what I think.

DO NOT post links, DO NOT post an entire chapter and DO NOT ask me to read your entire story. If I like what I see, I'll check it out on my own terms.

I don't want anything in return. The responses will be quick, but if it gets busy, please give me a few hours to post back to you. I do have stories of our own, and, on occasion, enjoy a leisurely amount of sleep.

Thank you and post away!

Comments

[Tentacle Slaphappy]

Hi. I would really like if you could give you're opinion on this, if it sounds interesting enough to read, right format, etcetera.

"Heh, enjoy yourself!"
"NO! You can't leave me here!"
"I'll be back in one week. In the mean time, try and continue writing, why don't you?"
"Aggghhhh!"

Just write, they said. I'll be fun, they said. And what do you know? Maybe you'll actually enjoy yourself... A blatant lie at it's worst. I am The Writer and I am going insane. When you're locked in a tiny room with nothing but a keyboard, computer, and a slowly devolving mind, who is to say where your mental faculties will end up?

[RavensDagger]

1748581
Most certainly, friend! Dig the profile picture, by-the-by.

Let's start!

Hmm, you have some good here, and some not-so-good.

Starting your description with dialogue is always risky. On the one hoof, you could get the reader intrigued with your character's voice. On the other, the voice is face-less unless you use a main character that's well know or really know how to write dialogue.

My honest opinion would be to simply cut out all the dialogue at the start. Your second section, with the "I am The Writer" is very good on its own.

Keep it up! Maybe add just a tad more, then polish it up and you’ll have gold.

[ImChangingmynameforreaso]

Fuck it, I shall make use of your services. Inform me of what you think about this:

Short:

Flight 19 disappears and ends up in an unfamiliar country filled with unfamiliar people. Or ponies.

Long:

Flight 19, one of the many disappearances over the Bermuda Triangle. But maybe they didn't just disappear? Maybe they went somewhere else? The Bermuda Triangle is a very strange place, full of unknowns and horrible tales. This is the tale of Flight 19.

[ToixStory]

I'll post the one I'm least sure about, for an upcoming story. Usually I copy the ones from Netflix and apply them to my own, so I don't have as much a problem.

Since the Changelings attacked with their Windigo allies, ponykind has been confined within the Crystal Empire, protected by the souls of Cadence and Shining Armor and governed by Twilight Sparkle. After thirty years of peace, the Changelings return, and prompt Twilight, Pinkie Pie, and their friends to journey away from their refuge and face what lies outside.

Meanwhile, in the Everfree Forest, Fluttershy remains to care for the ponies and animals under her protection. The forest is on the move, and it is up to her to fight for what she has left in the coming war between nature and monster. If she can find her friends in time, they may be able to put a stop to the war once and for all.

Also, nice to see you enjoying Wattpad! I'll eventually be switching all my prose over there, so it'll be nice to have a friendly face.

[RavensDagger]

1748626
I won't poke at the short one. I hate short ones.

Let's start!

Okay, first off, damned intriguing. You have more questions piled on here than Twilight reading a Rarity-Spike clopfic. No, that analogy made no sense. Let's move on.

Your first two lines are the only ones I have a bit of issue with. You could phrase this better. Improve it. Judging from the title, we already know that the subject is "Flight 19,” you can work outwards from there and perhaps add just a tinge more about the characters. Or not. This is a mystery (I presume) and vagueness is your ally.

Also, beware high entropy words. Using "tale" twice in quick succession makes my inner reader twitch. It's not wrong, per se, but it's annoying to some.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Well, since you're offering...

Twilight Sparkle has fulfilled her destiny, ascending to alicornhood. But now that she's earned her wings, she faces a troubling question: She's a princess, yes, but princess of what?

[RavensDagger]

1748632

I copy the ones from Netflix and apply them to my own, so I don't have as much a problem.

Holy crap you are a genius.

Right, let's begin.

I’ll be a bit rougher with you, since you can take it like a man (hehe).

Your first line is long. As in, very long. Maybe cut it a bit shorter and toss in the governance information later in the description, or not at all. In fact, you could rewrite this and turn the return of the changeling into the first paragraph’s focal point.

After thirty years of relative peace, the changelings and their windbags returned. blah, blah, Stuff about all of Equestria being holed up in the Crystal Empire.

Of, and the line that goes “The forest is on the move” is awkward. Read it outloud, you’ll see what I mean. Most of the second bit’s gold.

Also, you ripping from AoT?
Alsox2, Wattpad is hella hard to get good at. The system can only be gamed a little and it's painstaking to grab any attention whatsoever.

[ImChangingmynameforreaso]

1748641 Ewww, I didn't even notice that (using tale twice, I mean. Thanks for that). Also, what do you mean by improve the first two phrases? Can I get an example?

[RavensDagger]

1748661
Examples cost extra....

...

Oh, fine!

They faded away over the Bermuda Triangle. Or perhaps they didn’t.

[RavensDagger]

1748655

Ah, this is nice and concise. Unless you plan on divulging more information, then keep this the way it is. Good work.

[ImChangingmynameforreaso]

1748667 Seen.

How about:

A routine flight brings inexperienced pilots to lose themselves in the Bermuda Triangle. But maybe they didn't just disappear? Maybe they went somewhere else? The Bermuda Triangle is a strange place, full of unknowns and horrible tales. This is the tale of Flight 19.

[Malus Scriptor]

1748626
Also don't use 'very' if you can help it.

[ToixStory]

1748659

Also, you ripping from AoT?
Alsox2, Wattpad is hella hard to get good at. The system can only be gamed a little and it's painstaking to grab any attention whatsoever.

Yes, yes I am ripping from AoT, though not as much as one of my other story descriptions. Like I said, I steal from the people who get paid to write 'em.

Oh, and I am aware of how hard it is. Luckily, I have a good chance of getting published for payment in other places, so I could use that to build a base, along with the tips on that one forum post about the tips and tricks. Because it is a game, and every game can be won. Thanks for the help!

[Tentacle Slaphappy]

1748683
For what reason should he not/avoid using the word 'very'?

[LoneUnicornWriter]

Hmm... well this is the description to a fic I may publish, I don't know. Just wanted to hear you opinion on it.

Two years after Twilight had been crowned Princess of Equestria. Princess Luna began jealous again, but an unknown cause. What started out as small conversations turned into an argument between her and Celestia in the throne room. The argument kept on progressing, and Luna bounced the mirror over causing it to crash and shatter into pieces. Thus bringing about a huge ripple affect in their world and another universe.
Two beings who were also siblings step into the world and infuse with the royal sisters. The sisters became even more powerful than ever before and had an epic battle ending the world in which we had all knew and loved.
Three hundred years has passed since that time, many things were brought about the world. New rules have been set in motion and those trying to reverse it died trying.
It is now up to Candy Cake and his friends to try and reverse the horrible effect that has covered the face of their world by defeating the foes that caused such disaster.

[RavensDagger]

1748715

It's a lazy word. In a description it's okay. But in normal prose, the word "very" usually replaces a point in the writing where you should Show rather than Tell.

The pony was very big.
Vs,
The pony towered above the rest.

[RavensDagger]

1748682

Oh, not bad. Plus you introduce your main cast too. Nice.

[Niloss]

Well, this story isn't pony related, but since you're offering.

Remus Crowe, a retired captain from the civil war, is talked into taking in a blind young lady for a week to care for her while her family in the North settles a land ownership dispute. Instead of the quiet week he'd hoped for, Crowe finds himself struggling to cope with both her disability and her race in a white-dominated South American town.

[RavensDagger]

1748731

Go over it again, slowly, reading it out loud if possible. You have the right idea, though it is a bit long. Try to correct some of your grammar here and there (you use the wrong words sometimes) and then come back. Bad grammar will make many turn away faster than a Trekkie meeting George Lucas.

Also, check your tense and person. You can only pick one, so stick to it.

[LoneUnicornWriter]

1748757 Alright, I'll do that. Thanks.

[RavensDagger]

1748744

Remus Crowe?

Really?

That's like calling your character Bassass McNinjaKiller. Not that it's a bad thing....

Okay, onto the actual thing!

You have some good things going for you here. Notably, there's a good story already presented and we know about the characters already. Brilliant so far.

Where you seem to have trouble is with the lenght of your sentences. Try reading them out loud without running out of breath. It's not the easiest thing. Find places to cut your sentences, and remember: one idea per sentence.

Keeping that in mind should help you improve a bit, I hope.

[Niloss]

1748774
Maybe I should rename him. Maybe something along the lines of "Badass McNinjaKiller," I was thinking?

Ahh, isolating ideas, my only weakness!

And thanks for the advice. This is my first serious story, so it's going to be a long haul from here on out. Best to get off on the right foot.

[ImChangingmynameforreaso]

1748742 Not bad, but it can be better?

[RavensDagger]

1748828 Everything can be made to be better. I just don't know how.

[JustAnotherTimeLord]

During a freak storm from the Everfree in winter, Fluttershy is visited by a peculiar visitor.

Bring it, Raven.

[RavensDagger]

1748996
WAit, it needs approval from the Redundancy Department of Redundant Redundancies Department [RDRRD].

[thispenguinisdead]

Ooh, can you have a look at mine? I'd like to know what you think.

The fields of magic in the human world are finicky things, only accepting those men with special knowledge and potential. When a man is deemed unsatisfactory, they attempt to correct him, to make him as useful as possible to fulfill their desires.

So what happens when they decide that a man should not be a man?

[RavensDagger]

1749094

Yeah, you don't need my "quick fix" or anything. If I try I'd just be wasting time looking for really, really tiny details. Good work.

[thispenguinisdead]

1749169
Wow, really? I thought it wasn't that great. Thanks!

[JustAnotherTimeLord]

1749030
How long will that be?

[ImChangingmynameforreaso]

1748835 Touche. Thanks, mate.

[Tramper]

Huh, that's a neat thing. I've got one that's been worrying me for quite a while now, an opinion would be appreciated:

All magic left the world when Discord fell. With it, so did the power that fuelled the alicorn princesses and the unicorns. The Elements of Harmony lost their potency and were lost in time, with only legends remaining of them. Without the guidance of the alicorns or the magic of harmony, the ponies soon raised Equestria to a country ruled by science and industry. Yet, there are still ponies who dream of magic.

Six of them are fillies from Canterlot. Join, as Twilight Sparkle, Trixie Lulamoon, Lyra Heartstrings, Octavia Quarternote, Derpy Hooves, and Raindrops take it upon themselves to find the fabled Lunarium far beneath Canterlot's surface. Hunted by the mysterious creature Magia, and driven on by strange voices, they must face the dangers of the Lunarium to have any chance at restoring Equestria.

[CBM8]

This story isn't out yet, but I have the tentative long & short descriptions:

Short:

Two separate discoveries lead to a boost in Equestria's economy, with brutal consequences.

Long:

Applejack finds a strange plant growing on on the edge of Sweet Apple Acres. Pinkie finds some large, powdery white rocks on her farm. They become some hot commodities at the market. But what makes them so special? Equestria will wish they had never found out.

I'll let any of you take a gander at what it's about.

[RavensDagger]

1750260 Huh, that's pretty cool. No, really, you have nothing to worry about.

[Tramper]

1750568 Thanks. Now I can actually put that off my mind.

[secret89]

Not sure if you're still looking at summaries or not, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to give it a shot. The following is from a story I've already published, Legacy of the Pegasi. I never actually ran the summary by anyone for critique, which I'm sort of regretting now.

The history books say that Commander Hurricane and his lieutenants Lightning Streak and Ice Wing successfully brought the Pegasi nation into a firm alliance with the other races, establishing a new nation under the Royals in Equestria. Yet, time tends to forget the darker details of history. Not everypony was happy to see the mighty and miltant pegasi subdued under the 'beneficial' union with the other races. The ensuing internal struggle would fade into pegasi myth, a secret long thought laid to rest...

Thousands of years later three orphans would find themselves confronted by a ancient pegasi myth, one that would strike closer to home than any of them could have realized. Soarin' and Rainbow Dash lost their parents in a cataclysmic storm the likes of which had not been seen in centuries. For these two, the absence shaped their lives, how they came to define themselves, and an urge to discover what happened to their parents. But when the mysterious force strikes again only years later, producing another orphan in the form of Scootaloo, the three will embark on a journey of danger and discovery not only to save the land, but will become bound together in ways they could not have imagined.

Though this has been the description since publication, I'm considering deleting the second paragraph altogether. It's bugged me for a while. It sounds awkward, and I think it probably delves into details that are better left to the story itself.

Any insight you have would be appreciated.

[RavensDagger]

1773097

Can you rewrite it?

But keep it under 200 words.