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Amy Clockwork

Joined January 2013
69 followers

Writer and Project Lead for Then the Shadows Whisper, FiM Fiction Enthusiast and Reviewer, Lover of Ponies

May
11th
2013

It’s easy to say that I probably shouldn't be writing reviews at the moment. The first wave of finals are inbound and it’s about time to hide in the bunkers. Nevertheless, I am still here. Sorry if I snap at a few at you. Secretary! Give a story to review this week! Wait.... I don’t have a secretary. Damn shame. Well then I’ll chose... like I've always done for the last two months. How about a darker one? Ah yes! ChaosBrony93’s Outbreak: Unknown was right on mark with trying to set its darker tone but things quickly go south with the exposition and dialogue. Both end up disappointing and overall rather dull. I hate to say it but Outbreak: Unknown is tied down by several problems that overwhelm the good in it.

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Outbreak: Unknown by ChaosBrony93

Incomplete (last updated April 14 2013)

This is a recount of the events that transpired on the eve of Nightmare Night, 30 years ago today. These hoof-written accounts were ignored as writings of mad-ponies and diseased minds... But they were wrong. Far beneath the lush beauty of Equestria lies a sinister secret, the dark past long forgotten by unicorn and pegasi alike. I must warn you dear reader, what you read within these very pages is the absolute truth. Seek it and perish without a scream... Without a whisper... Read it here.

Tags: Dark

Rating: Teen, Gore

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I don’t like to bring up this issue too often considering we are, after all, amateur writers. While it shouldn't lower the standards, it’s impossible to expect an unpaid individual who is simply doing this on his/her free time to have perfect grammar and spelling every time. However I caught several mistakes throughout Outbreak: Unknown. In this case, I do recommend finding an editor for it will greatly improve the piece.

Outbreak: Unknown, as well as the horror genre, focus greatly on design. They strive to perfect imagery but also to find the ideal exposition. So after making me dry heave, I couldn't help but realize that that, even with my overly sensitive stomach, the imagery is very well done; especially when trying to highlight the darker portions of the story. If you won’t listen to me then listen to the former contents of my stomach.

Unfortunately, that’s probably the only good thing from this story. Like I said in the intro, things quickly go south from there. Outbreak: Unknown knew where it was going. It knew the dark, desperate situation it was shooting for but the exposition is lacking. Even with its head start, the exposition lags behind and often repeats itself. Not to mention it all is really dull and uninspiring. You see, I find that some authors don’t get the mood just right. Sometimes they are too subtle, but in this case, the mood is shoved down the reader’s throat like some gigantic pill. Back off a bit, you know? Try not to repeat yourself too often and try to tell the story through the character’s eyes.

This brings me to my next point. Twilight and her friends break character very often. I would go in depth but these reviews are spoiler-free. Just keep in mind: “What would they do in the show?” While we’re at it, the dialogue doesn't only break their characters even further, but is also choppy and unrealistic. Some of the lines are cringe-worthy and conversations change faster than Hollywood celebrities’ love lives. I often say, if you can’t carry out the conversions in real life, then they shouldn't be in your story.

So I hired a secretary while writing this review. I believe his name is Watson but I wouldn't know because he quit on the first day. Something about underpayment and I give him too much work, but that besides the point! Outbreak: Unknown comes in swinging with great imagery but is crucified by its lacking exposition and bad characterization. However, I can say that some of you that enjoy the things that my stomach obviously doesn't could enjoy this story. Before signing out, I must say that the next two weeks will be unbelievably busy for me and there might not be a review this week. Please don’t lynch me. This has been Admujica.  I’ll see you guys next week and stay safe EQLA blackout survivors!

Outbreak: Unknown gets a score of: 5 out of 10

Strong imagery that appeals to the horror genre but not without several exposition and dialogue problems.

Read it here.

Amy Clockwork · 157 views · Report

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