Review: Equestria Girls (Spoiler Warning!)

Hey-hey!

So I'm back! Yeah, Alaska is something else. I wouldn't recommend it for people hoping to engage fellow young-people though. Nothing but septuagenarians onboard...

But I'm back, and just in time to see the long awaited "Equestria Girls!"

And by "long awaited," I mean that this thing has been feared and looked at crosswise from day one, and that it's contained all the warning signs of a massive massive sellout, and it's no secret it was meant to cash-in on "Monster High."

I totally missed the release of the second trailer while I was largely cut-off from the digital realm, but it doesn't matter now, as I have now SEEN Equestria Girls for myself in a little rack and shamble theater thirty-minutes from my home, my girlfriend in tow.

So, Equestria Girls.... is it good...?

IT'S GOOD!

It's REALLY good!

Oh my god, there are a THOUSAND ways this thing could have been the most awful, didn't-need-to-exist non sequitur of a spinoff. Like I mentioned, it had all kinds of warning signs. A Fall Formal for prom queen, an unnecessary love interest, character redesigns that if even SLIGHTLY mishandled could have been the doom of the entire thing.

This movie gets damn near everything it needs to get right, right, and it is NEVER slow. At an hour and twelve minutes, it's a short sit for a movie, but it doesn't feel too short OR too long. It doesn't pad itself unnecessarily and it doesn't blow through too many plot-points (too many) on its way to the big finale. It feels as long as it needs to be.

But best of all is that this movie is FUN!

Even if you are steadfast against the "Twilight becomes a human" thing, these writers and animators have done everything in their power to win you over, and I'll be damned if it ain't some potent stuff. Hardly thirty seconds goes by without a laugh-out-loud moment derived from visual humor or dialogue. Even my girlfriend, for all the reluctance she's shown me in her tomboyish take on the show, laughed at every part you didn't need to be a brony in order to get.

Oh yes, this movie is a riot of its own merits. While it does about as much as "Star Trek: Into Darkness" to reference bits from the show with character cameos and a nearly blow-by-blow recreation of Twilight's first meeting with Fluttershy, the movie isn't OVERLY reliant on the hardened fan getting the joke.

I guess it's about now that I need to go into MAJOR, EPIC SPOILERS, so if you just wanted a "yea" or "neigh" recommendation as to whether to see it, I say do it. At LEAST give it a shot. I won't lie and say cringe-moments don't exist in the movie, but there were MAYBE three of them, and they were relatively minor. Even if you have to wait for August, give this sucker its due. This movie was seriously a solid sit, and it's not going to take out much of your time anyway.

SPOILERS BEGIN HERE, NO TURNING BACK!

Okay, so we open cold over the Crystal Empire, no music or anything. Just, POW, stars, and then pan down to the Crystal Empire. We have Twilight talking to Applejack and the others. We discover that Twilight is there for her first royal summit with the other princesses, and we hear about the coronation in past tense, establishing that this takes place firmly AFTER Magical Mystery Cure, not during as some have suggested.

In this scene, we see Twilight mention struggling with her wings just before she tries a few flaps and falls flat on her face. Those who watch the "Hot Minute" animations will recognize this as the clip used in Twilight's Hot Minute video.

Yeah, that one.
We also find out that Twilight has taken to carrying her crown around in a saddlebag rather than wearing it, to Rarity's envious chagrin.

Pinkie also, while uncoiling herself from something of her own doing, makes the Transformers classic transforming sound effect as she does. Why? Because that's also something on the Hub, and it IS worth a chuckle.

The first few scenes here have an awkward pacing to them. Twilight and her friends meet up with the other princesses, who note how tired they seem after their trainride, and ends the scene by shuffling them off to bed until the next day. The scene felt rather abrupt in coming and going, and it was at this point that I was worried for the movie. This however, would improve with the next scene.

The next scene, in which Twilight and Spike bunk in her new little loft and discuss the fact that she's a princess. Twilight brings up how Celestia put Cadance in charge of the Crystal Empire, and worries that she will herself be burdened with such a responsibility, something of which she's openly not very keen on.

This culminates in the ultimate of all wingboner jokes, as Twilight struggles to keep her wings folded while she tries to sleep. An effort that "pomfs" her pillows and bedding off in some funny and slapsticky ways, before the camera zooms into the jewel of her crown on the nightstand and enters our opening credit sequence.

It's pretty cool to see the fully remixed intro music with its Bond-esque silhouette sequences, although it shows a LOT of distinctly human shapes. Okay, it's not like we were going into this blind, but given there's yet to be a whisper in the film proper of humans or alternate worlds and the like, suddenly seeing them LITERALLY foreshadowed feels odd. It really does feel like it belongs at the end credits rather than the intro credits.

Anyway, our villain Sunset Shimmer sneaks her way into Twilight's room, taking the crown from the nightstand and attempting an Indiana Jones maneuver with a fake crown. I forget if it's Spike or Twilight who stirs before she can make the switch, but the alarm is sounded as Twilight gives chase. Twilight teleports in front of her, only for Shimmer to do the same thing.

I don't mean to do a blow-by-blow here, but this detail is something I really liked. The teleport spell has largely been Twilight's signature move, and seeing Shimmer do it to match Twilight helps greatly in foreshadowing her as a threat. Given both were tutored by Celestia, suggesting further that the spell is one she personally taught them helps tie Sunset into the mythos as Twilight's dark predecessor, as we learn.

Shimmer's deal is that she basically acted as a proto-Twilight years and years ago, but grew impatient and distant with Celestia's teachings and opted to carve her own path. What happened between then and the present is muddy, and honestly I don't think her motivation as a villainous character is sufficient for what she's ultimately planning.

What IS sufficient is her buildup as Twilight's own nemesis.

One might think that Trixie always served as Twilight's foil, but if that's the case it's more of a "Goku and Vegeta" rivalry. Twilight has always been more powerful than Trixie, or at least more skilled and knowledgable, whereas with Sunset Shimmer, you DO get the sense that Twilight might be severely outclassed. Their first true encounter in the human world (that involves them being aware of each others' identities anyway) brings Shimmer to ask Twilight what happens when an Element of Harmony is transported to another world, and scoffs at her for her ignorance on the matter (and yes, officially the Element of Magic HAS turned into Twilight's crown, despite its altered appearance). That, and she of course has a home-turf advantage, having lived in the human world for a significant amount of time after leaving her studies with Celestia, and having adapted quite well to human high school society, pretty much taking over the pecking order in a manner that even Mr. Popo might find serviceable.

Well, anyway, during the scuffle Sunset makes it back through the mirror, raising some natural questions that get answered... and others that don't.

Yeah, this is one of those moments where you get a touch confused, if you're paying attention.

So, we all know the worlds connect via this mirror in the Crystal Palace, and to this marble structure in front of the high school.

Yes, exactly.

Well, we find out that once every thirty moons (two and a half years? Luna explains this one, so go figure) the gateway opens up, and that Sunset has used this window of time to come through and take the crown.

It sounds simple... until you start asking any manner of questions.

Firstly... I wonder if the original draft of this didn't start in Canterlot. Because how did Sunset Shimmer vanish years ago into a magic mirror inside of the lost Crystal Empire? Obviously she couldn't, as even a few years ago it had still been missing. This only leaves the option that Celestia brought this huge fuck-off vanity mirror WITH her to the Crystal Empire, complete with its own rounded stone dais. In Canterlot, it might make sense to just run into something like this, being such an ancient place, but here the coincidences start to pile up.

Then there's Shimmer herself. Obviously she's planned this for a while, but however she learned as much as she has about the Elements as she knows, how did she even know they were active again? It might allude to Twilight's exploits being far more national news than the series lets on, but it would be nice to know how she knew this. Likely the gateway has been open a while, and she scouted out her surroundings first before making her move, but even so, just happening upon one of Twilight's visits was pretty lucky.

And of course, unless there is a massive time warp between worlds, just how long can this portal have existed in the human world? It's built into the base of a huge horse statue in front of a high school, so how long can it have been around? Who made this portal in the first place? Did Sunset Shimmer do it? It just exists, because shut up it does.

Ultimately it's minor. Should have happened in Canterlot (especially given the high school is "Canterlot High" in the first place) but Hasbro wanted more representation of their crystal ponies, so here we are. You gotta do what you gotta do.

So anyway, Twilight is mandated the task of retrieving her Element by her princess peers, a task she has a limited time to achieve before the portal closes for another thirty moons. On top of that, she has to do it alone, despite her friends' best intentions.

I'm glad that Rainbow and the others practically rioted at the idea of her taking this on alone, only to be told that the presence of too many could damage the world or some other such crap. It's a cop-out, but it DOES sorta have an explanation. Are you sitting down?

A human and dog double of Twilight and Spike ALREADY exist in the human world! This is confirmed by the human Pinkie Pie, who asks Twilight if she has a twin sister who ALSO has a dog named Spike, and transferred from their school to the city somewhere. I know, right?! Give this thing some credit for keeping a consistency going, offering an explanation for why doubles exist for all the ponies except Twilight and Spike in this movie.

Also, I really like how they wrote Celestia when she explains about Shimmer. She clearly exhibits sadness and disappointment, seeing a student she no doubt cared for basically go turncoat. She doesn't even seem miffed about it, just sad and worried, like a mother who realized her kid was in trouble.

Okay though, so finally Twilight takes the plunge, originally leaving Spike behind, only for the little dragon to act upon a sudden impulse and jump through after her.

And this is where the movie gets instantly HILARIOUS. And INTENTIONALLY so.

It should be noted that when I got back, I wasn't aware there was a second trailer released, so realizing that dog-Spike could still talk was a surprise. But seeing the various slapstick gags and visual humor employed when she realizes she's in a completely different sort of body is gut-busting stuff. She flails her arms like she's trying to shake off a pair of purple spiders upon seeing her hands. She walks on all fours, only to correct her posture upon seeing how the locals are staring at her, and almost instantly loses balance.

Yes, she has to teach herself to walk like a human, she doesn't just KNOW it! And of course, she only realizes her horn is gone and her magic is kaput after trying to levitate a door open only to walk face-first into it.

And the gags persist throughout the film, regular in execution, and yet it doesn't wear out its welcome.

The "fish out of water" story is the sort of thing I absolutely LOVE in stories. I LOVE seeing people from other worlds or time periods shocked and confused at modern technology or conveniences. I love seeing people out of their element like this. Okay, admittedly movies that DO this have 9 times out of 10 been tragically awful (see "Masters of the Universe," "Just Visiting," "Kid in King Arthur's Court," "Beastmaster 2,"). In fact, "Kate and Leopold" and "Enchanted" are about the only positive examples I can name of this sub-genre, and yet I'm such a mark for this kind of thing.

And of course, we DO get an awesome scene where Twilight tries operating a computer in the school library at one point, frustrating a human Cheerilee to near madness as she tries to instruct her, until the human CMC start blaring a music video they uploaded to fucking YOUTUBE on another nearby computer (Yes, it IS clearly Youtube) that is basically their song from the talent show, with the "pony" lyrics conveniently censored as Cheerilee fights them for control of the speaker volume.

What I love about all this is that by the end, Twilight learning to use her new human body becomes an arc directly feeding back into her learning to properly use her wings back home. By the end, Spike even brings up her learning to use wings, to which Twilight responds, "Wings? Wings are gonna be NO problem after figuring out THESE," and then waggles her fingers in front of her.

I love that, I love that rather than making "Equestria Girls" this total isolated thing, they tried to tie it into problems she's facing in the series RIGHT NOW. It adds something, to suggest that this experience has helped her grow in a real and lasting way. But more on that later.

So Twilight blunders her way indoors, under the assumption that the school is in fact, Sunset Shimmer's dread fortress and that she's sneaking in to nab her crown back. The bell rings, and she immediately gets thrown for a loop as she realizes she's in a school, blundering through the mobs of people until she rolls smack into... *sigh* ...runs smack into Flash Sentry.

Flash Sentry, who you might know as "Brad", or "Dreamy Cutebottom" among others.

Yeah, THIS guy.

Flash is... actually pretty harmless in this movie.

No, seriously. There IS a teeny tiny romance subplot between him and Twilight, but if it had been ANY more downplayed by the writers, it wouldn't have existed at all.

They share so little screentime, even in the context of an hour and twelve-minute movie, that it feels like Hasbro mandated a love-interest exist in the film, the writers ran through a checklist of things for him to be involved in, and otherwise said, "okay, done; now to the REAL stuff". Sometimes they run into each other and Twilight blushes. He basically does one plot-driven thing in the movie to help Twilight, they dance at the formal at the end of the movie, and when Twilight goes back to Equestria (spoilers, Twilight goes back to Equestria) she bumps into his stallion counterpart while her friends tease her for having a crush.

Oh, and if you're worried about that dance... oh my, don't. It's not romantic. In fact, it's hilarious. It's SO hilarious that I'm not going to tell you what happens that MAKES it hilarious, but it might just be the "puny god" memorable moment of the film, and it had my screening ROLLING. If you frequent Derpibooru, chances are you know exactly what I'm referring to, but believe me, it's even better to watch it in the film and be surprised.

Anyway, after that first encounter, there's a silent musical number (as in, Twilight is heard singing but the video just shows her wandering the halls) where she slowly absorbs the differences between ponies and humans, noting the lack of magic and stuff like that.

After that, she encounters the human Fluttershy being bullied by Sunset, and confronts her for it. Neither Shimmer nor Twilight recognize each other in this scene, and just butt-heads on a general level. Human Fluttershy is grateful, but worried for Twilight. As I mentioned, a beat for beat remake of their first meeting in Ponyville happens, with the whispering and opening up upon seeing Spike the dog.

She then says her name is Fluttershy... and this honestly wasn't what I'd expected, because the rumors I had heard said the human characters had different, more typical names. But yes, the human characters all have the same name as their counterparts, and I wonder if this wasn't a retcon done mid-production just to keep things simple, because you were ALWAYS just going to call them by their pony names anyway. And now I'm going to refer to them without the "human" qualifier, because if I did that it would be largely unnecessary.

So Fluttershy explains that when the crown first flew through the portal, it struck her, and she gave it to Principal Celestia before Shimmer could pass back through. This is why Shimmer was giving her such a rough time, and why she hasn't already taken over the human world with it by the time Twilight played the interloper. Fluttershy warns against Twilight trying for Fall Formal Princess, because Shimmer is known to make bad things happen to people that get between her and the things she wants.

All the same, she beelines for the office of Principal Celestia, and this is simultaneously a good scene and an awkward scene. It's good because it provides at least ONE good answer for why Twilight doesn't just do the logical thing and steal back the crown after dark, or just swap it out with the fake crown Sunset herself took from the ACTUAL Fall Formal of Canterlot High. And that reason is Principal Celestia.

This Celestia has a really interesting performance, in that it's still her voice, but the tone is drastically different. Much of the wisdom and clarity in her voice is replaced with the weary, clinical drone of an overtaxed civil servant. It's Celestia, and yet it's not at all. The same goes for Vice Principal Luna later on. But all the same, it's still Celestia enough for Twilight to be visibly cowed by memories of her mentor, and utterly reluctant to go against her, even with so much on the line. Especially given she offers Twilight a perfectly legitimate means of procuring the crown, which likely appeals to her greatly, if only because she doesn't have to break any rules.

And of course, having been confiscated after being stolen once, it's probable that Principal Celestia is the only one that even knows where the crown has been hidden THIS time to prevent a repeat.

The awkward thing is... both Celestia and Luna’s human designs are freaking weird. The eyes, the lips, the width of the head and the oddly curvaceous bodies are just kinda freaky-looking when compared with everything else, almost to the point of being outright unpleasant to look at. I’m pretty okay about where they went in this film’s character designs, but this is where the ball got dropped. Dropped into an ugly tree, and hitting every branch on its way down.

After all that, she joins Fluttershy for lunch, and while employing more amusing pony eating habits, the various school cliques are pointed out to her. Twilight considers this strange, and I consider her consideration strange. True, Twilight was taught by Celestia personally, but surely ponies find themselves naturally attracted to pockets of common interest as well? At any rate, it’s hinted that the divisiveness is a product of Shimmer.

And no, it is never brought up that humans tend to eat meat, even though both Twilight and Fluttershy have burgers with patties on their trays. We don’t see what becomes of those, but did you REALLY expect them to veer off into THIS kind of plot cul de sac? Barely an hour long, but with a scene that makes Twilight distinctly uncomfortable around the human species, and leads her to followup questions that offer fascinating, but AGGRESSIVELY time expending ethical discussions?

Kind of like presenting Twilight a choice to become an alicorn or not, bringing up the whole “meat” thing would bring the plot to a grinding halt and MURDER the pace of the thing with a shovel.

And no, on that note, Twilight never questions the human tendency to wear clothing, she just rolls with it. Although there IS a scene where she uses a bathroom mirror, only to discover she’s wandered into the men’s room by mistake.

So then she heads to the gym, where she has to sign up to be put on the ballot by the head of the Formal’s planning committee. I’ll give you one guess who it is.

So Twilight does so, having a few funny moments with Pinkie Pie, especially when she’s given a pen to sign her name and grabs it WITH HER MOUTH. This on its own is kinda funny, but what sells it is the fact that Pinkie doesn’t so much as BLINK at this, continuing to smile serenely at her as she scrawls the least legible signature outside a ward for Parkinson's patients.

Applejack enters the room during all of this (naturally supplying some of the catering), hearing about Twilight’s efforts and offering a few friendly warnings about how deviously Shimmer operates when challenged. During this, Pinkie and Applejack offhandedly mention Rarity and Rainbow Dash, each of them appearing to have some personal distrust for at least one of them. Twilight leaves, only for Sunset herself to arrive on the scene to check on the planning.

She plays the bitch, making demands of Pinkie and Applejack because she’s bound to win unopposed. She learns otherwise through Pinkie, somehow reading Twilight’s name off the list despite it resembling a graph of the box-office returns for “The Oogieloves” (Heyoooooo!)

In the halls, Twilight comes upon a dead-end hall with a failing fluorescent light, and finds Sunset Shimmer waiting there to confront her. Now realizing who the other is, they banter and argue, setting the stage for Shimmer as at LEAST a match for Twilight on an intellectual level. She also threatens to tell the school staff about how Spike is in her backpack, but nothing ever really comes of this.

I should note that this school seems to have no patrolling security of any kind. Twilight wanders the halls, never actually participating in the classes, and even bunks in the school library... on a bed Spike constructed OUT of books no less... without as much as being asked for her freaking hall pass.

It’s at this point that the computer scene happens in the library, as Twilight tries to research how best to gain votes for princess, eventually settling on a yearbook, in which she realizes the human versions of her friends WERE all friends at one point in time. I like that with the computer, Twilight is so impressed with it that she second-guesses her assumption that humans don’t use magic.

While all of this is going on, Sunset Shimmer has delegated Snips and Snails the task of recording every bizarre thing Twilight does as she researches, from banging her knuckles into a keyboard to clumsily holding a book in her mouth by its spine. All in an effort for Shimmer to begin a smear campaign on Youtube.

And oh yes, Snips and Snails play Sunset Shimmer’s little toadies in this movie. I don’t get it: they’re just stupid elementary school boys. What about them keeps getting them typecast as henchmen?

I actually really love this bit, because I’m pretty sure it’s a massive wink to what bronies do with pony footage. Shimmer’s smear video pauses on the most compromising and awkward frames possible, making Twilight look like a drooling, deranged imbecile.

So yeah, she wakes up the next day, ventures out into the halls and finds herself suddenly getting a lot of illicit chuckles thrown her way. Eventually she gets nabbed from off the halls and into an empty classroom by Rarity, who feels so bad for her that she’s prepared a disguise outfit that she instantly dumps onto her, complete with a blond wig.

The other girls other than Rainbow Dash (Twilight’s disguise seen through by Pinkie instantaneously) enter the room soon after, and show Twilight the smear video. Things look bad for Twilight’s try at the crown, but with nearly all the former friends in one room, they start sniping at each other for being dishonest or untrustworthy or flippant. It gets so heated that Twilight blows her top to silence it, and wonders at whether Shimmer is behind it somehow.

This accusation is all it takes for the group at large to start examining the incidents that led to them splitting as friends, nearly all of which involved text messages and emails (poor Twilight just listens to this with a bemused expression). Pretty much, Twilight’s assumption pans out as correct, and with a bit of communication the friends make up.

It’s a bit straining on my credulity that this schism depended on neither party of any incident doing much more than assuming the worst of their friend, and never checking to see what happened. Rainbow and Applejack have even refused to say a word to one another, because sunset sent a fake email telling Rainbow this event she was supposed to bring the sports teams to was scheduled a day later than it actually was. I like that Applejack’s main beef is that it “made a liar out of her,” but still.

Also, why did Shimmer do this in the first place? Did the five of them present a threat to her at some point, or did she not want to risk Twilight coming after her for the crown and having a waiting support group? I’m not going to assume she just did it because it adds a speedbump to the plot, but some explanation would have been nice at some point.

At any rate, they finally meet up with Rainbow Dash, who makes up with Applejack in a scene we don’t hear them speaking in. In mere moments they’re a big happy family again, and they all have motivation to stick it to Sunset Shimmer by helping Twilight. Spitefulness is Magic!

But I kid. It might seem like they’re forming friendships with Twilight awfully fast, or else just to get back at Shimmer, but I actually feel like this is how it might have gone in episode one of FIM, if only Twilight had been as receptive to friendship back then as she is now. It demonstrates her growth as a character that, given a second chance to meet her friends for the first time, she bonded with them in no time at all.

But Rainbow isn’t as convinced of Twilight’s fortitude, so (being the team captain of EVERY sports team in the school) she challenges Twilight to a one-on-one soccer match.

Needless to say, with Twilight having the build of a dixie cup ASIDE from the bipedal body she isn’t used to, she gets absolutely CREAMED. But it’s okay though, because Rainbow was actually testing to see if she had the will to see it through, given going up against Shimmer for the crown was such an insurmountable task.

So with a bit of planning involving team jerseys and fake pony ears and tails, they meet up together in the cafeteria at different tables.

Oh yeah, so the students of Canterlot High are called “Wondercolts” (I’m guessing because WonderBOLT doesn’t have anything obvious to do with horses) and have the corresponding blue and yellow color scheme. So basically, the ears and tails are like cheerleader attire.

Anyway, while they’re all seated for lunch, they each start stomping in rhythm, tapping their trays and...

Wait a second... are they forming a flash mob?

THEY ARE. They form a six-person flash-mob in the middle of lunch, and do a musical number. The same number you hear backing Trailer 2, if you wanted to know.

The song is basically bidding the students to come together as a school, to look beyond their cliques and unite under Twilight’s banner. It comes off more as a “vote for school spirit!” than a “vote for Twilight Sparkle!” message. But, I’ll get back to this later.

Naturally the other students join in the number, Flash himself starting a guitar riff on the spot. And with this alone, it seems, Twilight has basically swayed the entire school.

Eh... again, straining credulity. We can assume that the school spirit thing is promoted well beyond just this musical number, as we later see more and more students wearing team jerseys, but this is one hell of an about face for Twilight’s reputation given the smear video. Not to mention I doubt if ACTUAL high school students would be THIS rallied by a six-person flash mob. I’d expect polite claps at the end, but not much else really. Given Sunset Shimmer took this place over with two cronies and no magic, maybe it’s just that they’re an easily led group of people?

Also, am I the only one who thinks the musical number itself reminds of 90’s era Britney Spears? I dunno. The music in this thing isn’t bad, not that I know dick about reviewing music, but neither is it what I might call “great”. Maybe I just need to hear them a few more times, but it’s kinda forgettable.

Finally though, the day of the Dance is upon them! And good thing too, because it’s also the last day for the portal to remain open... because of COURSE it would happen on that day.

And naturally, having been so directly threatened by Twilight, Shimmer has sent Snips and Snails to do something about her. This results in the gym being completely and utterly wrecked, and Twilight herself being summoned to see Luna. Luna was evidently handed photographic evidence of Twilight smashing up the gym, and now she’s at risk of being disqualified from the princess runnings if she can’t plead her case.
So, remember me saying that Flash does ONE plot related thing in the movie? This is that thing, in which he shows up out of the blue with (get this) polaroid pictures of Twilight that had Twilight’s image cut out of them, and then pasted on TOP of the shots of the destroyed gym. He found these in the trash somewhere off camera.

Hahaha, oh my god, what the hell...

First off... this human Universe is clearly as advanced as the modern earth we all know and... tolerate. This is an awfully quaint and analog method of doing something that should be a snap in Adobe Photoshop. I mean, come on! You think Photoshopping stuff is easy HERE, imagine how easy it is when almost nothing in your Universe employs shading!

Second is, this really could have been done by ANYONE, but they HAD to give Flash SOMETHING to do, so here he is to save Twilight’s ass in record time.

Honestly, I know WHY the falsified image was done this way: because it’s a lot easier to prove an image was faked by manual means than to decipher the pixel placement of a digital image. But nonetheless, it’s still hilarious in its balls-out anachronism.

So of course, Flash uses this opportunity to ask Twilight out to the dance, and it gets mentioned that because of the damage the dance will be moved until the next night. This results in Flash getting one HELL of a perceived rejection as Twilight bolts out, realizing that if the dance doesn’t happen that night, she’ll never get the crown back.

So between herself and Spike, they agree that the only way to get across the urgency of the issue to her new friends, she’ll have to come clean about who and what she really is.

This results in one of the most simple, expedient... but LAZY looking ways of getting all this information across that I could have imagined. Literally, Pinkie Pie guesses, with ONE-HUNDRED-PERCENT accuracy, what Twilight’s deal is. Twilight just stares bemusedly before nodding.

Eh... admittedly it’s funny, kinda, and it gets redeemed later on... and it does the job given the time alotted... but I can’t help but feel that it feels REALLY “fan-ficcy.” I don’t know what else they could have done here, but it IS pretty jarring.

Naturally though, the others want a bit of proof for such wild and insane claims, and Spike obliges by speaking in front of them. Fluttershy, naturally, is agog at the chance to SPEAK to an animal and find out what Spike is thinking, making one of the silliest faces I’ve seen in a while.

So, they agree to help sort out the gym so the dance can go on... can you say, “montage?”

Yep, they start cleaning shop, eventually joined by dozens of other students until the place is good as new, and Luna announces that the show must go on!

Meanwhile, in the shadows, Sunset Shimmer is about as pleased as Twilight is with this, as apparently Snips and Snails fucked-up royal by smashing up the gym. Evidently, Shimmer needs this settled by tonight as well...

So all that’s left now is to suit up!

And so, the girls prepare to the dance set to a— oh what the fuck, seriously?! ANOTHER musical montage?! It hasn’t been five fucking minutes!

Really, couldn’t we have just made this part of the previous montage? It’s not like we wouldn’t have heard the song they’re using, it gets a reprise later in the movie anyway, I mean Jesus!

So, the dance begins, the ballots are in, and our Fall Formal Princess iiiiiiiiiis...

Yep, it’s Twilight, and she gets crowned on the spot. However, all is not well! Snips and Snails have nabbed Spike, and the girls give chase out into the courtyard.

...And this is where the movie finally goes fucking DARK.

Snips and Snails continue to restrain Spike, while Sunset Shimmer is standing there beside the portal wielding a fucking SLEDGEHAMMER.

No, seriously. Normally I wouldn’t put up an image like this, but LOOK AT THIS

Jesus christ! Okay, so Shimmer makes it clear she’s not a monster and won’t hurt Spike, even letting him go, but it still sits there under the assumption for a while that Shimmer is about to straightup mash a puppy with a sledgehammer!

But no, the hammer isn’t for Spike, the hammer is for the portal.

Shimmer threatens that if Twilight doesn’t hand over the crown to her, she’ll smash the portal and trap them both in the human world forever.

With stakes like this, we know we’ve reached our climax, and Twilight gives it a good pondering before basically telling Shimmer to shove it.

Now, this scene REALLY works, though it’s missing something to make it perfect.

Twilight DOES make the most logical choice, and she explains her reasoning when Shimmer spells out what her decision means. Twilight reasons that EITHER option means Equestria will be without the Element of Magic, and that the Elements of Harmony will no longer work. This leaves the fate of the human world as the tipping point. Without Twilight, Sunset will certainly use the crown’s power to dominate with impunity, but if Twilight stays she can be certain this won’t happen.

Logically and ethically it’s the right decision, and she makes it with a stiff upper lip. She’s not calling a bluff, but making an informed decision that’s best for everyone, like a leader should do.

The one thing missing is that while she should be deliberate in this decision, it would have been nice to see her a bit more choked up about sacrificing EVERYTHING she ever knew and loved to save a world she barely knows. Even a single tear rolling down her face would have done it, but that doesn’t happen...

Ah well, spilled milk and all that.

To the shock of most everyone, it turns out that Shimmer was bluffing, as she drops the sledgehammer. But she’s not done yet. All but saying “fuck it,” she straightup tackles Twilight, and we get a bout of keepaway between both sides. It actually goes Twilight’s way, up until she has a klutz attack and passes the crown to someone behind her... that ends up being Sunset Shimmer.

So naturally, Shimmer now wields the Power Cosmic and ascends into the air on a pillar of green light. It’s actually another notch on our “dark moment” counter, as while this all happens she’s CLEARLY tearing up, so as to suggest that what’s happening to her is causing her horrible pain.

And thus, Sunset Shimmer transforms into a fucking DEMON. No, really. Red skinned, elf-eared, black where the white in her eyes should be, flaming hair, draconic wings. Yeah, she turns into a demonic gargoyle thing. Upon which, she zaps Snips and Snails, turning THEM into demons too.

Naturally, a small crowd has formed at the school doors to witness this, and she proceeds to use telekinesis to rip out the entire front wall of the school, exposing the soft nougaty students within, and using her magic to hypnotize them into being her slavering zombies.

She explains that she was bluffing, because she really has no interest in the human world. No, with her army of hapless teenage idiots, she’s going to pass through the portal and (you guessed it) take over Equestria!

Yes! Yeeees! This plan is FLAWLESS! Send a few hundred high school students in prom clothes through the portal, where they can stumble their way to victory in pony bodies they don’t know how to use! Yeah, I’m sure THAT’S a match for the three alicorns waiting for them DIRECTLY on the other side of the portal.

Okay, okay, to be FAIR, Shimmer herself would likely be doing much of the heavy-lifting, so the teenagers probably aren’t very important to her plan, other than as human shields. She DOES have access to the Element of Magic itself, and the means to draw a potentially limitless wellspring of power from it, but this is still hilarious! It’s almost as hilarious as “Oblivion’s” claim that the human race was conquered by an army of brainwashed Tom Cruise clones.

Again, I don’t get her motive for being so damn evil. She seems attracted to power for power’s sake. It never sounded like Celestia kicked her out, so she wants revenge, and it’s barely suggested that she’s jealous of Twilight’s position, though that could work too. But somewhere along the line she garnered this plan for world domination, and we don’t get a clear motive, though there’s obviously room for it to be expanded upon. I don’t get what it is with McCarthy and creating potentially awesome villains and then having their plans be laughably atrocious.

Then, the dark-o-meter reaches critical mass, as Shimmer announces (the girls huddled together protectively) that Twilight has meddled in her plans too many times already! And says, while firing a friggin’ Kamehameha blast, (and I fucking QUOTE!)

“SHE NEEDS TO DIE!!!”

O_O …Um... Holy SHIT!

I mean, fuck ME! Lethal intent has been SUGGESTED before in FIM, but Shimmer just outright delcared an express intent to MURDER Twilight Sparkle!

Now, some of you who have seen OTHER screenings might say, “wait, that’s not what she said! I heard her say “SHE NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH!”.

But I tell you this now, hand over my heart, THAT is what she said in MY screening. I can’t prove it, but I have a witness! And yes, I found a leak of this scene, and what she says in the leak IS “dealt with,” but you don’t know how clearly she said “DIE” at my screening. And if you look at the “dealt with” version, you can tell that the lip sync is matched for ONE syllable, not the three that were clearly swapped out when someone higher up decided that line was way too fucking dark for a kid’s movie.

So, anyway. The dust settles from Shimmer’s attempted murder, and the six girls are just fine, wreathed in a magical aura protecting them.

Twilight then immediately claims that the Element of Magic is reacting to the others that helped create it (because it came into contact with each of them during the “keepaway” match? I don’t know, it’s really unclear) and, well...

Yeah, pretty much.

The girls all have full, rather well animated magical-girl transformation sequences, in which they spontaneously grow pony ears, longer hair tied into HUGE ponytails, and wings in the case of our alicorn and pegasi.

Once transformed, they ascend into the sky, Twilight giving her spiel about how even though she has the Element of Magic on her head, she can’t control it without the power of friendship, and they slam her with a rainbow tornado (a tornado that appears to also be firing laser beams at Shimmer as well).

Oh yeah, and they do this by linking their arms in a chain that’s arranged to look like a heart... blegh! This is one of those “cringeworthy” things I mentioned before. It’s cheesy, and it’s also probably the biggest offender outside of the Flash moments, but it’s also really short.

This leaves a twenty-foot deep crater with Sunset Shimmer at the bottom, still okay, but reverted out of the demon form. She crawls her way back up in tears, apologizing and saying she hadn’t realized there was another path she could have taken. Twilight explains that her human friends can show her the way to real power and happiness without being divisive and cruel, and I really want to say this sudden turn is too much change in too short a time... but then again, I have a feeling when your life is flashing before your eyes and you get suplexed by a magical rainbow beam of pure harmony and friendship, you start to look at things a bit differently...

It’s at this point that Principal Celestia finds her way there, and tells us the moral of this whole thing: that a princess and a leader is someone who can unite people in harmony, and not someone who controls others through fear and power.

And this is SUCH a good aspect of this movie, I could HUG the damn thing. Instead of making the race for prom queen into this vapid, meaningless popularity contest, it was treated as a worthy person being able to unite other people under one banner, through bonds of friendship and harmony. Twice now, Twilight Sparkle has been crowned a princess. The first time she proved to the WORLD that she was ready for the responsibility, and this time she proved it to someone even more important: HERSELF. She garnered the confidence to realize what it would mean to be a just leader, and that she IS qualified for the task. She leaves this experience stronger and more confident about her new role in Equestria, and by extension gives this entire movie more meaning than JUST being a cash-in for a series of toys.

This was DHX following in a tradition of getting Hasbro mandates that would sink any other production, and somehow weaving it into something wonderful, if flawed. This was them taking tropes as old as time and doing something different and interesting with them. This is proof that even if the Twitter accounts of the show’s devs have a tendency to fib when fans have nailed down future occurrences, these guys care about what they’re making, and have CERTAINLY not sold out. This is all the proof I needed to know that Season 4 and beyond are still in worthy hands.

At any rate, Twilight has her crown back, gets invited to that dance with Flash Sentry, everyone has a good time and takes pictures. We then get our farewell as Twilight and Spike leave again through the portal. We get a funny moment of Twilight as a pony again, walking through the portal on two legs, losing balance on her hooves and finally planting back down on all fours in relief.

As it turns out, her friends and the other princesses set up camp and waited at the mirror THE ENTIRE TIME SHE WAS GONE... seriously guys, hardcore... and greet her jubilantly. Celestia asks Twilight about Shimmer’s fate, to which she says she’s been left in good hands.

Heading off to bed, she’s accosted by her friends, plus Cadance, who press her for every detail, and of course she bumps smack into the pony version of Flash Sentry. And this is where we get that payoff for human Pinkie Pie guessing exactly what Twilight’s deal was, as OUR Pinkie spells out everything that happened in the human world.

Then her fellow friends tease Twilight about the crush she denies having, and we zoom out as Pinkie nabs the last line of the movie.

THE END.

This movie has it’s warts... but god did I love it.

It’s fun, it’s well-spirited, has a good moral, and has everything to do with the ponies and stories we know and love. Sure, the climax gets silly at times (and even with almost double the length of a two-parter episode to work with it zips in and out of the third act like a poor man hiring a thousand dollar whore), but this was a damn good sit, and I’d gladly watch it again.

As would I watch the supposed TV series rumored to be coming out of this. Clearly it would need a “Kingdom Hearts 2” style cheat on passing through the portal so Twilight can come back and forth as she likes, since her interactions MADE this movie, but it could work. Of course, it would only work as an adventure show, since treading the same ground as the original series would bog this thing down into irrelevancy, but that’s hopefully what the “magical girl” element is in place to fix. Besides, seeing poor human Rainbow get her new wings clipped as Twilight went back through the portal was a bit sad, and I’d enjoy seeing her in action with the, again ;-)

So yes, consider this my hearty recommendation... even though I’ve pretty much spoiled the entire thing if you’ve read this.

Till next time!

Comments

[RTStephens]

Hah! I skipped most of your post! You didn't spoil a thing!

But, glad to hear it's worth seeing. It may be a while before I get my chance though. I will probably have to catch it on the Hub at some point, but I can wait.

[James Rye]

>The first time she proved to the WORLD that she was ready for the responsibility, and this time she proved it to someone even more important: HERSELF.

That´s pretty much what i hoped the movie to be about and i´m glad that it got that message. Now the problem are the bronies who will overanalyze it or cause they hate Twi warp it in such ways that it sounds really negative. XD

Ah man, i wanna see the movie...