//------------------------------// // Bonus: Lt. Ditzy Doo's Rules of Conduct // Story: Ponyville40k: Dawn of Friendship // by CommissarAJ //------------------------------// Lt. Ditzy Doo’s Rules of Conduct Somepony once asked me ‘what’s the most important thing you learned during your years of service?’ I couldn’t limit it to any one thing aside from the obvious ‘don’t panic’ so I decided to make a list of the important lessons I’ve learned through years of experience. 1. Not allowed to watch holo-vids while I’m supposed to be working 2. Not allowed to ‘borrow’ the CO’s personal recaf maker, even on the commissar’s orders 3. When driving the Red Hares, I am not allowed to ‘try something I saw in a holo-vid’ 4. When driving the Red Hares, I am not allowed to use the radio to broadcast PSA’s 5. The Red Hare does not have a flux capacitor and I should stop making up mechanical problems that don’t exist. 6. Briefing reports are not to begin with ‘As the Empress foretold…’ 7. Not allowed to trade my CO to the Griffau for seize rifles 8. Not allowed to steal baby teeth to trade with the Buffalorks 9. Not allowed to fill gasmasks with candy 10. Not allowed to eat apples while in formation unless I brought enough for everyone 11. [Addendum] Not allowed to eat apples while in formation even if I brought enough for everyone 12. Not allowed to tar and feather the recruits to teach them ‘how to think like griffis’ 13. The proper response to a reasonable request is not 'That's what Luna said!' 14. Not allowed to draw bulls-eyes on the helmets of new recruits 15. The Eldeer are not after my lucky charms 16. The Eldeer do not offer fortune-telling services 17. Not allowed to invite the buffalork over for cider and fritters 18. Servo-probes are not to be used to build my own throne. 19. Never talk back to a Space Mareine with 'You and what army?' 20. Not allowed to refer to the Brothers of Harmony as ‘Jokester Jocks’’ 21. Not allowed to refer to Joytroopers as ‘Astartes wannabes’ 22. Paranids do not make good guard animals 23. Sock puppets are not allowed to take command of my post 24. Never, ever ask a tech-pony to ‘do the robot’ 25. Never goad a tech-pony into doing the robot by claiming to do it better 26. Lazeguns are not a prescription for treating insomnia 27. May not call officers ‘lying, heretical scumbags,’ even if it’s true 28. Claiming ‘the Empress told me otherwise’ is not a valid reason for refusing orders 29. ‘Cause I’m prettier’ is not a valid reason to contradict a superior officer. 30. I am not allowed to send recruits to fetch the following items: winter batteries for the lazeguns, back-up wings, a box of grid squares, helmet polish 31. Not allowed to challenge Navigators to staring contests 32. The astrocorns do not want to guess what number I’m thinking 33. The astrocorns are not trying to read my thoughts and I should stop accusing them of it 34. Must not valiantly throw officers into oncoming fire to protect the squad 35. The tanks do not transform into battle droids 36. Laughing gas is not to be used in conjunction with talent show comedy acts 37. Servo-probes are not to be used for target practice or run personal errands 38. Not allowed to use Tarot cards to make fake predictions about people I hate 39. Decals and custom paint does not make my weapon ‘master-crafted’ 40. I am not authorized to declare Exterminatus on anybody 41. Det-charges on bottles of cleaning solution are not to be used to clean the latrines 42. I cannot claim time off on religious grounds because the world is going to end…more than once…per planet. 43. I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my gasmask 44. My proper title is Lieutenant Ditzy Doo, not ‘The Muffin Mare’ 45. Major Braeburn does not want to know what I think of his plan or where he can shove it 46. Not allowed to invent new forms of paperwork that need to be filled out 47. Not allowed to execute nap time on ponies on the Commissar’s behalf 48. Not allowed to ‘go down to the colts’ tent and shake what my mama gave me’ 49. [Addendum] Even if they had asked me first. 50. Parade Drill is not the time to teach the unit new dance routines 51. The Adeptus Fraternis do not want to take my confessions 52. I am not allowed to claim of visions from past lives 53. Not allowed to erect magic wards to protect against anyone in my chain of command 54. I cannot challenge anyone in my chain of command to a duel in the name of honour 55. Holo-vid soundtracks are not motivational material and should not be played over the loud speakers as such. 56. Not allowed to refuse an officer’s orders on the grounds that it’s ‘that time of the month’ for her 57. Don’t keep that in your helmet 58. ‘Muffin’ is not an explanation for anything 59. The Adeptus Custodes are not janitors 60. If a thought makes me giggle for more than fifteen seconds, it’s probably a bad idea 61. An order to make my ‘make my boots sparkle’ does not involve unicorns or lightning bolts 62. Not allowed to rate officers by shipping appeal 63. Nopony is interested in a wet mane contest 64. Not allowed to invoke daemonic summonings to punish my superiors 65. ‘Victory or a reasonable severance package’ is not an approved battle cry. 66. Not allowed to use the batletanks to ‘beat rush hour traffic’ 67. Not allowed to drive the battletanks into town to get breakfast 68. Not allowed to return to base wearing parts of an Eldeer uniform while heavily intoxicated 69. Even if my commander did it 70. The Regimental Banner is not to be used as a cape 71. Not allowed to prepare the unit for a zombie apocalypse 72. It is no longer easier to beg for forgiveness than to ask permission 73. Not allowed to throw magnets at the tech-priests 74. ‘Two cider limit’ does not mean first and last 75. [1st Addendum] It also does not mean they can be any size I desire 76. [2nd Addendum] Nor does it mean two kinds of cider 77. [3rd Addendum] Not allowed in the officer’s mess anymore 78. Servo-probes are not to be used to fly banners 79. Yes, space mareines are just as tough even ‘without three hundred pounds of fancy, pancy body armour’ 80. Not allowed to make fun of a Appleloosian’s accent 81. Not allowed to refer to Great Crusade history as ‘that time we got into an argument over who’s god was cooler’’ 82. My chain of command does not include ‘a gaggle of mutant donkeys’ 83. Not allowed to post pictures of my commanding officers on Inquisitional wanted posters 84. I am not undercover for anything 85. Made-up words are not allowed to be used in any official paperwork 86. I am not allowed to correct an Appleloosian officer about anything 87. There are no tiny, bearded ponies following me around. They do not exist. 88. Not allowed to use funeral march songs for parades 89. Not allowed to impersonate a deity in front of primitive world inhabitants 90. Not allowed to mark the CO’s tent as a paratrooper drop zone 91. ‘Free muffins for everyone’ is not an acceptable battle plan 92. Not allowed to invent new, insulting commendations and award them to people I dislike 93. When it comes time to ‘do or cry’ I am not to flip a coin in order to speed up the process 94. Low-gravity planets do not entitle me to an extra serving at the mess hall 95. The Equestrian Guardpony’s Uplifting Primer is not to be described as ‘absorbent and durable’ 96. I am not entitled to ‘supportive undergarments’ on high gravity planets 97. I am not to refer to the Captain as ‘mommy’ 98. Not allowed to attach bumper sticks to anybody wearing power barding 99. ‘My gun’s bigger’ is not a valid reason to contradict another officer. 100. A proper prayer to the Empress should not begin with ‘thanks for kicking Luna’s hindquarter’ 101. Not allowed to send sexually-explicit messages via astrocorns to anybody in my chain of command or any other officer. 102. She is not to be referred to as ‘Commissar Sugarcube’ 103. After-action reports are not to be written in Iambic pentameter 104. The Power of Celestia does not compel anyone 105. Not allowed to make it rain on any pony’s parade 106. The Lord-General is not old enough to have fought in the Great Crusade and I should stop implying that he is 107. Not allowed to request a bayonet charge from the battletanks 108. The battletanks are not to be used to ‘squish things’ 109. Not allowed to quote non-existent scripture passages to impress the Adeptus Fraternis 110. I am not the Patron Saint of Muffins 111. Not allowed to play muffin-related holo-vids in the mess hall, even if they are extremely patriotic and morale-boosting 112. Lazegun power cells are not meant to be used to power portable holo-vid projectors 113. Not allowed to sell paperwork signed by Commissar Applejack for personal profit 114. Not allowed to barter souls while on duty 115. I do not need a new host body 116. Military-grade glue is not a substitute for styling gel 117. Not allowed the pie a planetary governor, if effigy or otherwise 118. There are no warp rifts under my bed, in my closet, or at the bottom of my footlocker 119. Zero-G training is not a time to show off my new gymnastics routine 120. Command decisions are not a democratic process and do not require a majority vote 121. Not allowed to introduce legislature during officers meetings 122. Not allowed to claim heretical regiments get better health coverage, even if it’s true 123. Not allowed to sell used flak vests to locals 124. Not allowed to barter my equipment to locals 125. Not allowed to refer to standard issued equipment as ‘t-shirts and flashlights’ 126. ‘Stand and cry like Guardponies’ is supposed to be inspiring 127. I am not authorized to call in the Inquisition 128. I am not allowed to launch my own Inquisition 129. Not allowed to join a cult while on duty 130. Not allowed to form a cult while on duty 131. Not allowed to pretend to be a different pony in order to get out of a patrol 132. I am not my own worst enemy 133. Not allowed to roll my eyes at officers 134. Not allowed to celebrate the end of the Luna Heresy through recreation by taking over the officer’s mess 135. Leaving hollowed-out computer monitors impaled on pikes outside the tech-poiny’s shrine is ill-advised 136. Not allowed to ask a tech-ponies to bless my cooking oil 137. ‘Suffer so the Astartes can take all the credit’ is a bad slogan for recruitment posters 138. ‘Equestrian Guard - come for the hazard pay, stay because desertion is heresy’ is also a bad slogan for recruitment posters 139. As is ‘Join the Equestrian Guard. You’ll probably be forgotten a century from now anyways.’ 140. Not allowed to design recruitment posters 141. Not allowed to attend mission briefings in sleepwear 142. ‘This is the Muffin Mare, can I take your order?’ is not the proper method when responding to a vox communication 143. Muffins are not a valid form of treatment for any medical conditions 144. Not allowed to nickname my unit, ‘the Crybaby Squad.’ 145. Not allowed to refer to the latrine as the ‘Bronzed Throne’ 146. Not allowed to play an audio track in the background and claim that I cannot hear it when a sanctioned mage inquires about the noise 147. Not allowed to form a barbershop quartet 148. Not allowed to imply that the Adeptus Fraternis is full of colt cuddlers 149. Not allowed to break an Adeptus Fraternis’ vow of silence by slapping his hindquarter 150. ‘Flaky and golden brown’ is not a proper response when requested to give a sit-rep 151. Not allowed to perform impromptu song and dance routines while in uniform 152. Not allowed to perform impromptu song and dance routines even when not in uniform 153. Not allowed to throw a bag of tomatoes under a tank tread, scream, and then run and hide 154. Not allowed to taunt tech-ponies by claiming the answer isn’t 42 155. I do not have magic powers and must stop threatening to put ponies to sleep 156. Must not point out the idiocy of superior officers, even if it’s blindingly obvious 157. Must not wake up non-pegasus NCO by flying their cot fifty meters into the air 158. Not allowed to play knock-knock jokes on the Trojans 159. I am not allowed to perform marriages 160. Trojans cannot moon-walk 161. Freezas are not to be used to make snow-cones, skating rinks, or popcicles 162. Painted-on tattoos do not count as cutie marks 163. Not allowed to imply that a priestess would be a better motivator than the commissar 164. Nighttime curfew is not to be enforced with lazegun fire 165. Mission debriefings are not to be done through interpretive dance 166. Stop eating the ammunition