The support means the world to me, and thanks to your kind contributions I was able to go and visit my boy in Britain. I'll try and mock up a proper recap blog—though I am notoriously terrible at doing those, I don't think I've ever managed a proper recap blog for any of the various conventions I've gone to over the years. I guess there wasThe Hurting · 9:41am May 13th, 2013
Today I was faced with a very tough situation.
I must say, I never knew that I could hurt so much. I never knew that I could feel so much emotion for another person. Someone I love and whom I owe a lot to is in a lot of pain and suffering, and I'm helpless to their situation. All I can do is sit back and watch as everything spirals down, out of control, out power, out of... life.
And it feels so bad, so very bad.
It helped me realize something, though. I have been squandering my life away. They were not dealt a very good deck in life, but they persevered and came through. Meanwhile, what do I do? I put off my schoolwork to be with my fans, and lie about a tragic life I pretend to lead.
I suppose now is when I'm going to come clean about something I have lied to about on several occasions. I do not blame you if you unwatch me after this, because in all truths, I am a liar and a thief. I steal from others' tragedies and make them my own, and lie to people who supposedly care about me.
In any case where I have told any of you (my newer watchers might not know about this) about my friend being shot, or my other friend dying in a surf accident, those were lies. I lied to gather attention, because as many of you may already know, I am simply a giant attention whore. I am so sorry I lied to you all, because if I treat my watchers like this, I'm no better than device heretic. I hope you all can forgive me for that.
However, in the past where I've brought up my depression, that is all very real. At times, I'll just be washed over by a great feeling of sorrow, and wonder to myself where everything is going. I haven't totally screwed myself over yet, so I still have to to get my academic life back on track. I need to make it a priority over my ponywords, because this won't last forever. Not that my academic life will either, but that will impact my life far more than this site could ever hope to, unless somehow I land a job getting my original fiction published through someone on this site, but that probably won't happen.
I don't know why I'll be happy one moment, then feel crippling depression the next; maybe I'm just done with filling out my "No Surprises" life where I do the same routine day in and day out, waking up feeling empty and going to bed feeling like I did something wrong; maybe I'm tired of staying awake every night dwelling on the sorrow of others and how I dare to feel bad for myself when far better people than I are being shot in the face by life; maybe I'm just tired of living on an island in the middle of the ocean with no one around who wants to be with me, in a culture that is so repressive intellectually.
I feel too much, and I think too little. To quote Kurt Cobain: "I really haven't had that exciting of a life. There are a lot of things I wish I would have done, instead of just sitting around and complaining about having a boring life. So I pretty much like to make it up. I'd rather tell a story about somebody else." That's probably why I became a writer, to distract myself from the soul crushing bordom of the every-day. I used to adventure with my friends, we used to draw and play games and climb the ivy, but now I'm left with fond memories and the taste of nostalgia in my mouth. Which isn't so bad, I guess.
Allow to quote the genius Cobain once more: “There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad.” And it's true. I act like I hate the world, and I hate people, but I don't. I don't hate... anyone, to be honest. I forgive easily. Even people like KingofSquirrelz I'd be willing to forgive provided they gave me the chance. The simple fact is, I hate having enemies, and I hate people hating me. My personality often drives people off because of weird sense of humor and my inappropriate timing and my arrogant nature that characterize it, but I still want to accept everyone as my friend. That's why I simply cannot bring myself to harm another. I don't want to be forever remembered as the person who beat the shit out of that one kid, or shoved that other kid into the road. You might say "Well, they deserved it! They were an asshole!" or "Better to be remembered for something bad then for nothing at all!" And to this, I say no, because I want to be remembered for something good, and people judge far too easily for me to afford having bad on my track record. Trust me, I speak from experience, which is why I no longer indulge in the public school system, as every seemed incapable of realizing that 8th grade me was not the same as 2nd, 3rd, or 4th grade me, the last time any of those losers saw me.
So if any of you stuck around through that, thank you. I still am in pain from earlier, because that person really does mean a lot to me and I'm not sure if I could bear to lose them. The Hurting continues, and it won't ever truly subside, but I've got enough diversions to distract me from the sorrow for long enough.
Feel free to post down in the comments about your own hurting if you wish. Do remember this, though:
When you've suffered enough
And your spirit is breaking
You're growing desperate from the fightRemember you're loved
And you always will be
As long as we're quoting Cobain, here's something to make you feel better.
You say this as if it was some big surprise? Lol, we know Regi, but you earned that attention bro. We're all here for our own reasons. Most of them being that you are entertaining and have a fine-ass taste in music.
I kinda feel ya honestly. Life is kinda a dead-end shithole, or at least it certainly feels that way far too often. I also feel bad for all the people who get dealt shitty hands...and wonder if I've used mine well enough.
Some day, Regi. Some day all this will end, and we will make a difference. Just keep telling yourself that, because you know deep down that it's true.
Wow... Thats... It's hard to find someone spot on like you, but when you do, you feel for them.
And with that, I say, I do feel you. I really do.
Anywho, I hope you do well with your academics, good luck!
Oh, Regi. The thing is: life is a piece of shit for all of us. Agreeably, some people get a lot more shit on their plate, but that doesn't mean that we all don't have our own shit to deal with. If you go through life thinking that you're going to do things, or if you have to do things, of course you're going to be miserable when those things don't happen. I have a shit life when I look at it, but that's the trick; I don't look at it often enough to care.
Just stop caring about everything. Let life flow naturally. Don't set out targets or deadlines or things you have to do for your life. I used to, and then I stopped. I know how you feel — I'd look back on the stuff I did or didn't do, and just feel incomplete. I feel much happier now, even when sad things happen, because I know, at the end of the day, life will keep flowing, and it may take us on a hell of ride, but you've just got to keep your head above the water.
I hope you start feeling better soon, Regi, and I'm damned sure life won't stop flowing for you.
I am surprised that you have lied for so long. But I'm not angry with you, buddy. I myself have a personal belief in something called Basic Human Ability. Things we can do with no one's help, no training, and held back only by our own personality and misconceptions.
One of those abilities is the ability to forgive. I forgive you. I always will and I will always be here if you need to talk. I've been told I'm a great listener.
Best Regards,
Craterfist
Dude, I followed you because you're a funny ass motherfucker. I couldn't give two shits about the shootings and surf accidents, because its posts like the In a Gay Bathhouse poster or the Waifu contest that is reason that I followed you. Stay strong.
Recently found this in a thread- 5 minutes until launch to school.
Life is 100% real, not full of anything fanciful or random, and it's definitely not a fantasy. So when people come up in blogs about depression, hate, and the lot, we feel out to them. We talk, we want to help. No matter what, remember; we're all here for different reasons, but we all stay for the same thing: You. No matter what. While I'm *new* here, I don't care. You're funny, you're awesome, you have a great taste in music, and you keep me up, even when you're down. Remember that you'r helping people, even if you don't feel like it, or even know that you are.
Stay happy, Regidar. Stay safe out there.
~Artorias
I hope you feel better soon from the bottom of my heart, man. You're awesome, and I hate it when you hurt like this. My friend got hit by a car last year and it was the scariest thing of all time because it was bad, so I know your feelings of negativeness. Just remember to try as hard as you can to push on through, and I'll be rooting for you from gay-rich land all the way. If I could hug you I would
Oh dear I couldn’t tell.
I’d like to see this fiction. Also, try self-published.
Even if you lied to us, I don't care. We're humans, we're the worst being on this planet, so all is forgiven. We'll support you with whatever path you take in life. Except suicide, then we'll try to talk you out of it.
Now smile, bitch, smile while listening to this gay ass song.
Dude, it takes some balls to actually admit something like that.. so I doubt many people are not going to watch you anymore. I applaud you.
I can't say that I've ever felt anything like you have. I'm having a really hard time posting this because I don't believe it will have in impact. The only reason I am is because I believe that you read all of your comments, and each of them have an impact on you.
Power on man. It doesn't matter that you lied, because we're human, and we've lied too. You came clean, though, something most people will never do (Including myself. I lie all the time, and I'm probably not going to come clean.) With that in mind, it makes you stronger than everyone else here, including me.
I want to say more, but I can't, because I'm out of words. If you're gonna do what you say you're doing, good luck. It's sometimes a hazy road, and sometimes you get lost, but it'll still be there and waiting for you.
The pragmatic part of my mind never really believed that your friend was killed, but that doesn't matter.
I gave you the benefit of the doubt because you're my friend, and even if you didn't tell the truth a few times, that doesn't change anything in my eyes.
You're still my friend, mate, and that won't change for as long as you want it to.
Still watching you.
Stahp w/feels Regi, you are killing me here
I still love you.
I AM NOW UNFOLLOWING YOU
YOU LIED ONCE
YOU'RE NOT HUMAN
...
Hey, we're humans (I hope), nobody's gonna unfollow you for that.
This is coming from someone you've never talked to, but has observed you thoroughly. You claim to be an attention whore, but isn't it human nature to seek attention? We all want to be noticed, to leave our marks, to be known for /something/. Now, I know quite a few people who did the same thing, including myself. They were pathological liars, who would do anything for attention. Why? Because they felt as you do: alone. It's a hurtful feeling, but you have to know you're never alone, eh? Keep that sexy-ass head of yours up, and stay strong.
It's never too late to call out for Forgiveness, bro. Just believe.
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1BJa4kwWBw]
I was late to the party I guess, so I didn't hear any of this shit, but everyone's at one point lied for attention. Takes some brass to admit it.
As for depression, I wish I could help you more--I've never had it to be honest, so I just can't relate. I've had some friends that I've knocked some sense into, but never myself. About the only thing I can say is talk. Talk to your friends, talk to a preacher, talk to a teacher. Talk. Keep bottling that shit in, and you're libel to burst.
I might not know you that well yet, but if you ever do need a sympathetic ear or advice, drop me a line, pal. I'm not the sharpest file in the drawer, but I'd be more than happy to try and help.
Am I the only one who knew he lied about a bunch of things? I mean, I know that you have tough times sometimes, and depression, but you were so damn melodramatic all the time.
I'm very glad that you have had this discovery about yourself though. You're maturing. I'm proud to know you.
dude...not cool about the lying...it will only hurt yourself in the future when someone calls you out on it. And a giant attention whore? Humans seek attention...when we were babies we demanded attention from our parents by crying and annoying the shit out of them. Having a facade is what everyone has...most people on youtube keep a facade so as to their real life self. Hell...even I have a facade sometimes...and attention whore? I blogged more than everyone except for like...3-4people. If you stop writing just to work on your school then do it. If you stop just to go hang out with friends then do it...This is just something for fun. it isn't going to get you far really in life I am sorry to say it...(or how I view it...sorry if this seems mean) If you want to stop then you can. You can come back later. I doubt this fandom is going to stop for a while with the new season coming up. and hell...this is life. You have to deal with the cruelties that it sends your way there will be hardships, there will be struggles and moment when you want the pain to end. But then it gets better over time. trust me...I be going through the same problem you faced. And if you need a song to help then here...someone showed it to me and it made me feel better.
It's okay. I understand. More than I wish I did.
I can't really say any more than has already been said except that there's yet another person out there who's felt sad for no good reason and hates themselves for it.
It'll be okay.
It will be.
I'm trying to believe it too.
What I find admirable is that you admitted to lying. Shows character. If you really do feel bad about it and you say so, well... I, for one, don't think any less of you.
I had so much more that I wanted to say but I can't recall what exactly. I'll probably edit this later.
Ah, right. I've realized something: you remind me so much of myself when I was your age. Not that I'm much older than you, but it's scary how much things can change (or not change, for that matter) in only a few years. Your education is very important right now, and yeah, if you need to take a brake from this site, the people and all your fans, do it. Don't think you owe anyone here anything. Take care of the people you truly care about and yourself first.
As for the depression thing, I personally think you need something or someone worth working for. Worth caring about and dedicating your time to. Having nothing in life is gawd awful, and I really don't want that for you. Perhaps when you're outta school and you find something to actually do with your life, well, perhaps you'll feel better. Happy, even. It's just so hard to care most of the time, I feel, and I hope you don't end up just... lost in life, y'know?
Just something you've gotta think about and deal with for yourself, I guess. But perhaps I, and your other followers, could provide some sorta... I dunno, advice or support. I hope you'll have a good life in the end. Despite what you may think, you're a good person. It sounds cheesy, I know, but you deserve better. We often never get what we deserve without working for it, though.
I did not follow you becaue of a feeling of pity. I dd because of music and such. Look bro you do not have to pretend for us to like you. Just be yourself. You don't have to be alone any of us would be glade to talk with you.
So I forgive you for lying and hope to hear more from you.
I don't have any advice for you, I don't have any well-wishing words that can help to take away any of your pain. But you said to put our own hurting in here, so I will.
Since I was about 11, I've been suicidal. I don't know why, but that's when my depression started, and along with that came near-constant thoughts and desires for suicide. But I've never been able to do anything about it. Some people would say that's a good thing, I mean, I'm still alive right? But the thing is, wanting to die but not being able to bring it about is hell. An overriding survival instinct, self-loathing, and suicidal thoughts do not mix well.
It was shortly after that when I found my life's motto, the words I've lived by ever since. I found them because of my shite childhood, where I managed to make all but about 10 people I'd met hate my guts. "Forget about the past because there's nothing you can do to change it, and don't worry about the future because you might not live long enough to experience it."
I'm not just self-contradictory on my living when wanting to be dead, because I actually DO hate humans. Not the individuals, I can't bring myself to truly hate any single person, but I despise the species. So I try to help everyone. Because I can't bring myself to not care for them, and additionally I want to help them become better in the hopes that the species will improve too.
These things all worked together to bring me to my view on pain, of others and of myself. They can actually be summed up pretty well by two songs:
When others are in pain, my view is similar to this, wanting to help them:
When I am in pain, my view is similar to this, despising myself for others being worse off:
So I guess, in conclusion, what I have to say is...
If everyone were like this:
There wouldn't be much more hurt.
I hear you. It's almost scary how well I can relate to you. I don't know what to say to you; I have nothing that fixes the pain. Except....stuff. All I have to say though is, I don't understand how you get an audience to listen to everything that's wrong, but I don't, and others like me don't. Needless to say I have to point out I really dont lie about anything...believe me if you want, or not, but I really can't lie. I hate lying.
At least Equestria Girls is coming to cheer you up.
1075354 I forgive him
He's a great guy.
I had a feeling you were full of shit.
Meh, I'll still watch you. You're a decent guy even if you let depression get the better of you sometimes.
You act immature and crude a lot of the time. And then you post something like this. Good for you, man. I think you'll turn out pretty good.
#CUT4REGI
No but seriously, I followed because of your sense of humor and your stories, not because depression overtakes you sometimes, whoopie your human.
Oi, I'm very insulted that you would think that we would unfollow you just because you lied to us.
I followed you cause you're a very cool guy to talk with, and that you have some interesting thoughts about the world that I would love to know about.
Besides, lying makes you human, and not a computer. So in a way, it was good to hear you be honest about the whole thing. Applejack would be proud.
Eh, so you done goofed and lied. No biggie over here, good buddy. I've done my share of lying to garner attention. (at school mostly, here I'm myself.) But the simple fact that you pointed it all out, stated that you hadn't entirely told the truth, shows excellent character. Also... Between you and me... and everyone reading this comment... your ponyfiction can be useful. I got one of my short stories published in one of the city papers after doing a bit of rewriting to humanize it. (I never put that story on here) Needless to say, it turned out pretty well. (Granted it was a small paper, but hey, it's something.)
And as always, I hope the person dear to you, whomever it may be, ends up well and happy.
Remember, I'm on Skype whenever you need a friend! Don't be shy, my child. (Of course, in my current state of no interwebs, It'd be limited to my time at Mcdonalds.)
EDIT: Sorry if this is a double post, internet crashed the moment I clicked add comment... Not sure if it went through or not.
*slap, slap*
Snap out of it!
*slap, slap*
So, you are human then?
Don't worry about receiving condescension. It just ain't gonna happen. If anything, people (M'waa) will only appreciate you more for telling the truth. I wish I could do the same
I respect how you were able to come clean about yourself. I don't know many people who could do the same, which is honestly really disconcerting. Reviewing your life can teach you quite a bit about yourself, and, if you choose to accept who you are, allow you to live more secure, and in my opinion, happy. Good luck with your 'hurting'.
I don't hold it against people when they lie, but I would be lying myself if I said it didn't frustrate me that people don't feel comfortable enough in their own skin to show what's under it. If someone is willing to shed the shell of lies and be reborn in others' eyes, then they show great strength of character.
(Side note: Okay, apparently I'm being philosophical again...)
regi, bay bi, come to bed dear
Just so you know, Regi, I forgive you. I don't think I ever heard one of your lies, but I still forgive you, and you should forgive yourself as well.
Luck be with you, and I hope whatever is happening to your companion is solved soon.
Ah, Reg, how much you sound like Henry David Thoreau. I grapple constantly with this same issue, and I found that reading the novel "Walden," written by that same mister Thoreau, helped address many issues regarding loneliness (Which Thoreau is no stranger to), as well as the concept of routines and how they both guide and restrain us.
How quickly man falls to routine for comfort and crutch alike.
1075108 I meant every word that I typed, Dancer
Me too, man. Me too. I know exactly how you feel. I hate these kinds of situations. I'm kinda in one myself, so I know exactly how you're feeling. You are not alone.
Hey, we all make mistakes. I ain't mad at ya. I hope you feel better soon, bud. Don't be afraid to talk to us.
1077553 Regi, if you want to get through life you have to learn to not care.
Constantly thinking over things that you could of done, or things that went wrong, just laugh it off, forget about it, move on
I barely made it through High School because I was a stubborn bastard, By the time I got into College I wasn't the same person at all because I changed myself, I wouldn'tve been even recognizable from High School to college, and I've been better ever since.
Regi, Just learn to not care, laugh it off if you have to, Just don't dwell, it's giving up, taking the easy way out and trying to find ways to quit on yourself.
Lying while feeling guilty enough to eventually admit to it is, in my mind, not only forgivable, but expected. There is no such thing as a perfect human, and if there was, he'd probably be an asshole. You have lied, and I find myself completely out of fucks to give. It's fine. Really. Don't beat yourself up over it.
Now let's be absolutely clear here: YOU of all people have not wasted their life. One just has to look at your history as this site to know that. I remember the day you became a member, man. I remember the day you became famous by way of If Smosh Were Ponies. I remember the times I saw you post blogs saying things like "hey guys, I won't post the next chapter until so-and-so gets this many favorites" and me thinking "hey, he's a total attention whore". I REMEMBER that stuff. You wanna know how many different people I can remember as well as you? YourAntagonist... Twilightclopple... and... like... THAT'S IT! You have made a fucking legacy here, man. People knew you. Hell, EVERYONE knows you! You like the backbone of the site! You're the person everyone knows, the person everyone likes, the person everyone remembers. If you ever do end up leaving for whatever reason, people aren't just gonna forget about you. Y'know why? Cause you're fucking Regidar. Who could forget about you?
It's true I don't read your stuff. However, I think its pretty fair to say that you didn't get famous through your stuff. You got famous through you, and who you are. The jokes you make, the songs you post, the conversations you have... everything that makes you YOU is the reason you have 791 followers. And that's another thing to think about: your followers. All fucking 791 of them. Think about that man. That isn't just a number. Too many people (including me) look at that and only see a number. Each one of those, EACH one of those is a person. A complex person. A complex person that has ideas, wishes, fears, interests, dislikes, and pastimes. A complex individual who has decided that they want to be informed of everything, EVERYTHING you do. Why? Cause they like you. And not just your stuff, YOU. 97% of those people followed because they liked who you were as a person. I got 195 watchers cause of the stuff I post. You have 791 followers because you're you. Its as simple as that.
What you are experiencing is common, even expected in some people. To be honest I'm surprised its taken this long to catch up with you. And the worst thing about it is that it won't be easy.
And yet you will push through. I knew you will. Why? Because I know who you are, and I knew that no blast of clynical depression is gonna stop old Regidar. Now this man: You are, have been, and always will be, a fucking beast. NOTHING can stop you. This I know and this you should know too, cause it is the absolute truth. We will always be there for you, but in the end I don't even think you'll need our help. You'll take this shit on, put it in a headlock, and slam a headset playing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" at 1,682,290,372 decibels onto its ears while wearing a radiation suit and claiming to be Darth Vader. Not many other than you can do that.
These people... these assholes... this mindless group of minions you've acquired... they choose to like you and choose to love you and choose to worship everything you do. Maybe its time to finally ask yourself why.
1078214
Thank you so very much. I needed that.
Do you really remember the day I became a member?
1078224
Perfectly.
I was all "who the fuck is this immature douchebag" and you were all "#yoloswag Imma fuck shit up".
Quite literally.
1078236 Oh that's right, my first story...
I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling down, Regidar. I can empathize with a lot of what you're saying here. I've had to deal with depression for a long time, and while I deal with it most of the time, it never quite goes away. I just try to keep myself busy.
I hope you feel better. If you ever want to chat, come see me on Skype.