Round Three: Lero's Lyrafication, Lyra's Lerofication · 1:26am Jun 13th, 2013
Ask the Swapped Ponies!
Round Three: Lero's Lyrafication, Lyra's Lerofication
Twilight Sparkle is out on the street, shining a gigantic Bat-Signal-sized searchlight over the full moon. The silhouette of Tommy Wiseau’s face overshadows it.
DISCORD
You rang?
Discord drops next to Twilight, on top of a giant rubber platypus. Without a word, Twilight leads the draconequus into her house, and up to her bedroom. She flings the covers off the bed, exposing the sleeping Spike and Lero.
Swapped Spike has a pair of briefs on him. Swapped Lero wears nothing.
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
YOU made this mess, so YOU fix it!
DISCORD
(sighs)
Fine.
Discord snaps his fingers. The still-sleeping Spike pulls his briefs off his body, while Lero rises up, sleepwalking over to his underwear drawer.
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Now, uh... about my OTHER friends...
Discord sticks his tongue out.
DISCORD
YOU made that mess, so YOU fix it!
And he disappears. Twilight sighs.
Question 1: Zontargs Asks:
Dear Twilight: Princess Celestia has given you many mysterious tests and missions over the years, and you always seem to pull things off even when she doesn't give you all the information you'd really need. Have any of them ever turned out badly? (Smarty Pants doesn't count.)
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Well, there WAS this one time where the Princess put me in charge throw a party for her good friend, the Countess Gorgeous Ribbon. It would’ve gone SO WELL, if only the Princess had thought to mention how deathly allergic the Countess is to arugula.
Twilight hangs her head.
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
(soft murmur)
Tongue swelled up like a balloon... filled her whole mouth... Had to rush her to the hospital, right away... still, it was MY fault, not the Princess’... I’m the one who should’ve asked about allergies...
Question 2: SpinelStride Asks:
Dear Lyra: Have you asked Lero about human-style martial arts?
LYRA
Hey, Lero! I was curious... do humans have their own martial arts styles?
LERO
Ha ha ha! Absolutely, we do! All kinds of martial arts! We have styles like karate, judo, tae kwon do, aikido, CQC, ninjitsu, jujitsu... even a fun one called the Drunken Fist Style! And just off the top of my head.
Deeply intrigued, Lyra settles down on her haunches.
LYRA
Fascinating! Tell me more, please. Like... what distinguishes the aikido style from that of jujitsu?
LERO
Uh... um.... ehhh... don’t quote me on this, but I think Drunken Fist style requires you to get drunk first.
LYRA
Really? In my experience, drunks can be dangerous enough, but they make for some of the sloppiest, most uncoordinated combatants a fighter could face.
LERO
............uh...........
Question 3: SpinelStride Comments:
Dear Lyra: If you are considering creating a new form for Lero to learn for self-defense against pony opponents, I recommend calling it 'Screaming Monkey Style' or 'Active Path' depending on whether Lero can be convinced to let out Tarzan yells when he uses it
LYRA
Well... here’s the thing, I actually DO wish to develop a martial art style for Lero to learn. And Lero, himself, is just as excited by the idea. But being a quadruped and a magic user, I simply do not feel confident enough that I can be the one to teach him. At least, not by myself!
A bearded and extra-burly minotaur in his middle ages steps into view, standing beside Lyra.
LYRA
Here’s the thing; when there’s something about Lero that we, his herdmates, are struggling to figure out, Twilight Sparkle will dive for the primate books. However, I prefer to consult the minotaur books... or better yet, a real-life minotaur friend. Minotaurs, when you get right down to it, are the closest analogue to humans our world has... far more so than any ape.
Both Lyra and the minotaur smile.
LYRA
Minotaurs are bipedal, omnivorous, sapient, and what’s more, they have hands just like Lero’s. So with that said, please allow me to introduce a very dear friend and colleague of mine: Brass Knuckles, grandmaster of the Red Cape Path.
Brass Knuckles takes a respectful bow.
BRASS KNUCKLES
Greetings.
LYRA
Next year, our entire herd is planning on taking a sabbatical to Brass’ dojo, at the summit of Mt. Longhorn. Between Brass’ knowledge of bipedal combat, and my knowledge of Lero, we’re confident that we can form a good unarmed fighting style that he can fall back on, and hopefully enjoy learning!
BRASS KNUCKLES
It will be a worthy challenge, customizing a style for this human to learn!
LYRA
As for ‘Screaming Monkey Style’ or ‘Active Path,’ we’ll leave the naming for after we develop the style.
Question 4: SpinelStride Asks:
Dear Lyra: Does the Still Way include non-magical combat elements that would enable a Still Way grandmaster to effectively fight a magically-resistant opponent?
BARON EVILLY MCVILLAINGUY
Ha ha ha ha! Like the new armor I’m wearing, Lyra?! Thanks to this Defictionalizer Gun, I phased it into existence straight from this comic book! It’s magic-repelling armor, so all your super-special Still Way spells will bounce off me and back onto you! You may as well surrender now!
Lyra bends herself downward, performing a full circle floor sweep kick, knocking the Baron onto his back, then stamps down mercilessly on his gonads.
LYRA
It’s a poor martial arts style that relies on just one body part to attack and defend herself, instead of her entire body. Even if that body part IS the horn.
Question 5: SpinelStride Asks:
Dear Twilight: In the hypothetical event that the effort to find a cure resulted in Lero being temporarily ensconced in unicorn form (let's say into Lyra's body, and she into his), how long do you think it would take you to teach Lero to use his magic at the level of at least an ordinary unicorn's everyday usage? That is, able to readily manipulate objects with a telekinetic field, without any 'signature spells' like Rarity's gem-finding spell. Also, what would your teaching style be?
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Okay, Lero... Lyra... from what I can gather, it seems that instead of an Identity Swap, like what Rainbow Dash and Rarity have got, you two have something a little bit different ... a straight-out Body Swap.
LYRA-AS-LERO
Why am I even here?! We’ve just released Chapter Twelve at this point in time! According to Mike Teavee’s story outline, I’m not even scheduled to arrive at Ponyville until Chapter F...!
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Don’t worry about that, Lyra. This whole scene we’re now in is not so much a part of Divided Rainbow canon as an artificial ‘if’ construct to answer some reader’s hypothetical question. So the main story’s continuity is safe and secure.
LYRA-AS-LERO
That’s a relief!
LERO-AS-LYRA
Never mind that! I’m a... I’m a... am I really a GIRL now?! Am I a ‘her?’ A ‘she?’
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Afraid so, Miss Mare. My bad.
LERO-AS-LYRA
AARRRGGGHHH!!! Swapping’s confusing enough when everyone’s the same sex! Now we’re throwing gender and gender identity into the mix!
The unicorn, (who doesn’t have a cutie mark) breaks down crying, while the human nuzzles her cheek.
LYRA-AS-LERO
There, there, Fingers. At least we know who we’re supposed to be.
LERO-AS-LYRA
‘Fingers...’ that nickname isn’t even RIGHT for me any more!
LYRA-AS-LERO
Would you rather I call you ‘Horny?’
LERO-AS-LYRA
I’ll stick with Fingers.
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Well, until I find a way to fix THIS muck-up as well, you’re going to have to learn how to get along with a horn instead of hands.
Twilight levitates several HEAVY textbooks over, and plops them in front of Lero the unicorn.
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
You can start by reading these.
LERO-AS-LYRA
(aghast)
ALL this?!
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Research first, then practical application! That’s the only proper way to learn! Call me when you’ve finished!
The purple unicorn trots out of the room. The first book has fallen open. Lero reads a page with growing incomprehension.
LERO-AS-LYRA
“Cellular structure of the...” -- how do you pronounce this word?
Lero tries turning a page with a hoof: no good. She then attempts using her horn like a finger; and looks incredibly silly. Finally, she tries biting down on the bottom of the page to turn it that way... but bites too hard and ends up tearing the page halfway off.
LERO-AS-LYRA
Oh no!
LYRA-AS-LERO
Hey, Lero? How do you lift your leg?
LERO-AS-LYRA
What do you mean? You just think about lifting your leg and it lifts.
LYRA-AS-LERO
Alright. Now I want you to close your eyes. Just imagine reaching out and turning the page of that book in a pitch-black room.
Lero does as instructed. Her eyes snap open as the sound of the page being turned. Wide-eyed, he flips through the whole book using only his telekinetic field.
LERO-AS-LYRA
Whooooooooaaaa, COOOOOOOOL!
Giggling like a child, Lero encases the entire book in her telekinetic field: lifting it up, bringing it down, then floating it 360 degrees around her head.
LYRA-AS-LERO
(smiling)
Now let’s go outside, little filly. I’ll show you how we unicorns bounce a ball!
Lero skips after Lyra.
LERO-AS-LYRA
Yay! Ball-bouncing! I’m way more excited about this than I have any right to be as an adult!
Question 6: SpinelStride Asks:
Dear Fluttershy: What did the mare say to her tail when she went into heat? "Take a hike." What does it mean when Pinkie's thighfur twitches? Someone's about to go down on her. What did Spectrum Blitz say when his five mares went into heat and he could only handle four? "This needs to be about 20% cooler." Ahem. So! Thought about adding more risqué material?
FLUTTERSHY
Oh? You want risqué? I GOT risqué!
Fluttershy clears her throat demurely, then takes a deep breath.
FLUTTERSHY
What’s long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber! What’s the difference between being horny and being hungry? Where you put the cucumber! What do dogs and nearsighted gynecologists have in common? Wet snouts! What do those same gynecologists also have in common with pizza delivery ponies? They can smell it, but they can’t eat it! What do you call a teenage filly who doesn’t masturbate? A liar! How is a vagina like the weather? Once it’s wet, it’s time for you to come in! What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job never stops sucking!
Question 7: SpinelStride Asks:
Dear Fluttershy: Have you thought about making some marshmallow-filled Cupcakes?
Within a kitchen that’s got blood splatters all over the walls, floor, and oven, Fluttershy brings a large silver platter full of cupcakes to a table. The cupcakes are decorated in white-and-purple icing, each topped with a candy likeness of a certain rainbow-bolt cutie mark.
Fluttershy takes one of these cupcakes and bites it in half: showing its gooey, marshmallowy insides, as well as burnt fur and small shreds of meat. Then she casts a deranged smile at a cold, limp, figure laying on a countertop in a pool of red liquid.
FLUTTERSHY
Hey, Rarity! What’s the difference between best friends and onions? I cry when I cut up onions! AH HA HA HA HA!!!!
MIKE TEAVEE (V.O)
This scene was brought to you from an alternate universe in which Lero Michaelides managed to properly prove to Fluttershy, (while she was still swapped) that she wasn’t actually supposed to be the Element of Laughter.
Question 8: Genesis1212 Asks:
Dear Twilight,
Whenever Lyra returns home do you plan on her helping you out with research on the cure your working on? true your the only one who can perform the spell but surely there must be SOME way to help speed the process up two head ARE better then one after all.
(Insert smiley face here.)
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
First step is to see how well Lyra acclimatizes to our new ‘living arrangements’ with Rarity. There’s no way of telling until she’s actually here. Then I’m pretty much going to play it by ear.
She magically draws a smiley face back at Genesis.
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Sorry I can’t give you a better answer than that.
Question 9: Genesis1212 Asks:
Dear Mike,
Seeing as this is a great story you've written in the Leroverse I have a curious question nagging at me; is this your first time writing a fanfic? and if so why write your first story in the Leroverse?
Mike Teavee swivels around from his laptop.
MIKE TEAVEE
Actually, Genesis, yes, this is the first fanfic of my very own, although I have had experience editing and proofreading those of others. As to why my first story should be set in the Xenoverse... it’s because I’m fascinated by the Xenoverse. The polygamy, the matriarchal society, the view into the physiology and psychology of the sapient ponies, Lero's altruism, and the love that Lero shared and inspired in every member of his herd.
And when I started envisioning how the Magical Mystery Cure episode would actually PLAY OUT in the Xenoverse... well, this storyline basically wrote itself.
Mike takes a sip of his energy drink.
MIKE TEAVEE
Furthermore, the Xenoverse was the perfect setting for a story such as this because both its readers and writers LOVE to explore subjects from polygamy to equine biology from EVERY POSSIBLE ANGLE. And that’s how I wanted to present and examine the Swap: from EVERY POSSIBLE ANGLE. Not simply the comedic aspects alone... but the hardship, heartache, and headache... as well as the potential for something more besides. Of the strong turning weak and the weak turning strong. Of navigating through foggy ethics and moral quagmires. Of nothing being easy. Of staying true to old loved ones. Of finding the room in your heart for new loved ones, even if you’re not entirely sure you should. The exploration of friendship and family, loyalty and altruism, adaption and steadfastness, perseverance and endurance, love and devotion when everyone’s roles are suddenly exchanged. I hope you all continue to enjoy it.
...Of being Supreme Ruler of Equestria (ignore that blue alicorn in the corner) who can do whatever she likes because everypony thinks she has an Omniscient Morality License, even though she constantly lurches from one crisis to another and needs somepony else to pull things off at the last second, then proceeds to take credit for "planning" their ass-pulls.
i.imgur.com/NmMWv.png
I kid, but this story has really made me look back at what we know of Celestia's rule, and at least for the parts where she doesn't have Luna to counterbalance her, she looks like a well-intentioned fuck-up.
1140945
...I honestly love you, Zontargs. I love how you really, really, REALLY want to have the book thrown at Celestia for all this.
Fans like you make writing this story FUN.
1141012
Actually, it's at least partly that I'm just a contrarian, and partly that I'm a pragmatist. (No slight to your story there.) Hell, take the Wheel of Time series. I was laughing like a fool earlier, because in an official read-along of the series hosted by the publisher, people were going batshit over the fact that a slave-based empire didn't think that the literal eve of the Great War Against Ultimate Evil was the perfect time to free their slave armies. I found this hilarious because a) petty, everyday evil was being ranted against while everyone ignored the Cosmic Evil Incarnate waging a war against reality itself, and b) the slave-based empire was actually doing a better job of Getting Shit Done than the good guys. What did everyone want, for the Seanchan to just show up to the Last Battle with nothing more than their dicks in their hands?
So yeah, Celestia's a douche, she's being a douche to (really good versions of) characters I like, and most importantly, she's fucking it all up for no (apparent) good reason. You definitely get full points for making me care, rather than just rage-quitting. And for whatever parts of my analysis you might be going nope.avi about, it's probably just me over-analyzing the source material and then running it through my rather weird head. Don't worry that you're doing anything wrong with the story. It's awesome.
i.imgur.com/5OGeQ.png
Okay, let's see....
Dear Twilight, Lero, and Spike,
What would you do if everyone liked how the swap happened? For example, if Fluttershy ended up with Rarity's cutie mark, Fluttershy might have enjoyed running the Boutique and been more confident in her artistic inclinations, while Applejack probably could have settled in quite nicely taking care of Fluttershy's animals and not constantly worried about finances; Rainbow Dash might find that picking every apple in an orchard in ten seconds flat is even more of a challenge than sky-clearing (and she'd be able to set aside whole barrels of cider for herself); Pinkie Pie would probably love using her Pinkycopter to clear the skies and make cloud-shapes (also, there would be a lot of Pinky-and-pinkies jokes about Lero and her); Rarity could have been extremely happy as the most elegant and prolific party organizer Equestria's ever seen. It's easy to make the decision to fix things when everyone's miserable, but what if they were all happier than they'd ever been?
Dear Twilight,
How physically tough is a unicorn's horn? Considering that pegasi feathers are so exceptionally durable, it seems likely that a magic-channeling horn would probably also be very strong and hard to damage. If so, how far around the base does that durability extend? It wouldn't do much good to have a super-durable horn if it could break the skull around it on impact, so I would imagine that a large portion of the front of the skull would have to be similarly strong.
Dear Spike,
Given that Applejack currently has Rarity's cutie mark, and Rarity has Rainbow Dash's cutie mark, and Rarity inherited Rainbow Dash's love for Lero with the mark, wouldn't it make sense for you to be doing your darnedest right now to win your way into Applejack's heart instead of trying to get between Lero and Rarity?
Dear Discord,
At the moment, the entire world is literally in your power, with the specific acquiescence of the Princesses and the lone remaining non-swapped bearer of an Element of Harmony. It does seem to take a bit of work to keep everything more or less coherent, but you're discord, not chaos - society isn't collapsing but just about everyone is unhappy with their current state, leading to a surfeit of internal and external discord. So with small-d discord running rampant, doesn't it make sense that having fun with it, as Lero and Rarity did, is in fact the only sensible thing for anyone to be doing right now? I bet you could have a blast teaching swapped Fluttershy to be a prankster...
Dear Foal Who Sneezed Wonderbolts Action Figures,
Did you at least get Soarin and Spitfire, or were they all not-really-Wonderbolts?
Oh, hey, an actual question.
Dear anyone-with-an-opinion:
A hypothetical scenario: somehow, volunteers from the human world are given a chance to go to Equestria. To avoid some of the obvious problems, the trip is one-way, only transports humans, and includes some sort of magical lie-detector test, so we can skip any of the "humans invade / overthrow the government / strip-mine the countryside / exploit ponies" bits. Let's assume (ask Pinkie why) that the volunteers number in the thousands, have roughly the opposite sex ratio to that of ponies, are Lero's age +/- 7 years or so, aren't a bunch of criminals or ne'er-do-wells, and actually like ponies and Equestria.
So, roughly what do you expect to happen (short- and long-term), and is this good for Equestria?
1141148
Good point on Spike!
I have a question, but I don't quite know who to ask. I suppose it could be handled by Twilight, or Lero, but I feel like some input from several sources would be ideal. It has to do with the swapping of personas to go with cutie marks. Fluttershy is, as her name indicates, incredibly shy. I am curious as to where this has gone with her swapped cutie mark. Surely it's such a large part of who she is that the magic can't make it gone entirely, right? Also, what about events that couldn't have happened anymore? Like the episode with Photo Finish (Whose name escapes me)? Surely a laughter oriented Fluttershy wouldn't be opposed to the potential publicity that would come from such events. Or, in order to keep the elements in their respective roles, was it actually Dash who was the supermodel-esque figure? And, if the latter is the case, has the entire society had their views on attractiveness altered?
Sorry for a bit of a run-on, but I wanted to get it all down before I forgot. Also, just from one author to another, about how long do you write in a single sitting? Do you just sit and write an entire chapter in one go, or is it broken up into many sittings? I'm just curious because I like to get a comparison between myself and other authors whom I like.
Sursum Aeternum!
-Jet Howitzer
At the risk of being That Guy, having trouble with the next chapter? I notice it's taking rather longer than usual. I'm not trying to bug you about it, just genuinely curious.
1228378
I actually left a comment about this in the Divided Rainbow comment box. Check it out! :)
Good god... those jokes to Fluttershy... so bad they were so good almost.
*light applause*
Dear Twilight: "How is your research in pony / human reproduction going? I know it's not a priority right now, but all that research about body- and mind swaps should have some parallels, right?
With the number of different sentient species in your society, your situation should have precedents. Maybe a polymorph could fool the egg to receive the corresponding information from Lero?
If turning him in to a stallion won’t work, what about a dragon? In Terran fiction, they're believed to be compatible with just about anything, creating many, many races of half dragons.
I'm sure Spike will be happy to have a drake pal.
I don't think anyone would appreciate suggestions about using a blank egg, but that idea has been used in our fiction to create hybrids.
Hey, that's an idea: Cast Polymerization!
Ps.: I am so not going to suggest sex spells, because those would not include Lero.
Pps.: On second thought, maybe turning Lero into the female might work? She would have fewer chromosomes and create a human baby with a few pony traits? Nah, that’s just silly. Or is it?
1408784
Ah, I can see it for me:
Lero dodges the pink ray shot from Dusk Shine’s horn. The spell flies past him and hits a willow, causing the tree to spontaneously sprout flowers.
DS: “Stand still and take it like a man!”
L: “That’s exactly why I keep running!”
DS: “Don’t make me restrain you!”
L: “No! Not the pseudo-corporeal proto penises!”
DS: “Once again, they would solve all my problems!"
Fluttershy comments from the side lines: "I guess Lero just doesn't have the BALLS for a pregnancy. Get it? Anyone?
1142047
Would it be that different from, say a minotaur migration?
Since all those humans would be Good Guys and here by their own volition, all I suspect is some culture shock.
Long term, some regularisation and counseling.