And thus AVAtS has come to a close. · 2:09pm Aug 2nd, 2013
It was a very strange thing for me to click the 'completed' button; I really didn't wish to do it. Yet, at the same time Jessica, Ebony, Minder and the girls, their story has been told. Does that mean it is the end for them?
Heck no!
When I started writing I never knew I would get so attached to my characters, but I have. Looking back at chapter one, which... well, we'll get to that, all the way to the epilogue I can see how they've grown and changed. I almost feel like a proud parent watching their child ride a bike for the first time. And then in Ebony's case sass it.
So, after it all I am taking a break from writing for a bit. Of course, this will only be for a week or two, but I am already finding myself typing. A side story is already underway, and for those curious of its content, it involves the foalings experiencing their first Nightmare Night. The side stories, for the most part will be 'Slice of Life' just a little bit of fun here and there. They will take place between the end of AVAtS and the planned sequel.
Now, onto the nitty gritty. I have started delving into the list of stories people recommended, and I am finding myself amazed at the writing quality of others. Looking back at my first few chapters, I am a little ashamed of them. Milo and Treilacl have done a fantastic job aiding me, and I am eternally thankful for them putting up with my sometimes ditzy nature... however!
I really want to tackle my story, perhaps even get it up to the standard to submit to EQD... why? Well because I was asked by a few people to try... and given last time I took such a dare I ended up writing this, I can't think of a reason not to attempt it. ^-^;
I do know I am lacking in basic knowledge, such as comma usage, pronouns and the like. So, to stop my rambling, I am looking for anyone willing to aid me in this. I will of course nudge the Proofreader Group, and I have done so previously, but I thought I would ask here first. It is a large task, I see how big my story now is... but it never hurts to ask!
Also, after the deed is done and they wished to assist with other projects, even ones in progress, I would not say no. ^-^;
Ultimately however, I need someone to help me as I need to see what I am doing wrong and the correct way to do it. So, anyhow... that is my question of the day, that is, if anyone is interested in the monumental task of getting AVAtS up to standard.
Also, I am working on the first chapters for the other projects at the moment, along with the aforementioned side story. Once they are done I will begin on the re-telling, named: A Stranger Among the Voices.
Thank you for your time and thank you all once more for encouraging me to continue writing!
PS: Also, new arts!
Well, I'm not great with pronouns, was taught very little for me sadly, but I can easily help with comma usage, one of my stronger areas.
pronouns, I might possibly be able to help, not that great but if no one else says yes then I will gladly help :)
I would be happy to help. I've been told I'm good at catching all the odd things many editors seem to miss.
My english, well, is lacking, but eh.. I still will be rooting for you to get in and beat out all those really irked shipping fics they seem to love. As this needs to be in there for so many more to see.
I'd be more than happy to providemy grammar nazi services.
Though a word to the wise. Even if the story is perfect, this story still has a pretty low chance of getting on EqD. Stories that are accepted are personally reviewed by site admins. And most of the site Adkins hate HiE. They will nitpick the tiniest, most asinine things in order to deny a story.
New art?
I would offer but I am more of a continuity, canon, characterization, plot hole, obvious error, awkward phrasing kind of proofreader. Sentence structure, passive/active voice and nitty gritty punctuation are not my forte.
That said I spotted very few errors throughout.
Issues I might want you to address as they are not specifically problems but could use clarity are:
1: While Jess runs a healthy gamut of emotions from happiness to sadness, anger and fear, she never gets what I'd term "casually pissed". I don't expect her to be flippant or sassy as Ebony is, but even Fluttershy has a balance between righteous anger and demurely shy. She never gets willfully annoyed, punches a wall, throws her hands up, gets stubborn. The closest was her indignance at anyone seeing her nude.
2: Towards the beginning it was understandable that Jess would have trouble believing most of the ponies would be with her for friendship. After all she doesn't know how friendly the mane 6 are in general nor how respected and cool she is for saving Dinky. And she's not super enthused about interacting with them due to her trauma and wariness. But towards the end, her never assuming that the ponies who are around her most of the time actually like her seems odd. Her self esteem and depression do not appear to be the cause since she got over those, but otherwise it's like she has no ego to speak of, which is really weird. They have obvious reasons to like her, so why is she so oblivious?
3: This is more of a logic issue than a storyline one. But how do the foalings understand the concept of "Mama"? I mean if they are communally raised and have no problems switching attachments from Minder to Jess for initially pragmatic reasons (food source)... I don't doubt that they could come to love her as a caretaker and guardian, but the concept of a parent as well as the terms that go along with it should not be an instinct in them.
As for EqD, keep in mind that you have different prereaders with different views on writing and stresses on different technical aspects. What one says may be adjusted by what the next one does on resubmission. Also remember that where a technical issue alters the style of your writing too much or where a story issue is not something you would be willing to change, you can chat back and forth and maintain dialogue with the prereaders to argue your case there.
I might be the only one to say it, but meh... here it goes
Screw equestria daily.
Why? Partly because (IMO) they don't have a very good sense of quality... Sometimes when quality stuff does make it on there it is mislabeled or some stupid little thing like that.
I really don't feel like rambling, so I'm just going to say... If you spend a lot of time "fixing up" your fanfic for an equestria daily submission, don't feel bad because it was rejected or ignored or they tell you why your grammar sucks. To me its not worth the emotional stress from being rejected or ignored, so I don't go there anymore.
Right now as your fanfic sits, I'd call it perfect.
The standards for EQD are ridiculously wonky. By all means improve what you think needs improved upon, but don't do it for EQD's sake.
Don't stress out too much about getting into EQD.
It's a great goal to have, however getting there can be really tough. It partially depends on who you get as the moderator/reader. Some are super picky while others are kinda laid back.
So my advice? Fix up your work because you want to, and don't stress out a out EQD
1257920
Hmmm. Let's see what I can do here.
1) She has been annoyed a few times, primarily at herself... or her mental facilities, but also in some situations. Anger, like with Blueblood or Flim & Flam, not to mention the changelings has been displayed. Annoyance itself, that is up for debate how often though. The only one that sticks out in my mind without reading completely through would be at herself. Primarily when she was trying to learn the language initially and got ahead of herself.
I guess Jess just isn't the type to vent her frustrations. She seems more the type to blame herself over others, with rare exceptions like the above. Would need to think on that, but I feel that's just how she is. She has been stubborn a few times in her actions, like the nudity, but also on protecting the changelings in the cave from the guards.
2) I think this is more her mental state for her not trusting. She trusts Ebony, Minder and the foalings without a doubt. However, Luna she didn't trust completely until the incident with Starswirl. The others, she acknowledges they are kind to her and friendly several times from memory, but she continues to have lingering doubts. This continues right up until chapter 12 where she isn't fooled by her mind trying to entertain dark thoughts.
I guess once bitten, twice shy. I did try to make her a little oblivious as one of her vices. Hmmm, you do have a point though.
3) The Foalings understand the concept of mother due to their viewing of the interaction with Dinky and Derpy, and what Minder and Ebony inform them of. They are newly hatched, so nature vs nuture is in effect. They see Jess as their primary food giver, and generally since the queen is thus, they latch onto her. Normally, a hatchling would then be raised by the hive, but in this case Ebony and Minder saw how happy Jess was with them, and vica versa and thus allowed it to develop.
They learnt the terms and words from Ebony, but instinctually? It's not their way... but given how they are raised, they see how Dinky interacts with Derpy/Ditzy and perhaps desire something similar. They are encouraged to stay with Jess, and thus they are developing far differently from any changeling known so far. They have latched onto her as not only their primary food giver, but genuinely have affections for her as a mother figure. Each hive raises their changelings differently, Chrysalis was more... hands off and had the changelings raised without affectionate attachments. Other hives might be more integrated.
Of course, this is just for the purposes of the story.
Long story short: Mayari and Tala are allowed to continue nuturing their affectionate bond with Jess/Food giver until it developed into a true desire to have her as their mother figure. Of course, with aid from Ebony and Minder helping them along. It's something new and fits with Ebony trying something radically new with her hive, the two foalings being raised as daughters by Jess and not just another nameless drone. They didn't understand the concept until it was explained to them, and thus they wish to remain with her and be raised by her.
Their feelings are genuine as they were allowed to foster, unlike some queens that cut them off and foster reverence instead.
Again, just purely idea in my head of course!
As for everyone mentioning EQD and the horror stories within. I am doing this purely to raise the level of the story itself, I know I am new and know it needs a lot of love, especially the first few chapters. I just want someone who knows what they're doing to poke at it, that way I learn by watching and being shown. The goal to get onto EQD is merely the standard I am setting myself, if it gets on... that's great! If it doesn't, I wont be devastated by it. ^-^
This is my first story, I can't expect it to be a ground breaker! :3
For those offering to help, thank you. I don't mean to be picky though, but I would prefer someone or people who are very confident in what they do. If I have like, six people all poking at different aspects of the story, I will just get confused. I think two or three max...
I am very, very good at being easily confused.
1258084
Hee, thank you for your kind words but I don't think it's up to standard. That's why I want to fix it up, tidy the comma use and pronouns... prepositions, repetitive language, subject-object confusion and prose/poor wording. That's just to name a few problems that have been pointed out to me thus far.
I agree with them, but I don't want to tear apart the story. Not tear out the guts, but instead polish up the paintjob!
1259580
All makes sense. Like I said, not "problems" but could use clarity, in my case anyway.
And at least your story is finished when you submit to EqD. My Little Mommies was submitted and it looks like the author stalled their story to address the issues. Which were very constructive but that story is too compelling for such a long wait.
1259580 I haven't seen the use of that much repetitive language, and I've definitely seen fanfics get featured where they repat the same thing over and over and over again.
But as I said, comma, apostrophe and quotation usage is a strong point of mine, and I could easily help you with that.
My two cents is that you shouldn't invest any time in polishing up for EqD.
I haven't gone to EqD for the sake of fanfics in the longest time, and I feel that trying to meet their capricious standards wouldn't be worth the effort.
Submit it as it is. If it works, good job; if it doesn't, no skin off your bones.
There was nothing in your story that bothered me, and feeling self-critical about it will add some jitters in your life.
This is the opinion of one reader.