STORY DISCUSSION: MARE BEFORE MIDNIGHT (NSFW) · 5:04am May 10th
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ULTRA NSFW FIC (Read the triggers)
So... yeah. That was a monster towards the end, although it is mostly fun. Why did I post it? Ponies lit a creative spark in me, I guess. Sometimes that makes me write about nice stuff, and sometimes not so much. There was a reason for it all, but this fic became extremely intense.
If I get comments on the fic, I will post them here and reference the comment.
SPOILERS!
Praise!
Very well written - love your sense of perspective. ~ Deathtoponies
okay, this was kind of fun ~ Ponyess
Criticism
Characterisation
I get it's an AU and there's alcohol and stuff, but genuinely there's not a single moment here where he feels in character. You grabbed one of the most nice, kind and respectful characters of the franchise and made him a r*pist, cheater, sexist and tr*ansphobic piece of shit because...what? Shock value? There are other morally questionable characers to use, it doesn't make sense to use Hitch
I tend to load my characters very heavily :P literally the only reason this is Hitch, is the fact that he's an authority figure in Maretime bay and he has a relationship with Sunny (who is, like Twi, a revolutionary authority figure). Also he's a 'good male character' and could be the object of my OC's affections. When I write about the ponies, I tend to break their characters, because when it's me, I take the idea of them being 'my' little ponies very, very far, and I am extra-savage with Gen 5, which I think failed to create a believable world (even though it has many wonderful character beats)
BUT I have not head-canoned Hitch to be generally transphobic or a rapist. Actually, he would have generally been an ally to trans ponies, as he is just as protective as he is in the show, in my fic. He has cheated before though, in the world of this fic he's a 'horndog', but until that night, not with Sunny. It's lazy to make a char a horndog in a mature fic, but hey ho.
You rightly recognise that Hitch being drunk is a huge factor here - he was drinking to subconsciously let himself go with his instinct and forget about his obligations to Sunny in that moment. If he hadn't met Jazz or Blackie, though, he might well not have done that, and have just tantalised himself all night in the club and gone home. The evil decision, here, was to go clubbing when he knew he would be tempted if he did. I agree that the Hitch of the show would not have done that, and certainly wouldn't have done what followed. That is because he is a sweetheart 
I'm sorry if that feels like a mischaracterization.
If he had just rolled with it and not gone beserk, then he would have lost Sunny and been heart-broken anyway. Zipp would have found out about the cheating and would have forced him to confess and Sunny would not have forgiven him, because she would have seen him in a new light. He went beserk not due due to transphobia, but self-hatred - the sudden revelation that he had been lied to by Blackie made him see himself for what he was and made him realise that he had just lost the mare of his dreams 
That does nothing to diminish Blackie's lie here - to find out that the person you are intimate with has lied about a fundamental aspect of their identity arguably destroys Hitch's consent here. What Blackie did is similar to the conduct of defendants in certain criminal cases https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/McNally_v_R
Meta - Overwarning
~ Avoidingfever17 & Deathtoponies
I have softened the warnings in line with what Deathtoponies says here (quoted in full). Personally, I found this very hard to read and write, but happily that might not carry across so much to a reader. The story is written quite elliptically, and it is likely that a lot of the things that made me upset reading/writing this, are not there to the reader. There is some nastiness in there, but it is only in a fairly short chap 3.
For as well written as your story is, I think you're doing yourself a slight discredit with the sheer volume of warnings given, though. There are warnings plastered all over your story, its description, the authors notes, the chapter titles...
Put rather bluntly, I don't think this is anywhere near the most extreme thing I've read on this website - and certainly not worthy of such magnitude of warning. Sure, it's certainly sensative, but I think you could stick to just one of these warnings. I'd honestly remove the chapter title stuff and part in your desc. detailing what exact chapter has sensative content - keep the authors note in the chapter itself if you must, but here's the thing.
People click on this story and read its description, and see the tags and rating, they know what they're getting into. I personally feel like you're doing yourself a disservice - and causing some potential readers to shy away - by over-exagerrating to a degree what happens in this story.
I had a Cozy Glow fic that I published as M with lots of rating warnings - not because it was a clopfic snuff thing, but beceause it did imply a very graphic death. However, this caused a lot of people to not read it. Once I re-analyzed the story and changed it to Teen it got a lot more attention. Obviously this story could never be a Teen story, but my point stands. There can be such a thing as too much warning.
I dont want to come off like I'm ripping on you. I took the time to write out these thoughts because I think this story is good, and I want it to succeed and reach the widest audience possible, so I wanted to share my experience with over-warning!
Thank you!
Corrections list (THANK YOU SO MUCH!)
I know a lot of people don't like these, but I basically take them as an expression of love I dunno, something about the close reading and engagement that an accurate correction implies really touches me. So, thanks!
Spelling
Chrome Masquerade
Died ✘ vs dyed ✔
Whoa ✔ vs woah ✘
Go check out this eagle-eyed pony - they have a huge range of fics! HERE
General
Will there be a sequel?
~ Ponyess
No direct sequel is planned.
I knew Blackie would have to pass on from the initial concept for this fic - the fic draws on my own feelings and, for me, there can be no realisation of the fantasy of being loved as a woman in a simple sense. I have read tf/tg fiction for much longer than I have read pony fiction, and the moment the char's achieve their fantasy, I tended to lose interest, for that reason.
You have given me an idea, though, for a possible indirect sequel, which just explores, in a slice of life way, a happy relationship. It'd be a canon relationship like Sunny and Hitch, though, not Blackie. Sunny would, of course, then become a real figure, not the paragon she is here :P nopony wants to read about lil' miss perfect's love life
End
Here is the song to go with the fic. It will always be called "Blackberry's Song" to me
It's a beautiful town
With the rain coming down
Blackberry, rosemary
Jimmy Crack Corn
You've got the run of the place
Now that you're running around
And may kindness
Kindness, kindness abound
